The Kindness of Reaching Across Silence

"In human intercourse the tragedy begins, not when there is misunderstanding about words, but when silence in not understood."
― Henry David Thoreau

A woman I know wanted to move forward with a couple of projects in her life, but had realized that she was stuck.  One day, she had what she thought was the very bright idea of reaching out via e-mail to a former study partner to talk about moving forward.  Now living across the Atlantic, the study partner suggested that they use Skype to communicate.  Not sure how to make that work, the woman I know did not respond and once again felt stuck.  Before she could decide what to tell her former study partner, her study partner wrote her again to wish her a "happy spring" and to say that she was sorry that the use of Skype might have gotten in the way of their reconnecting.  The study partner went on to suggest a phone call, which delighted the woman I know. 

There is kindness in understanding a silence and then reaching across it to connect with someone who needs you.

The Kindness of Shared Prayers

"May the angels lead you into paradise..."
― In Paradisum

Earlier today, I received an e-mail from a woman who is part of a retreat group in which I participate.  She wrote to tell the members of our group that a woman who had served in retreats with us was losing her battle with cancer, and asked for our prayers.  Various members of the group responded that they were praying.  Another friend called me to share her surprise and sadness at the news.  I have no doubt that all of us who received that e-mail today said prayers.  I prayed for the courageous woman who served with us on retreat last May and gave thanks for having known her.  There was comfort and kindness in the shared prayers of the group.

The Kindness of Good Company

"My idea of good company is the company of clever, well-informed people who have a great deal of conversation; that is what I call good company."
― Jane Austen

A gentleman I know spent most of a Saturday speaking at a workshop, a work-related, community service thing.  After talking for most of eight hours, he was pretty tired. Nonetheless, that evening, the gentleman found himself at a gala, sitting next to a very friendly octogenarian who seemed in need of company.  The gentleman spent the next couple of hours talking with her, sharing stories and making her laugh.

Kindness Among Little Boys

"Friendship is always a sweet responsibility, never an opportunity."
―Khalil Gibran

A little boy we know had a playground accident a couple of weeks ago.  He knocked out his front teeth and had to have surgery.  Because of this, he is not supposed to talk for six weeks and so he walks around with a small pad and pencil with which to communicate.  At a school Mass, the little boy left his pad behind in a pew.  Another boy found it and asked his mother to get it to the little boy who needed it. 

Kindness at the Mall

"The marvels of daily life are exciting; no movie director can arrange the unexpected that you find in the street."
― Robert Doisneau

I was recently at a large chain department store purchasing several pieces of clothing for my children.  We could not find the correct size in one of the dresses we were buying, so the store clerk said that she could place the order on-line for me.  As she input the information, she told me that I should buy the other dress (the one that we had in the store) on-line, too. Why? I asked her.  She told me that shipping would be free if the total price was more than a certain amount.  I thanked her and told her to go ahead and place the order for both dresses.  When she gave me the total, it was less than I anticipated.  She also had put in a 20 percent off coupon. 

Surprise Kindness

"Society is always taken by surprise at any new example of common sense."
― Ralph Waldo Emerson

Earlier tonight, I was on my way to a birthday dinner for a very special friend when I realized that I would not make it on time.  Although I had allotted twice the usual travel time, a sporting event in my town paralyzed traffic and it still was not enough.  After calling my friend to let him know that I would be late, I called the restaurant and explained the situation to the hostess.  She told me that he had arrived and I asked her to offer him something to drink and that I would be there as soon as I could.  A few minutes later, the hostess called me back (from the caller ID).  She said that she had mistakenly told me that my friend had arrived, but that it turns out he had not.  She wanted me to know, so that I would not feel badly about being late.  Very surprised, I thanked her for her kindness.

The Kindness of Happy People

"Let us be grateful to people who make us happy; they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom."
― Marcel Proust

I have wondered why we love seeing and spending time with certain people -- people who make us happy, who lift our spirits.  Yesterday, I read about a theory that makes sense.  Former Harvard researcher and author Shawn Achor says that because we mirror one another, if you smile and come across as positive, the other person will probably follow suit.  So maybe that's what it is, at least in part.  Happy people make us happy just by being who they are.

Small Kindnesses While Traveling

"It is better to travel well than to arrive."
― Buddha

Air travel has become much less pleasant than it used to be.  Gone are the days when my grandmother flew smartly dressed, hatbox in hand, and posed coming out of the plane, looking very glamorous.  These days, it seems that what we find are lots of lines and endless grumpiness.

So...  I was delighted on a recent business trip to encounter kind people sharing small kindnesses that brightened my day:

§  The airline representative who directed me to the shorter security checkpoint.

§  The security person who gave me the toiletry bag that I was leaving behind complete with my contact lenses, solution, etc.

§  The gentleman on the plane who asked me if I needed help putting my suitcase in the overhead compartment.  Even though I said I could manage, he stood up from his seat and helped me.

§  The security person who told me that I had a "prohibited" item in my bag -- a small snow globe.  He carefully examined it and checked it for explosive residue, and then to my delight, let me keep it so that I could bring it home to my son.

How wonderful to find kindness in the sometimes maddening experience of air travel!

Kindness and Cascades of Generosity

"To be inspired is great, but to inspire is an honor."
― Stacey T. Hunt

In a recent New York Times article, "The Science of 'Paying it Forward,'" two Cornell University researchers shared their latest findings on kindness chains.  They explored the possibility that generosity can become "socially contagious" and cited prior experiments about the ripple effect of kindness.  Their conclusions:  Observing kindness can play a significant role in setting in motion a "cascade of generosity," but personally benefitting from a kind act (such as having the person ahead of you in line pay for your coffee) is what sustains the cascade.

What can each of us do to inspire kindness in others today?

The Kindness of Chocolate Cake

"Let's face it, a nice creamy chocolate cake does a lot for a lot of people; it does for me."
― Audrey Hepburn

Kindness arrived today in the form of a chocolate cake -- my favorite cake, to be precise.  And the timing could not have been more perfect.

It has been a full week.  Not a bad week, but a busy, emotional one.  So...  I was thrilled to find the very pleasant surprise of my favorite cake waiting for me from one of my favorite people.  This cake, which is a decadent concoction of chocolate, is always a treat and only available at a specialty bakery in town.  My very thoughtful friend introduced this cake to me a few years ago on her birthday and it has become my birthday cake of choice.  Receiving such a thoughtful gift feels as though I am receiving a big hug or a bucketful of kindness.  The fact that my lovely friend, a busy professional and mother, went to the trouble of getting one of my favorite things means so much.  But my friend is pretty terrific and I recognize that having a terrific friend is a blessing, too. 

The Kindness of Communication and Our Villagers

"I'm every woman.  It takes a village to make me who I am."
― Katy Perry

The other day, a mom friend of mine helped me out (again) by picking up one of my children.  Afterward, she took my daughter to a restaurant to pick up some take-out.  In the process, she ended up spending time and talking with my daughter.  My friend shared how much she enjoyed the conversation.  Today, we spent the day with one of my children's godmothers.  Over lunch, the godmother talked to them about the importance of family and the things in life that really matter.

My children are very fortunate to have these additional adults in their lives -- adults who love them and listen to them, adults who can guide them and be there for them.  I greatly value these adults who take the time to develop communication with my children.  I know that these relationships benefit my children not only now, but also as they get older.  For my part, I count these very important villagers among my greatest blessings.

A Legacy of Love and Kindness

"And in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make."
― Paul McCartney, The End (Abbey Road)

Last summer, I wrote about the funeral of a friend of mine's grandfather and how my friend honored her grandfather at the cemetery.  Sadly and very unexpectedly, my friend's mother died this week.  And today, on what would have been the mother's 80th birthday, we were at her funeral Mass and at the cemetery.

My friend's mother was an extraordinarily kind and compassionate woman, as I wrote in Tuesday's post.  And so perhaps the greatest tribute to her was the kindness that abounded in the wake of her unexpected passing.

There was the childhood friend who planned the very beautiful Mass -- with a smile, generosity and tireless energy, and while caring for her own family.  There were the many family members and friends who stayed for hours at the wake.  There was the laughter and joy in remembering my friend's mother's life.  There was a sharing of grief and affection among the mourners that I am not sure I have ever seen -- a shared understanding of what has been lost.

And then, just as she had done when her grandfather died, my friend led her family and friends in adorning the graves around her mother's with the flowers that had been sent in her mother's honor.  Those at the cemetery, young and not-so-young, immediately followed her lead and the result was flowers on all the graves we could see.  Some of us came across the gravestones of people we knew and there was special meaning in adorning those.  Some of us said silent prayers for those on whose gravestones we placed flowers.  My friend said that she felt a peace that surprised her.

As we walked around the cemetery spreading the flowers, the line from the Beatles song played in my head.  And in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make.

The Kindness of the Buddy System

"My best friend is the man who in wishing me well wishes it for my sake."
― Aristotle

Life twists and turns without warning.  And there are difficult moments that seem too hard to bear alone.  Enter our buddies.  Whether it is waiting for us so that we can walk into a funeral home together or staying by our side when we need them, our buddies help us to make it through.  There is great kindness in looking out for each other.

The Kindness of a Great Woman

"Love is the beauty of the soul."
―Saint Augustine

The world lost a great woman today.  She was the mother of one of my closest friends.  A mother of two, she was dedicated to her family -- her children, her husband, her extended family and those she included as part of her family.  She was smart and funny and generous and kind.  My family and I always felt welcomed at her home, and we looked forward to the family gatherings she hosted.  It was the kind of place where you were eager to arrive and not so eager to leave.  She shared terrific advice, especially about child rearing.  And her stories always made you laugh.  She loved my children -- she listened to them and talked to them and found the most thoughtful gifts for them.  Her kindness was such that it enveloped you.  And she made you feel loved.  I don't know that there can be a greater kindness than that.  And that kindness lives on.

Kindness... in Dreams

"Sometimes dreams are wiser than waking."
― Black Elk

A woman I know recently received a text from a friend about a dream.  Her friend had lost a beloved cousin a few years back.  But in a dream, her friend saw the cousin.  The woman I know played a small part in the dream.  Her friend texted:  "Thank you for being kind even in my dreams."  I imagine that most of us have had dreams when we become angry at someone (spouses, perhaps) and then we have trouble shaking those feelings.  How wonderful to enjoy kindness -- and its lingering effects -- in our dreams.

Kindness and the Generous

"Being generous of spirit is a wonderful way to live."
― Pete Seeger

The other day I unexpectedly found myself taking photos of an event as a volunteer.  I was a little surprised when two of the people I was photographing insisted on giving me tips on how to take a better photo.  And then there was another gentleman.  He may not be a professional photographer, but he has all the equipment and his photographs are amazing.  He had brought his own camera, much bigger and much better than mine, to the event and he asked me if I also would take a photograph with his camera.  Being a bit intimated by his equipment and having just had the experience with the other two, I suggested that he set up the shot, so that I could take the photo exactly the way he wanted.  He looked at me and very kindly said, "Oh I'm sure it will turn out just fine."  I imagine that he cannot possibly remember his kind and generous remark, but it was greatly appreciated by me.

Kindness Matters

"Kindness is more than deeds.  It is an attitude, an expression, a look, a touch.  It is anything that lifts another person."
― Plato

The other day, I saw a wooden sign in a store that read Kindness Matters.  No surprise, I bought it.  And the sign got me thinking...  Why does kindness matter?  We all have our own reasons, but here are just a few of mine:

§  It makes us happy.

§  It can touch our hearts in profound ways.

§  It connects us to others.

§  It can lift us up when we don't think anything can.

§  It stays with us.

§  It opens us up to possibilities.

§  It is a way to practice what we believe. 

Why does kindness matter to you?

The Kindness of Loving Yourself... to Sleep

"Love yourself first and everything else falls into line.  You really have to love yourself to get anything done in this world."
― Lucille Ball

The change to daylight savings time seems to have left many of us feeling a little extra tired this week.  Being kind to ourselves means recognizing this and making sure that we get enough sleep -- or at least more sleep.

The Kindness of Celebrating Life

"The most important thing is to enjoy your life -- to be happy -- it's all that matters."
― Audrey Hepburn

A very dear friend of mine had a medical test yesterday -- the kind that comes with a certain age.  She had dreaded it for quite a while.  Thankfully, she got through it and all is well.  Although I thought that she should rest for the remainder of the day, she texted me that she wanted to celebrate.  So we took our two broods for gelato -- her treat.  Her kindness enabled us to savor not just the ice cream, but also the simple pleasure of life on a gorgeous spring day. 

The Kindness of Not Making Yourself Small

"Today I choose life.  Every morning when I wake up I can choose joy, happiness, negativity, pain...  To feel the freedom that comes from being able to continue to make mistakes and choices - today I choose to feel life, not to deny my humanity but embrace it."
― Kevyn Aucoin

This week, on more than one occasion, I have found myself having conversations with people about how we make ourselves "small" or "less than."  It is so easy to let our minds wander down the path of all the reasons why we are not "enough" at any given moment.  For women especially, it seems that we can go from neutral to beating ourselves up over something in a nanosecond.  At any given moment, we can kick ourselves for not having been assertive enough or for being too assertive (aggressive even?), for not being attractive enough or thin enough, for not making better career choices, for not being the perfect parent...  Just as with My Big Fat Greek Wedding where the movie ads smartly slotted in other nationalities for Greek, we can slot in all kinds of things to get us to a place of feeling small.

But what if we try to retrain our minds and go down another path?  What if we let go of the "less than" replay and instead remind ourselves of all that we are and let ourselves dream about and plan for all we can be?  Surely there is kindness in that.

The Kindness of a Late-Night Chat

"It's the friends you can call up at 4 a.m. that matter."
― Marlene Dietrich

A woman I know is a little bit of a Nervous Nellie.  Recently, she was traveling and found herself in a large, three-bedroom apartment by herself.  Even though it was late, she texted one of her best friends to see if she was awake.  Yes, her friend texted back.  The woman asked her friend if she could talk and they proceeded to chat until early in the morning.  This woman's friend probably wanted to go to sleep, but she knew that talking to her friend would calm her down.

Kindness in Less Than A Minute

"Every photo you take communicates something about a moment in time -- a brief slice of time of where you were, who you were with, and what you were doing."
― Kevin Systrom (co-founder of Instagram)

I love photos.  Especially family photos.  However, as I am nearly always the person behind the camera, I am not in many of them.  Sometimes, I will take a photo of my husband with the children and then he will take one of me with them.  Not ideal, but better than nothing.  Yesterday on a special family outing, I had just taken one with my husband in it and I said to him, "Let me see if I can find someone to take one of all of us."  A woman walking behind us heard me and before I could ask anyone, she said, "Why don't I just do it?"  A small and simple kindness that took less than a minute, but without it, we would not have captured a treasured family moment.

The Kindness of First-Class Manners

Manners are a sensitive awareness of the feelings of others. If you have that awareness, you have good manners, no matter what fork you use.

Emily Post

Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/good_manners.html#fgQHw1JorBoXwbH0.99

Manners are a sensitive awareness of the feelings of others. If you have that awareness, you have good manners, no matter what fork you use.

Emily Post

Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/good_manners.html#fgQHw1JorBoXwbH0.99

"Manners are a sensitive awareness of the feelings of others.  If you have that awareness, you have good manners, no matter what fork you use."
― Emily Post

Recently, I was in a tram at an amusement park.  Several college-age young men had gotten on first and taken seats.  As the tram car filled up with passengers standing, one of the young men kept asking if anyone wanted his seat.  No one took him up on his offer and the tram began its ride.  The young man was joking with his friends and asking them whether they thought he was awesome.  An older gentleman who was observing them said, "I don't know you well enough to know if you are awesome... but you have first-class manners."

The Kindness of My Feel-Good Friend

I have a friend who has not hesitation about telling it like it is. In fact, I find her straight-forward manner refreshing, empowering and often hilarious.  This same friend has a way of looking at the kinder side of things, particularly when I am feeling badly about something.  The other day, we were trying to head off on a road trip and I shared that I was feeling very disorganized.  "Relax," she said.  "Do you want to hear disorganized?"  And she proceeded to share an example of disorganization that, of course, made me feel better.  What a gift -- this ability to make others feel better!

The Kindness of Being On Someone's Side

"A true friend unbosoms freely, advises justly, assists readily, adventures boldly, takes all patiently, defends courageously, and continues a friend unchangeably."
― William Penn

Good friends are always on your side.  That doesn't mean that they don't suggest that you consider another point of view or, in some cases, tell you that you are flat-out wrong.  But the kindness that good friends can demonstrate -- especially during times of conflict and other challenging moments -- is letting you know that they are there for you.  To support you, to hold you up, to embrace you when that is all that can be done.

The other day, I texted a friend to thank her for being so supportive and for being on my side during a difficult time.  "Always!" she texted back.  That doesn't mean that she always tells me that I am right -- she doesn't.  To me, that means that she is ALWAYS on my side, which is more about being AT my side.

Kindness in Remembering Kindness

"In the sweetness of friendship let there be laughter, and sharing of pleasures.  For in the dew of little things the heart finds its morning and is refreshed."
―Khalil Gibran

A woman I know was having a bad day -- the kind of day that includes tough conversations, tears, and emotional exhaustion.  Unexpectedly, she received a very sweet and thoughtful e-mail from an out-of-town friend recalling a kindness that the woman I know did nearly four years ago.  "It is a kindness that I will never forget!" the out-of-town woman wrote.  Little did the writer know that her appreciating something her friend did a few years ago was a much-needed kindness on a rough day.

Kindness and Lent

"Lent is a time to renew wherever we are in that process that I call divine therapy.  It's a time to look what our instinctual needs are, look at what the dynamics of our unconscious are."
― Thomas Keating

Today is Ash Wednesday and the beginning of the Lenten season.  At a Mass today, the priest shared a humorous story about a French priest who was walking through the streets of Paris on a cold night with a bag of pastries that he had just bought when a thief tried to rob him.  When the priest opened his coat and the robber saw the clerical collar, he said, "Oh, Father, I am sorry.  I would not have tried to rob you if I had known you were a priest."  The priest offered the thief a pain au chocolat, but the thief replied, "Oh, Father, I couldn't -- I gave chocolate up for Lent."  The priest's point today was that Lent is an opportunity to soften our hearts, to become kinder people -- not to give up things that don't really make us better people like the thief and his giving up chocolate.

What can each of us do to become a kinder person during Lent?

Kindness at the Bank Drive-Thru

"It's your outlook on life that counts.  If you take yourself lightly and don't take yourself too seriously, pretty soon you can find the humor in our everyday lives.  And sometimes it can be a lifesaver."
―Betty White

Sometimes kindness can be extraordinarily simple -- like telling the woman who is waiting in front of you at the bank drive-thru that you are thinking about going around the car taking forever with the drive-in teller to get to the drive-up ATM.  But this woman is waiting for the ATM, too.  The woman thanks you for your thoughtfulness and you get back in line behind her.  And then the two of you watch as a guy walks up to the ATM and uses it while the two of you wait.  Sometimes you need a sense of humor with your kindness.

The Kindness of the Mutual Pep Talk

"Many a friendship, long, loyal, and self-sacrificing, rested at first on no thicker a foundation than a kind word."
―Frederick William Faber

Earlier today, I was e-mailing with a friend who is doing some incredible stuff -- participating in a triathlon and then some.  She is an inspiration and has been working very hard to meet her goals.  But as we all do, she has her moments of doubt.  As we discussed our "moments" and e-mailed positivity back and forth today, she wrote, "Love the mutual pep talk."

Life is pretty terrific, but it has some challenges.  I think of it as scuba diving where you need a buddy.  The ocean depths are pretty neat, but not to be ventured solo.  And so it is with our life journey.  I am grateful for all my buddies and the pep talks we give each other along the way.

Forgetting Kindnesses Shared

"Blessed are those who give without remembering and take without forgetting."
― Elizabeth Bibesco

Yesterday, I spent two hours in the company of a wise and wonderful 80-year-old woman.  She is the owner of a violin shop and we had gone to purchase a couple of violins.  She has always impressed me as a kind-hearted and generous woman.  Not only does she come across that way in terms of how she conducts her business, but also she seems to have a special way of connecting with people.  I have heard her share snippets of her life when she thinks that the listener would benefit from hearing them.

While we were at the shop yesterday, a woman walked in with a beautiful flower arrangement for her.  "Thank you for your kindness," the woman told the shop owner.  "You were so kind..."

When the woman left, the violin shop owner chuckled and said, "I don't remember what I did."

That is the way it seems to be with some of the kindest people.  They are the way they are and can't imagine being any other way.  And often, they forget the kindnesses they do even as their kindnesses live on in the hearts of those whose lives they have touched.

But lest I get the wrong idea, the violin shop owner looked at me with a twinkle in her eye and said:  "You never want to be too good -- you miss the fun in life."

The Kindness of Unconditional Love

"Nobody can do for little children what grandparents do.  Grandparents sort of sprinkle stardust over the lives of little children."
― Alex Haley

My grandmother died 15 years ago today.  Remembering her is bittersweet because I still miss her.  She was about a month shy of her 87th birthday, but her death still shocked me because I expected her to live probably forever.  Even as the adult I was when she died, I could not fathom my life without her.

This morning, my siblings and I traded memories of our grandmother via text.  It included "Beauty," which is what she called her granddaughters.  But through the sadness and the great memories what shines powerfully is her unconditional love.  Always there, never wavering.  We found it when we ran into her arms, when we called her from our beds in the middle of the night when we woke up scared...  It was there at the other end of the phone when we called -- collect, of course -- from college.  I never doubted her love.  And that is a tremendous kindness -- a gift, really.  My grandmother's unconditional love continues to sustain me and I suspect it always will.