Reflections on Kindness at Year End

"I shall pass this way but once; any good that I can do or any kindness I can show to any human being; let me do it now.  Let me not defer nor neglect it, for I shall not pass this way again."
~ Etienne de Grellet

As the year draws to a close -- much faster than any of us can believe, I am grateful for the many kindnesses that have come my way:  the generous and thoughtful kindnesses of friends and family, and the random kindnesses from strangers.  All of it has enriched my life tremendously.

I wish you a new year filled with kindness as well as health and peace, joy and love.

The Kindness of a Cup of Tea

"Come, let us have some tea and continue to talk about happy things."
~ Chaim Potok

I have a lovely friend whose manners and graciousness are not only kind, but also harken back to another era -- a kinder, gentler, slower time.  The other day, my children went to her home for a play date.  We chatted when I dropped them off and when I went to pick them up, she invited me to join her for a cup of tea.  I can't remember the last time I sat for tea or coffee at someone's house.  Life sometimes gets too crazy busy.  But the holidays is a perfect time to slow it down, to let kindness lead the way to rambling conversations over tea with a friend at her kitchen table.

The Kindness of the Thoughtful Host

"What is there more kindly than the feeling between host and guest?"
~ Aeschylus

During the holidays, we were invited to dinner at the home of some dear friends who are always incredibly thoughtful.  I was especially appreciative that one of the hosts, a fantastic cook and baker, remembered that I cannot eat a certain combination of foods.  He made some delicious hors d'oeuvres and made sure to leave off one of the ingredients, so that I could eat the savory dish.  I was thinking about how kind he was when I remembered the beautiful cake that he made and decorated for one of my daughters' birthdays a couple of years ago.  Being at these friends' house always feels like being home.

Ever-Present Kindness

"Do something wonderful, people may imitate it."
~ Albert Schweitzer

I have a very special friend who is one of the most thoughtful and kind people I know.  Last Christmas, we went to her house on Christmas Day and our two families exchanged gifts.  This year, they went out of town for Christmas, so I figured we would exchange gifts when they returned.  But my friend, ever several steps ahead, gave me a beautiful plant and a gift bag full of Christmas treats before she left.  When we opened the bag on Christmas morning, we found books and favorite holiday goodies.  During her vacation, my friend has texted me most days.  She asks me what I am doing, says that she hopes that I am relaxing and sends me photos.  Although she is thousands of miles away, my friend's kindness is ever-present.

The Kindness of a Young Man

"Kind words do not cost much.  Yet they accomplish much."
~ Blaise Pascal

Several weeks ago, a group of us went to what used to be our high school hangout (back then, ID -- fake or otherwise -- required).  But now it seemed to have become somewhat family friendly and we had a great time dancing the night away with our children.  So I decided that it would be a nice thing to do one evening during the holidays.  However, I did not take into account that because it was the holidays, there would be many college students at home and so the place I imagined would be great for dancing with the children turned out to be frat party Animal House-like.  After eating, we hurried to get the bill and leave.  I was disappointed and felt badly that the evening had not gone according to plan, especially as I had invited a family that had not been with us the last time.  As we parted with our friends, I apologized to them and to their children.  Their son, a very polite young man in 9th Grade, said, "When we go somewhere to eat, I focus on the food and the food was amazing."  With his gracious kindness, this young man made me feel much better about the evening.

The Kindness of the Small Gesture

"Small gestures can have a big impact."
~ Julianna Margulies

Some days, when I think about the kindnesses that crossed my path, what stays with me are the small gestures:  Someone serving me something to eat at a family gathering, someone taking my plate after I finish so that I can continue a conversation, someone handing me a utensil...  Those very small gestures of kindness that cost very little, but that make things nicer.

Kindness on Christmas

"Christmas is the perfect time to celebrate the love of God and family and to create memories that last forever.  Jesus is God's perfect, indescribable gift.  The amazing thing is that not only are we able to receive this gift, but we are able to share it with others on Christmas and every other day of the year."
~ Joel Osteen

Sometimes kindness is as simple as an unspoken truce among siblings -- no fighting on Christmas Day.  Perhaps that is more miracle than mere kindness.  But whatever the reason, it works for me.  May the miracles of Christmas linger.

Quiet Kindnesses

"Christmas waves a magic wand over this world, and behold, everything is softer and more beautiful."
~ Norman Vincent Peale

Earlier today, I looked out my window at the colored Christmas lights hung outside my home and thought about how much I like them.  Those lights take me back to my grandparents' house, to the Christmases of my childhood where there was warmth and magic and surprise.  It occurred to me that these lights are one of many quiet kindnesses from my husband.  Things just happen sometimes; magic just appears.  He does many kind things in his quiet way.  I had wanted outdoor lights, but didn't mention it and then all of a sudden, there they were.

A while back, a chain that my daughter wears every day broke.  I meant to get it fixed, but I had not gotten around to it.  One day, I noticed that she had it on again.  I asked her how it got fixed and she said that my husband had taken it to be repaired.  I had never asked him to do it and yet somehow, it got done.

Christmas is a time for kindness and for magic and for miracles...

Merry Christmas to all and to all a Good Night!

Birthday Kindness at Christmastime

"Christmas, my child, is love in action.  Every time we love, every time we give, it's Christmas."
~ Dale Evans

One of my children has a December birthday and I was touched by how many friends, including those from out of town, called or texted to wish her a Happy Birthday.  Two friends from out-of-town shipped gifts to arrive in time for her birthday.  Given how crazy this time of year is, it amazes me that people can be so thoughtful and generous to take the time to do all the things that sending a gift through the mail involves. 

The Kindness of a Grandfather

"Just because someone's dead doesn't mean it's over.  My grandfather died more than 25 years ago, but I still think of him a lot and smell his smell."
~ Julian Clary

My grandfather would have been 94 today, but he died more than 30 years ago.  Still, the day to me is always special, always reminds me of him.  December 22nd was an early Christmas of sorts.  While I was in college, it was always the day by which I had to be home -- had to because I wanted to.  My grandfather was a special person, the father figure in our daily lives.  A family physician, he still made house calls and we accompanied him to the hospital on Sundays when he went to make rounds.  He was smart, well-read and funny.  Once on his birthday -- and to my mother's horror, he let us stick our fingers in his cake.  And he was always there for us, the first to arrive for Visiting Sunday at sleep-away camp, the one who took us to the dentist and who picked us up when we ran out of gas, and the one to send us whatever we needed while we were in college.  So many kindnesses, many specific ones and others simply part of the fabric of who I am. 

"Make Haste to Be Kind"

"Life is short and we have never too much time for gladdening the hearts of those who are travelling the dark journey with us.  Oh be swift to love, make haste to be kind."
~ Henri-Frédéric Amiel

I had been intrigued by a dismissal prayer that I heard at our local Episcopal Church.  Not long ago, I asked the deacon about the blessing that he always shares at the end of the service.  Today, I received a beautiful Christmas card from him with the quote attached to a one-page biography of its author, Henri-Frédéric Amiel, a 19th century Swiss philosopher, poet and critic.  I find the idea of making haste to be kind one that I want to remember, especially during this Christmas season.

The Kindness of Paying Attention

"Tell me to what you pay attention and I will tell you who you are.
~ José Ortega y Gasset

I have a friend who is one of the kindest people I know.  She is a very supportive friend and goes out of her way to help others.  So it should not have surprised me that when I peeked into the bag that she gave me full of Christmas treats, I immediately saw two items that I absolutely love.  There are some people who have the capacity to truly hear what others are saying.  And that is a gift.

The Kindness of Acceptance

"Acceptance looks like a passive state, but in reality, it brings something entirely new into this world. That peace, a subtle energy vibration, is consciousness."
~ Eckhart Tolle

My teenage daughter has a friend who seems wise beyond her years.  An only child, she is very comfortable around adults.  She is well read and mature, and a great conversationalist.  Recently, I saw her having a conversation with my much younger son. I asked her later what they had been talking about and she said Greek mythology.  Another mom friend observed that this young woman accepts people where they are at.  So whether she is talking to a same-age friend, to an adult or to someone much younger, this girl extends the kindness of acceptance.  And that is an incredible gift.

The Kindness of Wisdom

"For beautiful eyes, look for the good in others; for beautiful lips, speak only words of kindness; and for poise, walk with the knowledge that you are never alone."
~ Audrey Hepburn

A woman I know was worried about a school-related situation with one of her children, nothing serious, but she was very troubled by it.  She called a good friend, whose wisdom she greatly values.  The friend, who was at work and no doubt busy with year-end responsibilities, listened patiently and with compassion.  She also offered a different perspective.  At the end of the conversation, the friend said, "I think things are finer than you think."  Familiar with her friend's wise counsel, the woman I know took those words to heart and felt great comfort.  Less than two hours later, the situation had resolved itself.  And the woman I know remembered her friend's words as well as her wisdom and kindness.

Christmas Kindness in the Air

"Christmas is not a time nor a season, but a state of mind.  To cherish peace and goodwill, to be plenteous in mercy, is to have the real spirit of Christmas."
~ Calvin Coolidge

Despite the craziness and a general feeling that we don't have enough time to do everything we want to do, buy every present we would like to buy, and be everywhere we would like be, there is something about Christmas that makes it special.  In part, I think we find Christmas a reason to be our better selves, the kinder, gentler version.

My son has enthusiastically gotten into the Christmas spirit.  I am not sure whether it is visions of Christmas morning or the school recital to which he is looking forward or maybe just the general magic of it all that has him especially happy.  This morning, I heard him say, "Good morning" to one of our grumpier neighbors.  She seemed startled, but mumbled a response.  My son smiled and continued on his merry way.  I think he may just have brightened her day a little.

The Kindness of a Christmas Surprise

"I don't think Christmas is necessarily about things.  It's about being good to one another, it's about the Christian ethic, it's about kindness."
~ Carrie Fisher

A woman I know was missing her Christmas tree.  She had managed to send out her Christmas cards, but the hustle bustle of activity had gotten in the way of her organizing the annual tree buying expedition and of getting the ornaments and other decorations out of storage.  And then one night, she got home with her children to find that her husband had arrived before them and set up the tree and bought boxes of new ornaments to decorate it.  It reminded her of a Christmas almost 20 years earlier when her then-boyfriend showed up at her apartment with her first tree and boxes of ornaments.  Same guy.

The Incredible Kindness of Saving the Day -- Again

"Friendship is a sheltering tree."
~ Samuel Taylor Coleridge

So what do you do when a water main breaks and streets are closed off and you can't get to your children?  Thank goodness for the terrific mom friend who comes to the rescue -- yet again -- and picks up your children and takes them to her house, has them bathe, feeds them and meets you later just in time for a quick change in the car so that they can play in a concert.  I'm not sure how you thank someone for the kindness that saves your day -- again.

The Kindness of Late-Night Driving

"Your friend is your needs answered."
~ Khalil Gibran

Having children, especially as they grow older -- but not old enough to drive, requires driving.  A lot.  Some of us don't mind early morning school runs while others have trouble with mornings.  And some of us early birds can't do the late nights.

On a recent Friday night, four moms and their four daughters piled into one mom's car for the drive to a party that was farther than at least a couple of the moms were comfortable driving.  The crew chauffeur, a teacher who wakes up early, good naturedly drove around as they tried to find the party house.  On the way back from the party, one of the passenger moms fell asleep.

It takes a village to raise our children.  And thank goodness that our village includes kind moms who don't mind late-night driving.

The Kindness of Surprise Childcare

"The best thing you can ever have is peace of mind, it is a basking fire to keep a cold heart in warmth, and a fortified confidence to be proud of.
- Michael Bassey Johnson

I try not to impose on my friends for childcare, especially because I travel and often need to ask.  On a recent weekend, I came up with less than ideal arrangements, so that my husband and I could attend a funeral.  And then my lovely friend sent me a text to see if any of my children were up for a photography class adventure with her daughter.  All of them jumped at the chance and off they went with my friend for a photography class and a pizza lunch.  My husband and I were able to attend the funeral with the peace of mind that comes from knowing your children are being well taken care of -- thanks to my friend's kindness.

The Kindness of Sharing Memories

"Memories of our lives, of our works and our deeds will continue in others."
~ Rosa Parks

I went to the wake for a dear friend of mine's father tonight.  It was a tough thing to do on a very busy evening that required incredible juggling on both my husband's and my parts.  But my friend is more family than friend and I wanted to be there.  It turns out that I was the one who received a gift.

At the wake, I ran into an older gentleman whom I know.  I knew that he had known my late father when they were children and that they had made their First Communion together, but I did not know much else.  When I mentioned the First Communion, the gentleman shared that not only had they made their First Communion together, but also that he had been in the same class with my father for seven years, beginning in kindergarten.  He then went on to tell me how smart my father was and how it was impossible to topple him from first place in the class.  "Every year, it was the same thing," the gentleman recalled.  He also told me about my great-grandparents' house, which he had occasion to visit and which I have never seen.  I thoroughly enjoyed my conversation with this gentleman and appreciate his kindness in sharing memories of my late father.  For me, it was an invaluable gift.

 

The Kindness of an Invitation

"When autumn darkness falls, what we will remember are the small acts of kindness: a cake, a hug, an invitation to talk, and every single rose."
~ Jens Stoltenberg

I have a friend who has her priorities in order.  She schedules things that are important, and says no to things that are not a priority.  Recently, she invited a group of friends to her house for a coffee.  "Otherwise, I won't see some of these women before Christmas," she explained.  There is kindness in a special invitation that shows you care.

The Kindness of Crushed Strawberries

"Friendship... is not something you learn in school.  But if you haven't learned the meaning of friendship, you really haven't learned anything."
~ Muhammad Ali

One of my daughters and several of her school friends designed their own Secret Santa gift exchange this year.  The girls all sit together at lunch and they decided that each day or every other day, they would bring small treats for each other and then something a little bigger at the end.  I have not been asked to buy anything, so I was curious about what passed for treats.  Today, my daughter shared that her Secret Santa had brought her pink lemonade and pink marshmallows.  Pink lemonade?  "Yes, she knows I like pink," my daughter explained, "so she crushed strawberries into lemonade for me."  My daughter could not stop talking about the homemade lemonade with the crushed strawberries as I marveled at the impact of a little thoughtful kindness.

The Kindness of Sharing Laughter

"All you need in the world is love and laughter.  That's all anybody needs.  To have love in one hand and laughter in the other."
~ August Wilson

Laughter is truly the best medicine.  I was thinking about that after I hung up with one of my dearest friends.  I had been discussing a work issue with him and he shared a hilarious story, which had me howling.  Later, I watched a completely meaningless and intelligible-only-to-them exchange between my daughter and her best friend.  They are teenagers, but thankfully not the perennially sulky kind, and they enjoy being silly.  Whenever I see them laugh at their own goofiness, I invariably end up laughing, too. 

During the best times, laughter is just plain fun.  And during life's more difficult moments, laughter is at the very least a respite from our troubles.  But it also gives us hope that we will be happy -- and even silly -- again.

***



P.S.  In the spirit of silly, Happy Birthday to Donny Osmond!  He may be 57, but in the hearts of many, he will always be our teenybopper heartthrob.

Kindness Between Two Sisters

"For there is no friend like a sister in calm or stormy weather; To cheer one on the tedious way, to fetch one if one goes astray, to lift one if one totters down, to strengthen whilst one stands."
~ Christina Rosetti

I recently attended a Mass at my children's school.  As I was waiting for the children to exit the church so that I could say hello to my daughters, I ran into one of my daughter's classmates who was waiting to say hello to her younger sister.  The older sister, a teenager, had to leave with her class before the younger one came out from the church, but I promised I would tell the younger sister that she had wanted to say hello.  As I left the church, I thought about the big feelings that were reflected in that older sister's small kindness.

The Kindness of Not Wanting to Impose

"Do not impose on others what you yourself do not desire."
~ Confucius

During a recent weekend, I was attending an orchestra performance in which my children were participating.  I was there early as I had taken them for rehearsal.  Arriving early also means being able to get a good seat.  I texted a friend of mine whose child was also in the performance to ask if she wanted me to save seats for her, which I had already gone ahead and done.  She called me and said that she would love it if I could save seats for her, but not if it was going to bother others.  I smiled when we hung up as I thought about how this friend of mine, who is an incredibly kind and generous person, tries to never impose.

Kindness Among Teen Girls

"Generosity is not always tax deductible."
~ Ken Solts

At a friend's birthday party, I ended up speaking with two teenage girls.  To my surprise, one of the girls said to the other, "Everyone likes you because you are so nice."  The girl was very sincere in complimenting her friend.  And during an age where there seems to be girl drama everywhere, it was refreshing to see kindness.

The Kindness of Creating Adventure

"Adventure is worthwhile in itself."
~ Amelia Earhart

On a recent evening, I found myself out on a "school night," with one of my children in tow, on a tour of street art in a part of town I don't usually frequent.  We ended up eating dinner late, getting home even later and not quite happy when the alarm clock when off the next morning at its usual time.  But it was fun!

A few nights later, I found myself dancing -- with all of my children -- at a place that I used to frequent in high school.  Back in the day, it required your being 18 or having a fake ID to get in.  But it seems to have evolved into a somewhat family friendly outdoor restaurant with a live band and dj.  We danced until we could not dance any more.

As the group of us left the restaurant, we thanked our hostess and dear friend, who is the queen of creating unusual opportunities for fun and getting us out of our comfort zones in the process.  Her thoughtfulness and kindness take us places we normally wouldn't go.  And in doing so, she helps us to create new adventures.

The Kindness of "Take Your Time"

"Nobody sees a flower really; it is so small.  We haven't time, and to see takes time - like to have a friend takes time."
~ Georgia O'Keefe

At a recent school book fair, I watched a mother struggle to work the cash register.  She was reading a card with instructions as she tried to ring up another mother's purchase.  The cashier mother was getting flustered, but the other mother said, "Take your time -- I'm not in a rush."  She immediately put the cashier mother at ease, which helped her figure out how to finish ringing up the sale.  The two mothers ended up having a friendly chat.

The Kindness of Talking It Through

"Things are never quite as scary when you've got a best friend."
~ Bill Watterson

Life throws challenges our way -- some we handle better than others.  Sometimes we don't even know where to begin, how to dig in or even what needs to be done.  Then we are blessed with the trusted friend who helps us to talk things through and create a road map.  And that kindness makes everything much less scary.

The Kindness of Moms Helping Moms

"As you grow older, you will discover that you have two helping hands, one for helping yourself, the other for helping others,
~ Audrey Hepburn

I have a mom friend who is a school teacher.  She has limited free time given her work and family responsibilities.  The other day, she had the rare day off.  She texted me to say that she was going to get a birthday gift for the daughter of a mutual friend and to ask if I wanted her to get my gift as well.  Miraculously, I had actually planned ahead and bought a present.  But I truly appreciated her thinking of me on one of the few days that she had to get things done.

A Legacy of Kindness

"A teacher affects eternity; he can never tell where his influence stops."
~ Henry Adams

My third-grade son takes a Creative Writing class after school.  Today he came home and asked if I wanted to read an essay that he had written and then read aloud to the class.  He said he was supposed to write about a friend. 

When I began reading my son's essay, my eyes filled with tears.  He had written about a special friend who "isn't on earth anymore."  He wrote:  "That person was fun and kind.  We talked a lot.  She was always happy and never sad.  She was an adult."  My son wrote about a teacher at his former school, a woman who became a family friend and who died two years ago.  I was amazed that he remembered so many things about her -- that she gave him popcorn, that her classroom was a special place, that she and I used to talk... and talk and talk.  He also wrote, "Whenever I saw her, she was smiling at me and at everyone else."

Anyone who knew this very special person will always remember her smile.  She shared it generously and it lit up the room the moment she walked in.  The memory of it also stayed with you.  I miss her very much and am grateful not only for her friendship, but also for all she taught me.  But I was stunned that my son could remember so much and that she had impacted him so profoundly.  Kindness has a way of lasting -- it can even outlive us.

When my son saw my teary eyes, he said, "Mama, don't cry."  And then he added, "But I cried in my mind a little."