The Kindness of Leading the Way

"We keep moving forward, opening new doors, and doing new things, because we're curious and curiosity keeps leading us down new paths."
―Walt Disney

One of my children has a friend who is a tenacious little girl.  Today she was honored for having the virtue of patience and a story was shared about her determination in putting together a book club for girls.

Whether we are adults or children, we benefit from the kindness of those who lead the way.  Sometimes they inspire us; sometimes they show us that we, too, can achieve.  Sometimes, as with this little girl, they create something for us to enjoy.

The Kindness of Helping Others to Stretch

"If you put yourself in a position where you have to stretch your comfort zone, then you are forced to expand your consciousness."
― Les Brown

In December, I accompanied one of my children's classes on a holiday nursing home visit.  Not having ever visited a nursing home, I wasn't quite sure what to do with myself.  Fortunately, there was someone to guide me and the students through.  One of the teachers, who looks more like a student, had this amazing way about her.  She went from nursing home resident to resident, greeting them with a big smile and a gentle touch.  This teacher did not seem to see the things that get in the way for the rest of us when dealing with people who are different than we are.  She seemed to only see people with whom to share her friendly manner and warmth.  Although I am a couple of decades older than this young teacher, her example was inspirational and powerful.

A couple of weeks ago, when we took the children to another nursing home for a short concert, I drew on the young teacher's example.  Although I was not a natural at reaching out to residents the way she was, I did make several strides forward.  I enjoyed opening my heart.  And I have that wonderfully warm young teacher to thank for helping me to stretch.

The Kindness of Not Making Someone Feel Badly

"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."
―Maya Angelou

I have a dear friend who never makes me feel badly -- even when I mess up.  A few weeks ago, we were meeting somewhere to do a good deed and I was running late.  When I called her to let her know, she said to me, "Oh my goodness, you cannot have stress about this.  I got you into this.  Just arrive when you do."  I remembered that today as I got my wires crossed about school pick-ups and she, once again, was very gracious.  We all know people who make us feel less than great about things, but what a gift my friend has to always make people feel good.

Little Kindnesses Among Siblings

"Blessed be childhood, which brings down something of heaven into the midst of our rough earthliness."
― Henri Frederic Amiel

Tonight as we drove home from a school reading event, my son wanted to keep reading his book in the car.  As I looked in the back seat, I saw one of his sisters holding her phone with the flashlight app so that he could read.  "Did he ask you to do that?" I asked.  "No," she replied with a very sweet smile that had no trace of wanting to be a too-cool teenager. 

That small gesture took me back a number of years to a power outage after a hurricane.  We had no electricity and only a couple of flashlights, including a very small one with a lens about the size of a quarter.  In the midst of the madness, I marveled at how each of my daughters took a turn holding the small flashlight while the other took her turn coloring.

Despite the sometimes seemingly endless days when children are young, childhood goes by in a flash.  But those moments of pure kindness among siblings -- when bickering seems momentarily forgotten -- last forever.

Sharing Kindness Across the Miles

"The more one does and sees and feels, the more one is able to do, and the more genuine may be one's appreciation of fundamental things like home, and love, and understanding companionship."
― Amelia Earhart

Today I had lunch with a dear friend and mentor.  She lost her husband nearly two years ago after almost 60 years of marriage.  They shared quite a partnership.  My friend told me that one of her grandchildren had asked her what she missed the most about her late husband and she had said the end-of-day debrief.  So, this granddaughter, who lives in another state, has taken to calling her grandmother at the end of the day to ask her how her day has gone.  My friend smiled as she talked about her granddaughter's kindness.

The Kindness of Always Being Willing to Help

"Pure love is a willingness to give without a thought of receiving anything in return."
― Peace Pilgrim

The other day, a woman I know was going to help a group of women with an event they were preparing.  She called a friend of hers, someone with whom she had worked on many volunteer projects, to see if the woman wanted to join her.  Though the woman had planned on doing something else, she agreed to go.  So off they went to offer their help.  As it turned out, when they arrived, there was nothing for them to do, so they went to have lunch and enjoyed the opportunity to catch up.  The woman I know appreciated the kindness of the other woman, who has always been willing to help her.

The Kindness of Driving... and Support

"If we have the opportunity to be generous with our hearts, ourselves, we have no idea of the depth and breadth of love's reach."
― Margaret Cho

On a recent morning, I was hurrying to get ready for an event when I received a text from a dear friend who also was going.  He told me that he was coming to pick me up -- about 30 miles out of his way.  I breathed a sigh of relief.  I didn't want to drive to where the event was being held and I also was a little nervous about going by myself.  His picking me up was a huge gift.  And, of course, it wasn't about the driving -- it was about his support.

My friend is one of the most kind and generous people I know.  He has been at my side through many events in my life for more than three decades now.  But his kindness never ceases to surprise me.  This was not the kindest thing he has ever done for me -- it was one more in a long line of kindnesses -- but it certainly is one that I will treasure more than he can ever imagine.

The Enduring Power of Kind Words

"Kind words are the music of the world.  They have a power which seems to be beyond natural causes, as if they were some angel's song, which had lost its way and come on Earth, and sang on undyingly, smiting the hearts of men with sweetest wounds, and putting for the while an angel's nature in us."
― Frederick William Faber

Four years ago, I went on a spiritual retreat, and received beautiful notes of support from friends and family members.  Today, as I was writing a few notes for friends who are going on a similar retreat, I remembered the notes I had received, and how very much the kind words of my friends and family meant.  I was very touched that they were thinking about me and that they had taken the time to write.  Their kindness filled my heart.  It still does.

More Kindness at CVS

"A better world shall emerge based on faith and understanding."
―Douglas MacArthur

Last week was my husband's birthday.  The children and I decided to make a photo card with their picture holding the number of the age he was turning (yes, milestone birthday).  The day before his birthday, one of the children created the numbers out of cardboard and I took the photo.  After dinner, we went to CVS to make the photo card only to find all the machines turned off.  The Photo Department had closed.  After an initial panic, we found a store employee who confirmed that the department had closed and that she had turned off all the machines.  We explained the situation -- how we HAD to have the birthday card for their father -- and she graciously turned on the two machines that we would need.  She stood next to us and helped us with all the prompts.  Thanks to her kind understanding, my husband was greeted with a beautiful photo card on the morning of his birthday.

The Kindness of Helping Us with the Letting Go

"All the art of living lies in a fine mingling of letting go and holding on."
― Havelock Ellis

In the past few days, my children have been in situations where I would love to be with them, but haven't been able to.  Enter those wonderful moms who understand.

During a school field trip, one mom sent me photos of my son.  It made my day as I was disappointed that I could not join him on the field trip.

In another situation, a mother whom I have just met texted me to say that she had seen my child having a great time.

Letting go, which we as parents must do, is not easy.  Whether it is the first day of preschool or going off to college, those moments are part of parenthood.  But knowing what we have to do does not always make the doing it easier.  Connecting us to our children through images caught on phone cameras or quick text messages is a kindness that not only lets us know that our children are happy and well, but also tells us that others understand and want to help.  I have found that kindness to be as steadying as the hand that holds me up when I stumble.  Sometimes we need to hold on as we navigate the letting go.

The Kindness of Paying Attention

"Tell me to what you pay attention and I will tell you who you are."
― José Ortega y Gasset

I have a very special friend from college.  She is more like family than a friend.  We met early on freshman year.  We lived on the same floor in the dorms and were in the same academic discipline.  Because we live in different parts of the country, I don't see her as much as I'd like.  But every so often, I am in her neck of the woods.  And, fortunately, she has been coming to my part of the world on an annual basis for a few years.

My special friend is in town and it was a treat to have dinner with her and my children.  The children all love their Tía, who on this occasion took them for a spin in her red convertible luxury rental.  They love the way she speaks (a mix of growing up abroad and English boarding school).  And probably more than anything, my children love the way she pays attention to them.  She asks them questions and listens -- really listens -- to their answers.  And she actually remembered one of their favorite dishes at the restaurant.

I know that the way my friend pays attention is one of the many things I love about her, too.  Her paying attention is a way of saying "you matter to me."  And that kindness means the world to children -- and to their mother.

Kindness and an Afternoon Violin Concert

"Happiness is a thing to be practiced, like the violin."
― John Lubbock

Thanks to the determination of a dear friend, my children and two of their friends spent part of the afternoon yesterday playing music for the residents of a nursing home.  My friend, the mother of the other two children, had been talking about doing this since last year.  With a soft spot in her heart for the elderly, she really wanted our children to put on a concert for them.  And so they did.

At first, the children were a little hesitant.  One of my daughters played a violin duet with one of the other girls.  Then my son played -- and played.  He played "Amazing Grace" and "Oh Susanna" and more than half the songs in his violin book.  Once he got started, he seemed to enjoy it.  At the end, the four violinists joined the clarinet player for a non-rehearsed rendition of "When the Saints Come Marching In."

The nursing home residents, all in wheelchairs, clapped.  One lady asked one of the girls to approach her and kissed her hand.  The assistants thanked us and said that they hoped we would return.

My friend's kindness got us to the nursing home.  The children's kindness and playing warmed the hearts of their audience.  My hope is that the children keep practicing -- the violin and kindness.

More Valentines' Day Kindness

"The greatest good you can do for another is not just to share your riches but to reveal to him his own."
― Benjamin Disraeli

The day before Valentines' Day, one of my daughters asked me to take her to CVS to buy a couple of cards.  I assumed that she wanted to buy Valentines' cards, but she selected two thank you cards for two teachers at her former school.  She spent time writing long messages in them.

The next day, we went to Mass at her old school.  My daughter had her cards and looked for the two teachers.  After Mass was over, she saw one of the teachers and gave her the card as the teacher walked back to class.  The other teacher was not at Mass, so we went to her classroom and spent time talking with her.  The teacher was clearly moved by my daughter's thoughtfulness and gave her a big hug.

As we drove the few blocks to our house, I received a beautiful e-mail on my phone from the teacher to whom my daughter had quickly handed the card at the end of Mass.  Writing to my daughter, the teacher told her she had been sent "like a Guardian Angel" because she was having a rough week at school and wondering whether she was reaching her students.  The teacher wrote:  "Then, here you come with such kind and loving words that made me realize that, while I may not reach all my students, I have definitely reached some."

I continue to be amazed by the power and serendipitous timing of kindness.  These teachers must obviously have shown kindness to my daughter in their interactions with her.  My daughter, in turn, was kind in letting them know -- and she shared her kindness just when it was needed.  I am proud of my daughter for expressing her appreciation to people who have made such an impact in her life, and I am grateful to the teachers for showing my daughter just how important kindness can be. 

Kindness... Through Snow and Valentines' Day

"Kindness is like snow ― it beautifies everything it covers."
― Kahlil Gibran

A friend of mine's daughter in New Jersey had surgery yesterday.  I wanted to send the little girl a small treat, so I called the cookie shop I use in New York only to find that a gift would not arrive before Tuesday or Wednesday of next week.  I Googled a florist in the town where they live, but did not find anything that would make sense for a little girl.  After searching some more, I found a chocolate shop in their town.  I called and asked whether they delivered and they said no.  I explained the situation to the woman who answered the phone.  And... despite the snowy weather up north and the fact that it was Valentines' Day (which I had somehow forgotten), the woman from the store delivered a lovely package of chocolate goodies to my friend's daughter within a couple of hours of our conversation.  My friend was delighted and she said the gift brightened her daughter's day.  The mission would not have happened but for the kindness of a woman named Erin in New Jersey.

Celebrating the Kindness of Friendship on Valentines' Day

"If you have only one smile in you, give it to the people you love."
― Maya Angelou

We always think of Valentines' Day as a romantic holiday, but this year, I am celebrating the blessing of love in my life -- the romantic kind and then all the rest of it.

This week, I have reveled in the kindness of friends ― just the joy of being with those who make me laugh, those in whom I can confide and those who seem to love even the quirkiness in me.

Yesterday, I  had lunch with a very good friend of mine, the quintessential move-a-body friend.  After lunch, we sat outside and ate yogurt.  It was one of those gorgeous blue-sky days with pleasant weather.  We laughed and remarked how much we were enjoying just doing what we were doing.  Ah, the kindness ― and magic ― of friendship. 

Kindness and Valentines' Goodies

"All you need is love.  But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt."
― Charles M. Schulz

It is not Valentines' Day yet, but I received flowers and a lovely Valentines' goody bag today -- from one of my dearest mom friends.

My friend and I check in nearly every afternoon to see when each of us will arrive at school, so that we can coordinate pick-ups.  With at least two pick-ups each and school traffic as gnarly as it is, our being each other's back up comes in very handy.  Today, she asked me if I could keep one of her daughters after school, so that she could accompany her other daughter to an activity.  It was no trouble at all.  I was simply putting one more child in my car and her daughter happens to be a wonderful little girl.  And my children love playing with her -- an added bonus.

When I arrived at my friend's house with her daughter in the evening, I commented on a beautiful vase of flowers she had by the door.  "Those are for you!" she said.  And there was a goody bag with several treats for me, including a hand lotion that I had mentioned liking and chocolate, and a very sweet card.

My friend is very thoughtful.  She remembers the smallest details -- like my commenting on how wonderfully a hand lotion smells.  And she is very kind to her friends.  I feel blessed to have her friendship and appreciate her Valentines' kindness.

The Kindness of Stepping In

"Because that's what kindness is.  It's not doing something for someone else because they can't, but because you can."
― Andrew Iskander

Today was a day that required a lot of zipping around, driving from one place to another.  To pick up all my children, I had planned driving gymnastics that were going to be hard to pull off.  Without being asked, a lovely friend of mine stepped in and said that she would pick up one of my children and keep him as long as necessary.  She even talked me through the various texts I needed to send to make the whole thing go smoothly at school.  Her kindness enabled me to catch my breath and saved me an hour-long roundtrip that there was no way I could realistically pull off and still do the other two pick-ups I needed to do.  In the classic way of true generous souls, my friend made it all seem like no big deal, which made her kindness all the sweeter.

Early Morning Kindness

"We can't help everyone, but everyone can help someone."
―Ronald Reagan

As I sat in my car at the school drop-off line this morning, I saw several children waiting to walk across the school driveway, in front of two lines of cars.  Usually, there are teachers assisting them, but there was no one there at that moment.  Several cars in front of me, a mother in her golf cart jumped out and helped the children cross and then ran back to her cart.  A couple of minutes later, as I was waiting to merge with another line of cars to exit the school, the mother in her golf cart was next to me.  I waved her in ahead of me.  I figured it was the least I could do -- her kindness inspired me or maybe just reminded me to be my better self.

The Kindness of Reassurance

"One of the most sincere forms of respect is actually listening to what another has to say."
― Bryant H. McGill

Life has its moments.  During the most challenging times, what many of us want is for someone to accompany us during the tough part of the journey.  Just the companionship is frequently enough to reassure us that we can make it through.

Recently, someone I know spent time listening to a friend on the phone.  The friend was upset, but not about what she was ranting -- although she didn't realize that.  So the listener stayed on the phone, walked her through the darkness and reassured her that it would be okay.

Kindness We See

"A book is a gift you can open again and again."
― Garrison Keillor

I frequently write about the long-lasting impact of kindness -- it continues to amaze me how the memories stay with us and make us smile and warm our hearts over and over again.  Earlier today, I was thinking about a kindness that I can still see. 

Years ago, when my first child arrived, a former colleague of mine gave me a small pink scrapbook.  The wonderful thing about this scrapbook was that all the pages were beautifully decorated by my friend, so all I had to do was to drop in the photographs and presto, I had an album!  The album has baby photos of my first daughter through her 18-month "birthday," which was a week before my second daughter was born.  I remember being determined to finish the album before I went to the hospital.  Completing the album before giving birth gave me a feeling of accomplishment (at a time when everything felt overwhelming).  The more important thing is that all these years later, we take great delight in looking through the album.  My oldest, in particular, loves looking at what she knows as her "baby book."  There are no words to thank my former colleague for this very special gift -- this kindness that we continue to see and enjoy.

The Kindness of New Friends

"Friendship is always a sweet responsibility, never an opportunity."
― Khalil Gibran

One of my daughters began a new school this year and I have been pleasantly surprised at the warm welcome she has received from the girls in the class.  One girl in particular has been extraordinarily kind to my daughter.  She has invited her to her house several times.  This afternoon, she invited my daughter over for a play date with several other girls for an afternoon of Valentine-related crafts and fun.  When my daughter left, it was raining, but that did not stop her new friend from running through the rain to give my daughter a little box of candy that she had left behind.

Sharing Kindness

"Infinitely more important than sharing one 's material wealth is sharing the wealth of ourselves -- our time and energy, our passion, and, above all, our love."
―William E. Simon

Today there was a special celebration at my daughters' schools -- a surprise field day.  The event is organized and led by the high school seniors.  As she told me about how terrific her day was, one of my daughters -- who is new to the school this year -- asked me if I could text the mothers of the two older girls who had served as captain and co-captain of her team; she wanted the older girls to know how much she appreciated their kindness toward her.  It happened that I knew the mothers of the girls and conveniently had their mobile phone numbers, so I texted them both.  I received lovely texts from the moms.  One of them shared that her daughter had teared up when the message was read to her. "Thank you!  It made her feel special," her mother texted.  So much kindness to go around -- the older girls were thoughtful in their planning and in their concern for the younger girls, and in turn, this younger girl was thoughtful in showing her appreciation.

Kindness Remembered

"Memories of our lives, of our works and our deeds will continue in others."
― Rosa Parks

Yesterday, I attended the 10th anniversary celebration of a chapel at the university where I used to work.  At the Mass, I recognized a name in the list of acknowledgments on the back of the program.  It was the gentleman who had played the piano and led an a cappella group at my wedding more than 17 years ago.

After the Mass, I approached the gentleman and told him that he had played at my wedding.  I also thanked him for how kind he had been.  In the midst of the madness of wedding preparations and dealing with vendors who were not all as nice, he had stood out for his professionalism and kindness.  He shared that he knows how frazzled brides are and that he tries to make it easy for them.  I told him that I always fondly remember him.  It is amazing how long we remember kindness.

The Kindness of Celebrating Others

"The applause is a celebration not only of the actors but also of the audience.  It constitutes a shared moment of delight."
―John Charles Polanyi, a Hungarian-born chemist who won the 1986 Nobel Prize in Chemistry

Yesterday, I received a call from our local Fresh Market store that one of my children had won a drawing contest.  The contest entailed drawing your favorite product from the store and the prize was a $50 gift certificate.  My daughter -- the winner -- had been very insistent on getting the application, working on her drawing and then making sure we submitted it by the deadline.  When the store manager called, I was thrilled for my daughter.  I called the mother of her best friend and arranged for her best friend to go with us to claim the prize.  (My daughter is blessed with a generous best friend whose heart seems to have no limits in the shared joy department.)

As I imagined, my daughter was incredibly happy.  We took photos at the store and then I shared them with a few members of our family and close friends.  My daughter enjoyed receiving congratulatory texts and e-mails.  A very special couple in Washington, two very dear friends who take great joy in our children, printed a copy of my daughter's artwork, took a photo of themselves with it and sent it to my daughter.  She excitedly showed it to me this morning.

There is kindness in celebrating other's successes, whether big or small.  Not only does it make the person who is enjoying her few minutes in the limelight feel extra special, but also it sets an important example for children of the kindness in celebrating each other.  And there is joy in sharing moments of delight.

The Ripple Effect (and Kindness) of Wise Counsel

"The best advice comes from people who don't give advice."
― Matthew McConaughey

A friend recently called to ask my advice on an issue relating to her children.  For a mother, it is very difficult to find clarity in thinking about situations or issues that negatively impact our children.  Because we feel so much is at stake, it is hard to push emotions aside and think clearly.  As I listened to my friend, I remembered a very important question that a dear friend of mine had asked me when I was grappling with my own child-related tough issue.  She had asked me, "What do you want?"  Her question made me think and made it possible for me to gain clarity.  As I spoke to this other friend, I asked her the same question and it helped us work through her situation.  Wise counsel is a kindness that seems to have a ripple effect.

The Kindness of Friendship That Sees Us Through

"If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one day so I never have to live without you."
― A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh

My mother has a very dear friend who is like family, so much so that we call her Tía (aunt in Spanish).  Tía and my mother have stood by each other through major losses and challenges as well as life's greatest joys and milestones.  And Tía has been a great friend to my siblings and me -- someone I have sought out for advice not only for me, but also for my friends. 

Tía's daughter was married last October.  My mother and I as well as other family friends pitched in to assist with wedding details.  As a thank you gift, the bride gave Tía, my mother and me the very generous gift of massages at a very nice hotel spa.  Today was Tía's birthday and she suggested that we celebrate by going together to get our massages.  We had a lovely lunch at the hotel's poolside restaurant overlooking the water, and then enjoyed our massages and the spa.  It was a wonderful way to celebrate a birthday and the kindness of friendship that sees us through.

Kindness... Out of the Mouth of Babes

"There are souls in this world which have the gift of finding joy everywhere and of leaving it behind them when they go."
― Jean Paul

A friend of mine's daughter turned 11 last month.  This little girl is one of my favorite children.  She is intellectually curious, poised and wise beyond her years.  When my children and I realized that we had missed her birthday, we scheduled a celebratory pizza outing as quickly as possible.  When we picked her up, she said, "I was not expecting this at all."  As we walked toward the pizzeria, one of my children said, "I wanted to get you a big card, but my mom didn't let me."   The little girl responded, "Oh, I like smaller cards better."

I don't know how one raises such a kind child... Nature, nurture -- who knows.  She does have terrific parents who serve as role models.  But I marvel that in this era of snarkiness, back talk and sarcasm, an 11-year-old can manage to remain centered, be true to herself and exude kindness.  And to leave joy behind wherever she goes.

Kindness and Parking Spaces

"The purpose of human life is to serve, and to show compassion and the will to help others."
― Albert Schweitzer

Earlier today, I parked in metered parking along the street of a commercial area.  After I put my money in the meter, a woman who was parked inside a lot said, "You know you could park here for free."  "Really?" I said, somewhat incredulously because in this particular municipality, there is no free parking.  The woman insisted.  "Next time, " I said.  I thanked her and continued walking -- past a sign that said the lot was municipal parking and one needed to pay seven days a week/24 hours.  Nonetheless, I appreciated the woman's kindness.  She had reached out and tried to help.