The Kindness of the Gracious Guest

"You cease to move into yourself, away from others.  You give up your antagonism.  You begin to move toward others in love.  God moved toward you in gracious, outgoing love, and you move toward others in that same outgoing love."
― E. Stanley Jones

Nine years ago, a friend of mine from college came to visit with her husband and two children over 4th of July weekend.  I still remember what terrific house guests they were.  They were pleasant and helpful.  They cleaned up after themselves.  They made dinner for us one night.  And then as the ultimate house guests, they washed the sheets and towels they used before leaving!

I was reminded of their kind graciousness recently as we traveled for a long weekend with another family.  They were great traveling companions.  Conversation was easy and we enjoyed each other's company.  The mom, who is incredibly thoughtful, brought all kinds of treats, and made several of her specialties for us to enjoy.  At departure time, her husband helped my husband load our car with our luggage. 

Visits from friends and trips can create great memories.  And the memory of kindness during those special occasions endures as well.

The Kindness of Looking on the Bright Side

"I do believe we're all connected.  I do believe in positive energy.  I do believe in the power of prayer.  I do believe in putting good out into the world.  And I believe in taking care of each other."
― Harvey Fierstein

I have a very special mom friend who always makes me feel better.  I finally asked her the other day, "Are you a glass half full kind of person?"  Yes, she answered.

I don't know if it is being a glass half-full kind of person only, but I frequently amazed -- pleasantly, of course -- by her responses to situations.  With a can-do attitude, she makes you feel that you can do, too.  She has an enthusiasm for life that is nothing less than contagious.  Whether she is talking about a recipe or an adventure, her positive energy is ever-present.  If anyone begins to mope about a situation, she will spotlight the bright side until you see it, too.  And her problem-solving skills are beyond compare.  She is funny and warm and a great friend, and her kindness in seeing the positive and sharing that freely leaves a trail of good energy in her wake.

The Kindness of a Teenager

"It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are."
-- e.e. cummings

Teenagers are notoriously self-absorbed, but one of my children has a friend who gives teenagers a good name with her kindness.  She actually thinks of others and anticipates others' needs.  One day as I supervised a group of them at the pool, I was going to sit down, but noticed that the chair was wet.  Before I could grab a towel, she said, "You can sit on my towel."  If she sees me cleaning up or carrying things, she will ask me if I need help.  This teenager has many terrific qualities and her kindness is one that truly stands out.

The Kindness of Surprise

"There is no surprise more magical than the surprise of being loved.  It is God's finger on man's shoulder."
-- Charles Morgan

While I was traveling for business last week, one of my dearest friends stopped by my house and surprised my children with a huge jar of Nutella.  With this and many other kindnesses, she constantly reminds my children of how much she loves them.

The Kindness of Providing Calm and Clarity

"The secret of success is to be in harmony with existence, to be always calm, to let each wave of life was us a little farther up the shore."
―  Cyril Connolly

One of my favorite ideas is from Sylvia Boorstein, a teacher of Buddhist mindfulness, who says that it is important to breathe to calm our bodies, so that our minds can calm down, and that enables us to have clarity, which leads us to see choices, and gives us hope and courage.  

But sometimes, it is hard to do that on our own.

As I rushed to the airport yesterday, worried about missing my flight and not making it home for my daughter's birthday, I called a friend from the cab.  I needed her to help me with a birthday-related surprise.  She was definitely the person for the job.  When she was told that the order I wanted to place needed to be done with 48 hours' notice as opposed to the 24 hours I had been told, she simply replied "ridiculous!" and proceeded to get it done.  Her helping me with that is certainly kindness enough.  But the greater gift that she gave me was that as I was panicking about not getting home, she told me not to worry that there were plenty of flights from where I was to our city.  She said she knew because she had flown from there before.  I believed her and calmed down. 

Sometimes, we need the kindness of our friends to help us out of panic and into calm.

Princely Kindness

"Helping others isn't a chore; it is one of the greatest gifts there is."
― Liya Kebede

Years ago, I decided that it was no fun to run through an airport to catch a flight, so I stopped cutting it close and try mightily to give myself ample time to navigate airports.

But sometimes, things don't quite work out the way we plan.

On the way back home from a business trip, I gave myself 10 minutes more than the hotel personnel suggested for the cab ride to the airport.  But a bad accident on the highway prevented me from enjoying my ample time approach and had me worried that I would miss the flight.  That I was trying to make it home for one of my children's birthdays made things worse.  When my cab arrived at the airport, I jumped out and raced through the airport.  As I approached the security checkpoint, the young man checking IDs reached around the person in front of me to take my ID and boarding pass.  Then he announced that I had been selected for expedited screening, so I did not have to remove my shoes.  Incredulous, I thanked him profusely and told him he was a prince as I ran to the checkpoint.  Without my asking, the person ahead of me trying to get his bags through the screening machine waved me ahead of him, and off I went.  I made the flight.

* * *

When I was a child, there was a comic strip in the newspaper -- "Love is..." -- that my mother loved.  It was created by New Zealand artist Kim Grove. 

In that spirit...

Kindness is...  when two friends let you buy them a couple of gallons of milk at the drugstore after they realize that they have left the husband's wallet in the car.

The Kindness of a Traveling Gentleman

“Courtesy is as much a mark of a gentleman as courage.”
– Theodore Roosevelt

There is something about traveling that seems to generate acts of kindness. It may be that because many of us travel alone, we have opportunities to give and to receive kindness to help each other along the journey.

On an early morning flight today, a woman was wondering if there would be room for her carry-on bag in the overhead compartment. A gentleman motioned to the flight attendant and said that his bag was a hanging bag and that perhaps it could be moved to make room for her. The attendant thanked him, but said that they had found a place for it.

Shortly after takeoff, the gentleman pulled out the widest three-ring binder I have ever seen and poured over it for most of the flight. Sitting next to him was a scruffy young man who looked as though he had not slept or perhaps even bathed for a couple of days. Shortly before landing, the young man asked the gentleman about the binder. Expecting a reply that would cut off further questions, I was instead surprised to hear the gentleman explain – in a very kind and gracious way – that he was an attorney reviewing documents. He then asked the young man about his travels, and when he heard that the young man had just returned from Brazil for the World Cup, he very enthusiastically asked him all about it.

The Kindness of an Invitation

"You must live in the present, launch yourself on every wave, find your eternity in each moment."
― Henry David Thoreau

Recently, I received a beautiful invitation:  "Invite yourself into the present moment."  I have read and heard many things about the importance of being in the present moment, but I had never heard it put that way.  It is a gentle way of coaxing ourselves into the here and now -- not in the troubles of the past or the worries of the present or future.  Nearly always, I find that truly being in the present -- even if for just a few minutes -- is much more enjoyable that ruminating about worries.  And there is great kindness in doing that for ourselves.

Quiet Kindness on a Street Corner

"What we all have in common is an appreciation of kindness and compassion; all the religions have this.  We all lean towards love."
― Richard Gere

A woman I know sometimes helps out a gentleman who collects money on a street corner that she frequently drives by.  The gentleman dresses in fatigues and has an ID badge from the Veterans Administration.  He collects money, but he sometimes asks her for water or for something sweet.  Although she is not sure whether he collects money for himself or for a veterans' organization, she tries to be prepared when she sees him -- sometimes she will give him money or a gift card or something to eat.

On a recent weekend, this woman and her family were on their way to dinner at the home of friends.  They were running late.  As they drove by an intersection, the woman saw the gentleman in fatigues and pointed him out to her husband, but they were already past him.  Although she did not ask him to do anything, her husband made two U-turns, so that they could slow down and drive by the gentleman in his fatigues.  As the woman was searching for a $5 bill in her purse, her husband gave the veteran $20.  The woman smiled, grateful for her husband's kindness.  And they continued on -- even later -- to the dinner. 

The Kindness of Presence and Special Effort

"The best effort of a fine person is felt after we have left their presence."
― Ralph Waldo Emerson

Last month, my son made his First Communion.  I was touched by many things ranging from the ceremony to the many kindnesses of family and friends.  Among those that stood out was the presence of a dear friend of mine's father.  Although he had lost his wife less than two months before, he joined us for the occasion.  I knew that it could not have been easy for him, but there he was.

I was thinking about this as I was helping my son with his thank you notes for the gifts he received.  When it came time to do the one for my friend's father, my son -- who does not like to speak Spanish (mostly because he finds it challenging) -- insisted on writing part of the note in Spanish.  (My friend's father speaks both languages, but we usually speak to him in Spanish.)  I think my son, at some level, understood the incredible kindness of this gentleman and wanted to acknowledge it with his own small, but special effort.

The Karma of Kindness

"Kindness, like a boomerang, always returns."
― Author Unknown

A woman I know recently met with a former colleague and gave her some advice.  They met for much longer than they thought -- 15 minutes shy of three hours.  The former colleague was very appreciative and wrote the woman I know a very thoughtful note.  The woman enjoyed spending time with her former colleague and did not think it was a big deal. 

The next day, this woman was struggling with something at her new job and trying to figure out whom to ask.  Her phone rang and it was a new colleague with whom she had never spoken.  On his own initiative, he called to welcome her and to ask if he could be of any help.  He then proceeded to give her invaluable advice, help her log on to their organization's intranet and even talk her through making entries.  When they were done talking, the woman I know realized that they had been talking for 2 hours and 45 minutes.  She wrote her colleague an e-mail thanking him and telling him that she would pay it forward. 

The following day as she was still appreciating her colleague's kindness, she realized that he had been on the phone with her the exact amount of time that she had spent with her former colleague the day before.  The karma of kindness?

The Kindness of a Shared Humanity

"Love and compassion are necessities, not luxuries.  Without them humanity cannot survive."
― Dalai Lama

After yesterday's post about the passing of a college friend's mother, one of my closest friends (who has never met my college friend) wrote to express her condolences.  And then she added:  "Make sure you check on her in a month.  That's when it hits home."  And she knows, having lost her own mother less than two months ago. 

This journey called life can be hard -- particularly during these moments of loss.  But it helps to know that we are not alone in those dark moments.  And how kind are those very special people who can reach out through their own grief to others.

Remembering Early Morning Kindness

"In the midst of the sense of tragedy or loss, sometimes laughter is not only healing, it's a way of experiencing the person that you've lost again."
― Alan Alda

I received an e-mail today from the husband of a college friend to say that my friend's mom had passed away.  It saddened me because I had known the mom and had a great deal of affection for her.  Although she lived in another state, I had been a guest at her home on a couple of occasions and we exchanged Christmas cards every year.  My friend's mom was kind and generous, happy and funny. 

Over the years, my friend shared many stories about her mom as well as her opinions.  For example, when we were in college, my friend told me that her mother thought that people who chew gum look like cows chewing their cud.  I quit chewing gum on the spot.  All these years later, I don't let my children chew gum and just last week, I told them that my view was shaped by my friend's mother.

My favorite story about my friend's mom took place when we were sophomores in college.  I was already back at school after a holiday, but my friend was still at home where there was a three-hour time difference.  Eager to call my friend for some reason that has since been forgotten, I waited until what I thought was a reasonable hour.  However, I calculated incorrectly and ended up calling at 5 am.  My friend's mother answered the phone and greeted me in her usual cheery voice.  When my friend came on the line, she said, "What's wrong?"  I had no idea why she was asking until she told me the time it was in her part of the country.  I was mortified and amazed that her mother had said nothing to me about it.  She is up early, my friend explained, and she just figured that I had to talk with my friend.  When I called to express my condolences this evening, my friend and I reminisced about the incident.  So many years later, her mom's kindness made us laugh when it seemed otherwise so hard to do.

The Kindness of Looking Out for Each Other

"Individual commitment to a group effort -- that is what makes a team work, a company work, a society work, a civilization work."
― Vince Lombardi

I recently attended an evening meeting of a board on which I serve.  A few minutes late, I walked in as quietly as possible.  Although there were several seats available at the end of the table, another woman on the board moved her purse from the seat next to her, so that I could sit.  An agenda and some other materials had been distributed, but I did not have them.  This same woman got up to get me the materials.  When I thanked her, she said, "We have to stick together -- we're a team."  I wasn't sure what team she meant -- maybe we were the working moms team or the board team or just the people team.  But whatever team we were on, it felt nice that she was looking out for me.

The Kindness of Comic Relief

"I'm sort of the comic relief after a hard day at work.  My message is that it's OK to relax."
― Larry King

Last month, I wrote about a woman who took great delight in painting her toes a novel shade of blue and texting her friends a photo of her happy feet.  Fast forward a couple of weeks:  This woman was on a conference call at her new job, trying to keep up with all the information being presented when -- surprise -- a photo of a foot with the same hue on the toes popped up on her phone.  She did everything she could to keep from bursting out laughing.  It seems that one of her dear friends from college had painted her toes the same happy shade of blue.  And in deciding to share the photo of her newly painted foot, this friend brought the kindness of comic relief to the woman's densely packed Monday morning.  Sometimes, we just need to be reminded to laugh a little.

The Kindness of Our Fathers

"My father gave me the greatest gift anyone could give another person, he believed in me."
― Jim Valvano

Our fathers give us many gifts and extend to us many kindnesses.  Certainly, believing is us is a powerful legacy to leave us.  On Fathers' Day, I remember with great love the special men in my life who served as fathers and who believed in me -- my father, my grandfather and my stepfather.  Though they are no longer here, their kindnesses toward me live forever in my heart.

Yesterday, I received a photo from a friend -- it was of him and his teenage daughter visiting some of our old college haunts.  He was spending the weekend with her while she worked for the summer in the city where we studied.  This friend of mine is an amazing dad -- and an incredible friend.  He is the kind of friend who believes in you -- the kind who gives you strength, who sends you notes telling you that you are fabulous when you are not especially convinced...  So, on Fathers' Day, I am also grateful for the terrific fathers who share their kindness not only with their children, but also with their friends.

Putting the Awesome in Kindness

"Let us be grateful to people who make us happy, they are the charming gardeners who make our soul blossom."
― Marcel Proust

I have a friend who is the mother of a girl in my daughter's class.  She is a yoga buddy, too.  A mother of four, she always has a serene sense about her.  When she walks into a room, it is impossible not to smile.  And when she gives you one of her warm hugs, you always feel better.  Today, one of my children told me that this mom "is awesome -- just being around her makes you happy."  Some people put the awesome in kindness. 

A Year of Reflections on Kindness

"Three things in human life are important: the first is to be kind; the second is to be kind; and the third is to be kind."
― Henry James

Tomorrow will be a year that we set off on this kindness journey.  It began as a family summer project -- last summer -- and here we are.  A year later. 

A few of the things that have struck me about the journey:

§  Opportunities for kindness abound.  We truly can approach each day, each encounter with kindness. 

§  And when we do, when we approach life with an open heart, wonderful things happen.  By opening ourselves to kindness, we have more meaningful interactions and our lives are filled with more joy.

§  Kindness can be small and it can be simple, but it is rarely forgotten.  The impact of kindness lasts and lasts.

May your journey be filled with kindness.

Little Kindnesses that Keep You Smiling

"I still get wildly enthusiastic about little things...  I play with leaves.  I skip down the street and run against the wind."

― Leo Buscaglia

The other day, a good friend of mine saw the photo that I have on my phone as wall paper and said, "Aw, that is what you should have there ―  something that makes you smile."  It is a photo of my children on a beautiful spring day at an Easter Egg Roll.  And it does make me smile ― every time I see it.

More and more, I realize how important it is to keep things ― and people ― around us that make us smile.  And sometimes, it's the smallest things.  Not very long ago, one of my children took the plastic cap from a water bottle and turned it into a happy face.  She put two glitter dots on it for eyes and drew a simple line as its smile.  Then she gave it to me.  I keep the bottle cap in a place where I see it every day and each time I see it, I smile.  It reminds me of childhood innocence, of the simple gifts that our children create, of how much my children mean to me...  Yes, a bottle cap happy face can remind me of a child's kindness and keep me smiling.

A Small Kindness on the Street

"The embodiment of kindness is often made difficult by our long ingrained patterns of fear and jealousy."
― Sharon Salzberg

A woman I know was looking for a parking space in a busy shopping district.  After circling the block a couple of times, she saw a car leaving.  As she was pulling into the parking space, another space right behind the first one opened up.  She noticed that one space had a 30-minute parking limit while the other had a much longer limit.  She wondered whether she should park in the one with the longer time limit and then realized that she did not need more than 30 minutes, so she left that space available for someone else who might need more time.

The Kindness of Giving Credit

"It is amazing what you can accomplish if you do not care who gets the credit."
― Harry S. Truman

In a very competitive world, it seems difficult for people to share credit or to give credit where credit is due, which makes it even nicer when you do see it.  Earlier today, I complimented a gentleman on a project he had done.  His response was that he could not have done it "without the great kindness" of someone else.  This gentleman felt compelled to share the credit and in so doing, he demonstrated his own kindness.

The Kindness of an Editor Named John

"Neither genius, fame, nor love shows the greatness of the soul.  Only kindness can do that."
―Jean Baptiste Henri Lacordaire

Today is the birthday of a former editor of mine.  I still remember every year -- even though he passed away nearly 10 years ago at the age of 57.  I worked for him almost 30 years ago, but will always remember the many lessons he taught me.  He taught me to be observant and to focus on details.  He helped me to become a much better writer.  He was that old-time kind of editor who argued with you over words and to whom you entrusted your story, knowing that he would only make it better.  He cared about me and his other reporters, and always had time to listen to us -- whether it was a personal or professional issue.  He hosted us at gatherings at his house, and we got to know and become fond of his family.

An achondroplastic dwarf, John stood 4 feet, 7 inches.  When I worked with him, he used a cane.  He eventually lost the use of his legs and used a scooter to get around the newsroom.  His size and limitations did not hold him back.  On the contrary, his courage and perseverance served as inspiration to the rest of us.  He was smart and funny, gruff and kind...  So many years later, it is his kindness that I remember most.

The Kindness of Seizing the Pause

"It's not only moving forward that creates new starting points.  Sometimes all it takes is a subtle shift in perspective, an opening of the mind, an intentional pause and reset, or a new route to start to see new options and new possibilities."
― Kristin Armstrong

In his column today in The New York Times, Bruce Feiler writes about commencement speeches.  He mentions several of the most well-known, including Kurt Vonnegut's "wear sunscreen" speech that -- despite being made into a song -- was not delivered or penned by Mr. Vonnegut.  Mr. Feiler also refers to George Saunders' commencement address, which promoted a simple message:  "What I regret most in my life are failures of kindness."

According to Mr. Feiler, Mr. Saunders had initially delivered the speech at his daughter's middle-school graduation 10 years before.  When he was invited to give the address at his alma mater Syracuse last year, he gave the same speech, which he said did not receive much attention.  Until -- The New York Times posted it online and it went viral.  Mr. Feiler quotes Mr. Saunders as saying that because graduations are milestones, everybody pauses:  "In the same way at a wedding or funeral, you take a breath and say, 'We're living here.'  And in that pause moment, I think we're a little more porous."

So, Mr. Feiler's advice to graduates: "seize the pause."

The concept of seizing the pause reminds me of being present.  But there is something about seizing the moment that implies greater intentionality and movement.  One of the definitions for seize is "to grasp mentally; understand clearly and completely."  And for me, there lies the gravity of the concept.  When we understand "clearly and completely" the importance and beauty of the pause, when we are a little more "porous" as Mr. Saunders says, we can seize the many opportunities for kindness.

The Kindness of Sharing Helpful Hints

"The fact that I can plant a seed and it becomes a flower, share a bit of knowledge and it becomes another's, smile at someone and receive a smile in return, are to me continual spiritual exercises."
― Leo Buscaglia

I have a mom friend who is pretty amazing.  She has four children, a job, and a husband, and she runs an amazing household.  One of the best things about her is that she doesn't do drama.  Her approach to life is straight forward.  She believes in helping people whenever she can.  A couple of years ago, she was a huge help to me when I took over a volunteer position that she had previously held.  She always whispered helpful reminders in my ear.

A few weeks ago, I ran into her at the grocery store and lamented that I had not brought my list.  She shared that she takes a photo of the grocery list with her mobile phone, so that if she has a chance to stop at the store, she can get what she needs -- minus an item or two that might have been added since the photo was taken. 

As I walked through the grocery store this evening looking at the photo of my list on my phone, I remembered again the kindness of this wonderful woman and was grateful for her friendship.

The Kindness of Cheering Someone On

"Love is cheering and sharing and compassion and giving and receiving.  Love is an action thing more than a word thing, that brings comfort or joy or relief to anyone or anything."
― Ziggy Marley

A woman I know was beginning a new venture.  She was nervous as she traveled to another city to get her project started.  But through it all, she had a virtual cheering squad.  Via text, she received incredibly encouraging messages from her friends.  They made her feel as though she was not alone.

Kindness at the Hotel

"Customer service is just a day in, day out ongoing, never ending, unremitting, persevering, compassionate, type of activity."
― Leon Gorman

On a recent business trip, I needed a cab to go to a meeting.  One of the bellboys at the hotel put me in a car that was not a cab, but that he said operated the same way.  It did not have a meter, but the bellboy said that the driver would charge me $15 to where I was going.  Off we went.  I had the directions, but the driver was not keen on following them.  He had no idea where we were going and said he would charge me $30, then it became $50...  Because he ignored my directions, we ended up having to backtrack and the trip took much longer.  When we finally arrived at the destination, the person I was meeting told the driver that the trip should cost no more than $30.  That is what I paid him.

The next morning as I was checking out of the hotel, I mentioned what happened to the front desk manager.  He was very apologetic.  He walked me to the hotel entrance and put me in a cab himself.  He also credited $30 to my hotel bill for my negative experience with the ride the night before.

I already am a big fan of this hotel chain -- yoga mats and M&Ms are draws for me.  But this manager's kindness and great customer service really stood out. 

Surprise Kindness with Perfect Timing

"There is no surprise more magical than the surprise of being loved."
― Charles Morgan

A woman I know was just beginning a new job, working remotely, when -- surprise -- her phone died on her first day working from home.  She wanted to burst out crying although she remembered that 10 years before on her first day of a previous job -- also working from home -- her Internet connection had not worked.  She tried to breathe, to think calmly, to accept that there was only so much she could do...  Then someone arrived at her door with a beautiful orchid.  It was sent by a couple of very special friends to wish her well on her new job.  She almost burst out crying -- but this time it was from how touched she was by the very unexpected and perfectly timed kindness of her friends.

The Kindness of Making It Easy to Ask for Help

"Not only do I think being nice and kind is easy but being kind, in my opinion, is important."
― Dwayne Johnson

Being a working mom usually requires some juggling and back-up.  Traveling takes it to another level.  Before traveling for business this week, I began lining up my helpers.  One of my favorite go-to moms texted me:  "Perfecto.  I am ready to report for duty."  It is difficult for me to ask for help, but this mom makes it much easier -- and has me laughing in the process.

Kindness on the Street

“If you walk down the street and smile at someone, that will get passed on to the next person.  That has the power to change someone’s day.”

-- Julianna Margulies

Riding in a cab, I saw a woman with a child in a running stroller struggling to hold on to the stroller while she also held open the door to a convenience store.  The door to the store was awkwardly positioned off a sidewalk with an incline, so the woman had to hang on to the stroller so that it would not roll away.  I wondered what she was doing until I saw that she was holding the door open for a man in a wheelchair.  Once he went safely inside, she continued on her jog.

Kindness at the Hair Salon

"Daily love and kindness are the path to a happy life."
―Amy Leigh Mercree

I rarely get my hair cut -- maybe twice a year.  But in anticipation of important business meetings next week, I decided to schedule a trim. 

As I was leaving the house to run several errands before my hair appointment, I received a call from a close relative saying that she was ill.  I ended up taking this relative to a nearby Urgent Care Center.  Thankfully, it was nothing serious, but I was late for my appointment.  I called the salon to let my hair stylist know. 

When I arrived at the salon, I apologized to my stylist and told him that he could just cut my hair and not dry it.  He would not hear of it.  (I felt badly as I overhead him and the scheduler push back an appointment.)  As I apologized again, he told me not to worry and thanked me for calling ahead so that they could move his next appointment a little.  A very nice guy, he was beyond gracious with me.  At no moment did he seem rushed and he took his time drying my hair.

I was so grateful for the stylist's kindness.  Although my relative did not have anything serious, it is always stressful to be worried about a loved one's health.  And a Saturday afternoon at a salon is not the time to be late.