The Kindness of Adventure... and a List

"Life is an adventure, it's not a package tour."
~ Eckhart Tolle

I have not gone camping in more than a couple of decades -- since sleep-away camp before I was a teenager.  But I somehow became intrigued with a one-night camping adventure that a mom friend and her family have done before, and before I knew it, I had actually signed up for this year's event -- which is tonight! 

I had been hoping to have a few hours this morning to tie up some loose ends at work and then prepare, but life got in the way and I found myself rush-rushing again.  My mom friend, who is going again with her family, called as I was trying to figure out how I would get everything done.  "I am going to make a list for you of what you need to bring," she said.  "I got you into this."  Well, I don't think she did -- at least not in a bad way.  I must admit that I have found myself on a number of adventures with her that I probably would not have experienced otherwise, but I am always glad that she inspires me out of my comfort zone.  And I was very grateful for the list.  Wish me luck!

Of Kindness and Brothers

"A brother is a friend given by Nature."

~ Jean Baptiste Legouve

One of my brothers has the patience of a saint.  Over the years, he has allowed me to enlist him in all types of projects, from rotating a mattress to cleaning out a car.  He doesn't ask a lot of questions.  He agrees to do something if he can and then he arrives on time.  Being quite a bit younger, he also is infinitely more tech savvy than I am, so he developed an Excel spreadsheet for my Christmas card list and tweaks it for me every year. 

Recently, I had a video Skype call with a colleague, but I was not sure of a couple of things.  My poor brother was stuck in a hotel room in a blizzard-affected Northeast city.  With his usual good cheer, he helped me to figure out my Skype issues.  As it turns out, my colleague called me on the phone to say that he was having technical difficulties and would I mind not Skyping. 

On a recent evening, I texted my brother because I needed his help wording something in language that he knows better than I do.  Before telling him what I needed, I asked him where he was.  Still on business travel and at dinner.  "Anything I can help with? Skype issues?" he asked.  I told him what it was and he said he could review it later.  Because I needed to send the communication out immediately, I asked him a couple of questions, which he immediately answered.  It ended up as these things do -- while he was at dinner, he revised what I needed to send.  These moments remind me of how very grateful I am for the patience and generous spirit of my brother, who is a true friend.

The Unintended Kindness of Running Late

"Surprise is the greatest gift which life can grant us."
~Boris Pasternak

Sometimes, it feels as though I am always in rush-rush mode.  As I drove to a business meeting recently, I came across a closed lane on the highway.  Anticipating that I might be a few minutes late, I called the person I was meeting to let him know.  "Our meeting was at 10?" he asked.  Uh-oh, I thought, and hoped that it was not earlier.  It turns out that he had mistakenly thought it was at 11 am.  He said that the fastest he could arrive was 10:30.  I told him it was no problem at all as I had plenty to keep me busy.  As it turns out, I arrived at our meeting place at 10:01.  But his being late gave me the unexpected gift of a half hour.  I was able to make a call, respond to e-mails and just catch my breath.  Most of the time, being late throws things off, annoys the other person and is just not good business.  But every so often, being late has an unexpected result.  And in my case, I decided that it was a little unintended -- and unanticipated -- kindness thrown my way.

The Kindness of Sharing Your Blooper Reel

"It's wonderful to move forward technologically, but we cannot forget that we are human beings who thrive on relationships, who thrive on interconnectivity, who thrive on sharing your feelings and emotions."
~ Goldie Hawn

A while back, I read that one of the problems created by social media is that we are constantly barraged by other people's "sizzle reels" -- almost a promotional version of their lives (think Facebook, Instagram...) -- while we live our own blooper reels.  I was reminded of that recently as I talked with one of my closest friends about parenting.  He shared a less-than-flattering story about himself and his family, which not only had me laughing -- as he knew it would, but also helped me to realize that we all have those blooper moments.

Kindness and the Kitchen

"I think careful cooking is love, don't you?  The loveliest thing you can cook for someone's who's close to you is about as nice a valentine as you can give."

~ Julia Child

I have friends who truly enjoy cooking...  But I don't.  So I am very fond of meal-related kindnesses and I remember them even years later.  When my children were small, a very dear friend came over several times and cooked one of his delicious specialty dishes.  I can still see him in my kitchen.  Another time when I was very pregnant, a girlfriend came over and made dinner.  And then there is one of my children who from time to time will decide to make dinner.  Recently, she prepared our dinner -- complete with fresh baked cookies for dessert.  And then cleaned up!

Kindness and an Exhausted Friend

"A true friend is someone who is there for you when he'd rather be anywhere else."
~ Len Wein

Recently, I had to go to a work-related evening function in a part of town that I find difficult to navigate. I reached out to an old friend and asked if he would accompany me. He said yes -- as he has for years. We agreed to meet at his office. When I arrived, he shared that he had just returned from the West Coast on a red-eye flight that morning and that he had also been to the hospital as he had broken one of his fingers shortly after arriving.  But he went with me and was the perfect companion, and never complained even as we were the last to leave.

Helpful Kindness, Inspiring Kindness

"Try to be a rainbow in someone's cloud."
~ Maya Angelou

As much as I yearn for the weekend, there are some weekend days that put weekday work days to shame.  Recently, a Sunday (that I knew would go long) began with trying to get my children to their school for a performance, but first having to navigate a marathon race that had streets closed.  I hurriedly ate a yogurt in the car and arrived before the event began -- only because it started late as everyone, it seemed, was late, too.  After parking and rushing up a flight of stairs, I walked in to the performance hall with my empty yogurt container and looked around for a trash can, but couldn't find one.  I asked one of mom friends, who had graciously saved us seats, if she knew where the trash was.  As we looked around, her teenage daughter stood up and said, "I'll throw it away for you" and off she went.

A couple of hours later at the end of the event, the performing arts teachers were being acknowledged for their organization of the performance.  I was not surprised to see that my friend's daughter was one of the first to stand and honor the teachers.  Her classmates followed suit.

Sometimes kindness can seem tiny, but to a harried mother, getting rid of her trash was a big help, especially when all I wanted to do was plop down in my seat and stop rushing.  And sometimes kindness can be an example and inspire others to join in the kindness, too.

Kindness Among Siblings

"If you want to do really important things in life and big things in life, you can't do anything by yourself.  And your best teams are your friends and your siblings."
~ Deepak Chopra

There are few things nicer for a mother to observe than kindness among siblings -- even if they are someone else's children.

My children have friends who are brother and sister.  Interestingly enough, neither child is in the same grade as any of my children.  They did all attend the same school at one point, but no longer.  Nonetheless, all of my children really like this brother-sister duo.  And as a mother, I love having children over who are so nice that they bring out the best in my children.  These two easily fit the bill.

On a recent weekend afternoon, I found my children playing a game on their iPads while FaceTiming with the sister.  They were all playing a game together.  I offered to pick her up as we are blessed that they live a few blocks away.  We also invited the brother, but he was finishing homework, so the mother said that she would bring him over later.  After I picked up the sister, we stopped at an Argentinian restaurant to get some food for takeout.  As I was driving back home, the mother texted me to say that her son had finished his homework and that she could bring him over.  I told her that I was still in the car and could run by and get him.

When I picked up the brother, I asked him if he was hungry and shared that we had bought food and that I would be happy to go back to the restaurant to get him something.  He said that he had eaten lunch and wasn't too hungry -- yet.  His sister offered to give him half of her empanada, but he initially did not seem too interested.  When we arrived at my house a few minutes later, the brother said to the sister, "You know, I think I am hungry now."  She immediately prepared to give him half of hers.  One of my children had asked for two, so I suggested that she give him one of hers and that worked out.  The sister also had a small strawberry tart and she offered half to her brother, which he graciously accepted.  I was very touched by the sister's generosity and by the nice way that the siblings speak to each other.

As a friend of mine shared with me years ago, chances are that siblings are probably the people you will know the longest in life.  And as I have learned, they are a unique and important link to our past.  It is truly a lovely thing to see such kindness among siblings.  It bodes well for their future.

The Kindness of Two Strangers on Pizza Night

"Stranger, if you passing meet me and desire to speak to me, why should you not speak to me?  And why should I not speak to you?
~  Walt Whitman

On a recent Friday night, a couple of mom friends and I gathered our families for our usual pizza night at a local restaurant.  On this particular night, we were celebrating the birthday of one of my friend's children.  As we were putting together a couple of tables to fit our entire party, an older couple sitting close by asked us if we needed their table because they would be happy to move.  We thanked them for their kindness, but said that we did not need another table.  It did occur to me that they might be happier moving away from our rather raucous party, but I kept that to myself.

The Kindness of Candor

"Candor is a compliment; it implies equality.  It's how true friends talk."
~ Peggy Noonan

A professional colleague asked me to call him recently.  A few days before, I had reached out to him on a business matter, but had not heard back, which was not typical of him.  When we spoke, he told me that he had been dealing with an important personal matter and then he shared the details.  I appreciated his kindness in being so candid, and was glad that work had brought us together as friends.

Of Kindness and Courage

"Life is mostly froth and bubble;
Two things stand like stone:
Kindness in another's trouble,
Courage in your own."
~ Adam Lindsay Gordon

A friend of mine had surgery recently.  Her recuperation will mostly likely take a few weeks and includes not driving for a while.  I thought I could perhaps pick her up for lunch to get her out of the house for a bit.  But she told me that she couldn't because she was getting a ride to the hospital to see a friend's husband who is unexpectedly facing major surgery.  My friend is the kind of person who walked out of the hospital less than 24 hours after giving birth, so I have no doubt that her courage and strength will speed her along the recovery process.  I also believe that her generous heart will serve her well -- kindness has a way of blessing the one who shares it, too. 

A Daughter's Kindness

"The thing I'm the most proud of in my personal life is that my daughter actually thinks that I'm fabulous."
~ Brooke Shields

Recently, one of my best friends celebrated her birthday with a party -- the big fun kind complete with catering, a DJ and lights.  (In fact, I learned a new term -- uplighting -- for some special colorful lights at the front of her house.)  My friend deserves her big party and so much more.  She is an incredibly hard working professional woman who has shot through the glass ceiling without arrogance or bravado.  She is also a devoted mother.  And the most special part of the evening was when her teenage daughter gave a toast and called her mother her best friend and thanked her for everything she had done for her.  I can't imagine a kindness that would mean more to a mother. 

The Kindness of a Call

"Funny thing how when you reach out, people tend to reach right back.  Best, then, to make sure your hand is open and not fisted."
~ Richelle E. Goodrich

Earlier today, I texted an old friend to wish her college-age daughter a Happy Birthday.  Although we have been friends since our early teens, our children are very different ages (she is now an empty nester), so we don't see each other as often as we would like.  We went back and forth texting a few times and then she called me.  What a pleasant surprise!  We spoke for more than half an hour and caught up on each other's families and shared stories about our child-rearing experiences.  Texting is a great thing -- it is less disruptive than a call and works when a call might not.  But all too often, we rely on it as a means of communication when it might make more sense to recall that old AT&T slogan, "Reach out and touch someone."  It is truly a nice thing when someone does.

The Kindness of Little Things

"Life is made up, not of great sacrifices or duties, but of little things, in which smiles and kindness, and small obligations given habitually, are what preserve the heart and secure comfort."
~ Humphry Davy

Kindness does not have to be grand.  On a recent Saturday evening, I was dropping off one of my children at an evening birthday party when I ran into another mother whom I don't know very well.  She offered to bring my child home after the party.  I declined the offer because I live very close to where the party was and did not mind going back later, but I appreciated her kindness. 

The Kindness of Giving Peace of Mind

"You have to find a network of 'Mom friends.'"
~ Susan Kane

When I recently had to travel out of town, I asked one of my dearest mom friends if she could take one of my children to a party.  Of course, she replied and then offered to take one of my other children for the afternoon, too.  When my children are with my friend, I don't worry at all.  Not only does my friend take excellent care of my children, but she also is incredibly uncomplicated so I do not have to stress about whether logistics go exactly according to plan.  The peace of mind that she gives me is quite a gift.

The Kindness of Asking for Help

"Refusing to ask for help when you need it is refusing someone the chance to be helpful."
~ Ric Ocasek

A friend of mine recently texted me to say that she had to ask me for a "huge" favor, but first, she wanted to know what I was doing at the time she needed the favor to make sure it wasn't an imposition.  I was thrilled about the prospect of doing her a "huge" favor!  Why?  Because she is forever helping me.  I enthusiastically asked if she needed me to take her children for the weekend.  It turns out her favor was not much of a favor at all, but I was happy to do it.  Helping in a small way is better than not at all.

The thing is that my friend is incredibly thoughtful -- and kind -- and while she is always helping others, she rarely asks for help in return.  And I have figured out over the years that people like to help.  It makes them feel good -- especially when there is nothing big or else that you can do. 

 

A couple of years ago, the husband of an older friend of mine died.  The daughter called me to ask if I could pick up several copies of the newspaper, so that they would have additional copies of the obituary.  Knowing that I could do nothing about the big loss in their lives, I was glad to be able to help in that very small way.  So it seems to me there is kindness in asking for help from those who care about you and want to do whatever there is to be done -- you are actually making them feel better by allowing them to help you, even in the smallest way. 

Alas, it turns out that my friend did not need my help.  And in her characteristically gracious way, she texted me:  "I am still just as grateful as ever." 

A Weekend of Kindness

"What is there more kindly than the feeling between host and guest?"
~ Aeschylus

I recently traveled out-of-town for a memorial service.  A couple of weeks earlier, one of my dearest friends asked me when I would be in her neck of the woods and I had mentioned this trip, even though the service was not in my friend's city, but rather in another city about an hour away.  My friend invited me to stay with her and said that she would drive me to the other city.  What awaited me was a weekend filled with kindnesses, too numerous to mention, but each one touched my heart and made me feel very taken care of and loved.

There was lots of driving and feeding me:  On Friday evening, my friend picked me up at the airport, and she and her husband took me out to dinner.  The following morning, she made me a delicious breakfast before driving me more than an hour to where I had to go.  When I returned from the memorial service, she made a lovely dinner for me.  And then she drove me to the airport on Sunday morning -- after another delicious breakfast, which she made extra hearty as she imagined I would not eat lunch.  And then there were so many other things...  When she saw that I had brought a trench coat, she said that I could not possibly wear that to the service because I would be cold, so she lent me one of her winter coats.  When she thought that I had been cold the first night, she put a heater in my room the second night.  My friend was so incredibly thoughtful -- I think it would be hard to find a kinder host.

The Kindness of Seeing Audrey

"The best thing to hold onto in life is each other."
~ Audrey Hepburn

A woman I know decidedly does not look like Audrey Hepburn -- at least not outside her fantastical imagination.  Nonetheless, she has used Holly G as a moniker when writing online reviews and as her code-name when playing laser tag.  (It seems visions of Tiffany's sometimes dance in her head.)  This woman has a dear college friend who from time to time sends her postcards with beautiful photos of Audrey.  Recently, the friend sent this woman a book of Audrey photographs on the set of Sabrina.  Inside the book, the college friend wrote, "Hope you enjoy reading about yourself, my favorite Audrey."  The woman I know was thrilled to receive the book, but even more touched by what she decided was her friend's romanticized notion of her.  But on further reflection, this woman realized that her friend has always held space for her to be the best version of herself.

The Kindness of Being Happy for a Friend

"One of the sanest, surest, and most generous joys of life comes from being happy over the good fortune of others."

~ Robert A. Heinlein

My daughters have a friend whose gifts had not previously included athletics.  Smart, articulate and resourceful, their friend had been known to pass on overly strenuous activities.  But recently, she joined her school's soccer team.  One of my daughters shared the news with great pride and said that we had to go see her play in her first game, even though my children are no longer in the same school.  And watch her play we did.  With a bow in her hair and a pink Nike swoosh on her sneakers, she ran across the soccer field as my daughters took photos and cheered her on.  I was delighted that my daughters could enjoy someone else's success.

The Kindness of Example, Part 2

"A good example is far better than a good precept."
~ Dwight L. Moody

"Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example."

~ Mark Twain

In the last week or so, we have received several handwritten thank you notes for gifts -- including two from teenage girls.  In addition to it being rare to receive handwritten correspondence, these notes are wonderful reminders for my children of how nice it is to receive a thank you note.  Another mother recently shared with me that she has her daughters read the thank you notes the family receives and then asks them how it feels to read them -- in an effort to have that serve as motivation.  I am very grateful to the people who have sent us notes.  I do love reading them and I also am thrilled to have the example for my children.

The Kindness of Example, Part 1

"There is no teaching to compare with example."
~ Robert Powell

I was delighted to see that he did it again!  My daughter's English teacher -- a true gentleman -- sent her a handwritten thank you note for the Christmas present we gave him.  As I have written, I truly believe in the importance of writing thank you notes, but all my insistence pales in comparison with the example of a thank you sent -- and from a male teacher, no less!

Kindness and an Earring

"Women should never go without earrings. Passing them is an opportunity missed."
~ Jennifer Lopez

Some people never miss an opportunity for kindness -- even when I come close to missing an opportunity to wear earrings.

I was staying at a dear friend's house to attend an out-of-town memorial service.  We were running a little late as we got in the car for the drive. Just a couple of minutes after leaving my friend's house, her husband called. "I found an earring," he said. I immediately reached for my ears and realized that I was wearing only one earring.  My friend asked me if I wanted to turn around, but I remembered that I had a spare pair in my purse.  Nonetheless, I was touched by her husband's kindness. I am not sure that every husband would have noticed an earring on his kitchen counter and then thought to make a call to alert his wife's friend that she was missing an opportunity to wear both earrings.

In-Flight Kindness

"The simple act of caring is heroic."
~ Edward Albert

On a recent flight, I had trouble finding space for my suitcase in the overhead compartments as the one above my seat was already taken. The flight attendant helped me find space in a compartment that was across the aisle and a little behind my seat, and as I went to put my suitcase up, a very nice gentleman said that he would do it. When the plane landed and everyone stood up eager to get out, I wondered how I would get to my suitcase.  I felt a tap on my hand and the same gentleman who had helped me earlier told me that he would get my bag. "I was looking at my bag and hoping that it would grow wings," I said. "It just did," he replied.

The Kindness of Sharing Wisdom

"Clearly older women and especially older women who have led an active life or elder women who successfully maneuver through their own family life have so much to teach us about sharing, patience, and wisdom."
~ Alice Walker

Recently at the beauty salon, I was checking out and struggling to sign my credit card slip with wet nails.  "Would you like me to do it for you?" I heard someone behind me ask.  It was an older woman who had the appointment after mine.  It was such a nice thing to do and as I looked at her, I realized that she looked like someone I knew... my son's former t-ball coach.  I asked the woman her last name and told her I knew her son, who, in addition to being a volunteer coach is a doctor, an accomplished singer, composer and pianist, and the father of five.  "Now I know where his nice genes come from," I said.  She shrugged it off and we began a conversation as her nails were being painted and I waited for mine to dry.  She talked about her mother, who was 99 years old, and also about raising her children and gave me advice that I took to heart.  I felt so blessed to have had such a random encounter with this woman and grateful that she shared her wisdom.

The Kindness of Promptly Responding

"Kindness is more important than wisdom, and the recognition of this is the beginning of wisdom."
~ Theodore Isaac Rubin

My son has an amazing teacher at his new school.  She is an incredibly patient and surprisingly wise young woman.  She has helped my son with the transition to a new school and I have seen her manage her classroom expertly -- so much so that I once thought the children were not in the classroom because they were so well behaved.  With this teacher's guidance, my son has soared.  He has progressed beautifully and is even enjoying a subject that he previously did not like.  Bottom line:  She is a terrific teacher.  And as any parent who has dealt with anything less knows, that is truly a blessing.

This teacher is also very kind to the parents, and treats us with respect and compassion.  One of the things that impresses me about her is her responsiveness.  Whenever I e-mail her, she replies very quickly, which is really helpful.  Whether it is a classroom issue or a scheduling question, her timely responses make my life easier.  And that is another blessing for a sometimes crazed working mom!

Squeezing in a Pretty Big Kindness

"To give somebody your time is the biggest gift you can give."
~ Franka Potente

I recently ran into a friend of mine who was trying to make it to the bank before it closed.  A working mother of four, she helps a relative of her husband with the payment of bills.  This kindness entails going to the bank every week and withdrawing money for various payments, and then going to visit the  elderly relative, and leaving money to purchase groceries and pay caretakers.  I have always thought of this friend as incredibly generous, thoughtful and kind, so I am not surprised, but I am still in awe of all that she manages and the kindnesses that she still finds a way to do.

Kindness in Line

"Smile at a stranger.  See what happens."
~ Patti LuPone

A woman I know ran to a restaurant restroom only to find that there was just one stall and that another woman was waiting.  "You can go before me," the woman waiting said.  "How did you know?" the other woman asked.  "I could see it in your face," the woman replied.  Ah, the kindness of strangers!

Coaching with Kindness

"In the end, it's about teaching, and what I always loved about coaching was the practices.  Not the games, not the tournaments, not the alumni stuff.  But teaching the players during practice was what coaching was all about to me."
~ John Wooden

My children have a very kind tennis instructor.  A young man, he is patient and friendly, in addition to being a good coach.  But what impresses me the most is how he tries to motivate each child in a way that makes sense for each one.  He engages the children in various games that play to their different abilities and offers encouragement along with instruction.  I am glad that my children are learning a game that they can play their whole lives, but I am happier that they also are learning about coaching with kindness.

The Kindness of Traveling Lightly

"For once you have tasted flight you will walk the earth with your eyes turned skywards, for there you have been and there you will long to return."
~ Leonardo da Vinci

It occurred to me this morning how amazing it would be if we could "travel light" -- not in the way that we think of when going on a plane trip and hoping not to check in baggage.  Instead, what if we could put down the anger, the negative feelings about people, experiences and the past, and just move forward?  I am not saying that we should forget -- the lessons of the past should definitely inform our decisions and actions going forward.  But what if we took those lessons and experiences as information and nothing more?  What if we could let go of the negative emotions that accompany them?  I don't think it's an accident that this occurred to me in the middle of yoga exercises as I tried mightily to stay in the present moment, to just breathe...  The mere thought of being able to do this made me smile, and I felt both a little lighter and even a bit more free.

My hope is that we can all travel a little more lightly this year.  I think that would be a kindness for ourselves as well as for those who accompany us on the journey.

Holiday Kindness on the Phone

"Maybe Christmas, the Grinch thought, doesn't come from a store."
~ Dr. Seuss

Recently, I tried to send a gift from an online vendor, but I was having trouble placing the order via the website.  I called a phone number on the website, but no one answered.  Next, I tried a number for one of the vendor's stores and managed to get someone on the phone.  I shared that I was having trouble ordering online, but the shop employee said that the store was separate from the online sales.  I told her that I had tried calling the online number and I asked if she could possibly help me.  The woman turned out to be incredibly helpful.  She figured out what was the most cost-efficient way for me to order and then took the details for my order.  She gave me her name and told me to call if I needed anything else.  I was grateful for the kindness, especially given how hectic the holidays can be for those in stores.

Of Kindness and New Year's Resolutions

"Cheers to a new year and another chance for us to get it right."
~ Oprah Winfrey

"Be at war with your vices, at peace with your neighbors, and let every new year find you a better man."

~ Benjamin Franklin

After years (ok, decades) of making New Year's resolutions, I decided this year to try something different.  I identified several areas that I wanted to focus on in my life and I will try to aim for those every day.  Of course, one of them is kindness -- toward others and myself.

I don't think that we need to go crazy making resolutions for the new year, but at the very least, new years -- like birthdays (especially those milestone ones) -- serve as moments of reflection.  Where am I and where do I want to go?  If we don't take stock, we can end up living by default.

What are you going to focus on this year?