The Kindness of Peace of Mind

"Love and peace of mind do protect us.  They allow us to overcome the problems that life hands us.  They teach us to survive... to live now... to have the courage to confront each day."
― Bernie Siegel

I recently needed some additional help with childcare.  Generally, I try to spread out my favor requests and felt that I had asked too many friends lately for assistance.  As I thought about whom to ask, I decided that I would call one of my oldest and dearest friends -- I don't always think to ask her because we don't live close and our children are not the same ages.  I asked her if my son could stay at her house for a little while until I could pick him up.  "Of course," she said and then asked, "Do you need me to pick anyone up?" 

I ended up not needing her help, but I nonetheless felt the impact of her kindness -- the willingness to do what I was asking and more, which immediately gave me the incredible gift of peace of mind.

The Kindness of Showing Compassion

"The purpose of human life is to serve, and to show compassion and the will to help others."
― Albert Schweitzer

You may have already heard about the wife and husband in Iowa who left a $100 tip on a $66 restaurant bill -- even though the service was awful.  It seems the restaurant was short-handed and the waiter was on his own trying to attend to 12 tables.  Celebrating a wedding anniversary, the couple left the waiter the big tip to let him know that they knew the bad service was not his fault.  The wife posted the receipt (without showing the name of the restaurant) on her Facebook page to remind people "to think of the entire situation before you judge."  The post has gone viral and garnered more than one million "likes."

"I hope people just show more compassion for everybody," the wife said.  "If you can give little or give big, I think everybody's world would be a little kinder, gentler and nicer."

The Kindness of a Listening Ear

"Listening is such a simple act.  It requires us to be present, and that takes practice, but we don't have to do anything else.  We don't have to advise, or coach, or sound wise. We just have to be willing to sit there and listen."
― Margaret J. Wheatley

In the checkout lane at the grocery store this evening, I overhead the cashier speaking to a customer.  She was sharing how she talked to her two-year-old about his father who had passed away.  The customer had a similar experience and they talked about how they deal with the challenges, including the questions from the children.  In addition to feeling sad for the cashier who looked quite young, I was amazed how these two women connected as one rang up the other's groceries.  The couple behind the customer stood silently as did I.  When it was my turn, the cashier also talked to me  -- not about the same subject, but about other less private aspects of her life.  "Thanks for listening," she said after I paid.

As I was leaving, I was thinking about a day earlier in the week when a friend called and we talked -- or rather I talked -- for a while.  At the end, I thanked her and said, "Guess I needed some human connection."  We all do.  And how lovely when we can benefit from the kindness of a listening ear.

More on Kindness and Birthdays

"Each smallest act of kindness — even just words of hope when they are needed, the remembrance of a birthday, a compliment that engenders a smile — reverberates across great distances and spans of time, affecting lives unknown to the one whose generous spirit was the source of this good echo, because kindness is passed on and grows each time it's passed, until a simple courtesy becomes an act of selfless courage years later and far away."
— Dean Koontz

I have written before about two dear friends, a married couple, who are among my Kindness Muses.  They live in another city, but have a home in our community and visit several times a year.  In the nearly 14 years that we have known them, we have become good friends and they truly are among the kindest and most generous people I know.

This morning, the woman called to say that she had been reading a book by Dean Koontz and had come across this passage about kindness.  It reminded her of me, and then— she remembered my birthday, which was yesterday.  She felt badly and said, "Birthdays are important!"  And I won't disagree, but the truth is that she is amazing about birthdays.  She always remembers my children's and manages to buy and ship their gifts, so that they arrive with perfect timing.  But we are all human and have forgotten birthdays. ( I forgot the birthday of a very good friend's son a week ago.)  The good news was that because my friend called on a Saturday, we were able enjoy the rare gift of a leisurely chat.

In addition to a wonderful conversation, my friend shared this beautiful passage — which I immediately loved.  Each of the small kindnesses it mentions are ones that have impacted me.  The passage also captures the ripple effect of kindness.  I have the kindness of my friend's generous spirit to thank for the passage and the conversation, and for so much more.  I have no doubt that the many kindnesses this couple shares with others grow and multiply.

Kindness and Birthdays

"A gift, with a kind countenance, is a double present."
― Thomas Fuller

"To give someboday your time is the biggest gift you can give."
― Franka Potente

I love birthdays.  I enjoy the celebrations and the kindness of friends.  I appreciate the calls (even amid busy schedules), the thoughtful texts, gifts and cards, and the celebrations planned.  In the end, these mean so much because they reflect important friendships. 

In one incredibly thoughtful gesture, a lovely friend of mine brought me a plate of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies.  Just last week I had shared that they were my favorite food ― no doubt in part because they reminded me of weekends spent at my grandparents.  Well, this friend of mine ― a busy professional and mom ― not only shared two meals with me and gave me beautiful gifts, but in giving me the very meaningful gift of the cookies, she reminded me that she cared about the things that matter to me.   

Kindness on a Rainy Day

"Let a smile be your umbrella on a rainy day."
― Lawrence Welk

On a recent rainy day, I went to pick up one of my children from an after-school activity.  I parked the car and reached for my umbrella only to realize that I had left it outside the school the morning before.  So I picked up a cardboard folder and put it over my head as I ran to the building where I had to pick up my son.  While I waited, I mentioned to one of the school employees that I did not have an umbrella because I had left it outside the school the prior morning.  As I was getting ready to make a run for the car with my son, another mother came with her umbrella and walked us to our car.  Before I drove away, the school employee came to my car with the umbrella I was sure I would never see again.  And then she walked back to the building in the rain without an umbrella.

When I mentioned the return of my umbrella to a friend, she said:  "That is unheard of -- no one gets an umbrella back!"  That may be true, but kindness also seems to get returned, so I am hoping that the kind people I encountered on my rainy day have lots of kindness heading their way.

Found Money, Found Kindness

"Don't seek to be happy; let everyone else chase after that rainbow.
Seek to be kind, and you'll find the rainbow follows you."
― Richelle E. Goodrich

A woman I know was walking through a parking lot.  As she watched a man who was walking toward her, the woman thought that she saw something fall out of his pocket.  But when she looked, she did not immediately see anything and figured it must have been a leaf or something else that he moved as he walked.  A few seconds later, she noticed money on the ground and realized that it must have dropped from his pocket.  She picked up the money and went looking for the man among the rows of cars.  She found him inside his car, getting ready to drive off, and returned the money to him.

Saying No with Kindness

"What sunshine is to flowers, smiles are to humanity.  These are but trifles, to be sure; but scattered along life's pathway, the good they do is inconceivable."
― Joseph Addison

As long as I can remember, my mother has said, "You can always say no with a smile."  I was reminded of that saying recently.

A young woman I know heads up admissions at a private school in my community.  I can't imagine anyone better suited for the job -- she is very professional and very kind.  Even people whose children were not accepted at the school have nice things to say about her.

In addition to admissions, this young woman heads up an internal program at the school for which the students apply and are selected.  Recently, one of the moms at the school whose children had not been selected for the program wrote to this woman to ask her whether she should encourage her children to reapply.  This young woman wrote the mother an incredibly kind e-mail in which she said that her children would be terrific in the program and that she was sorry that she had not been able to select them, but she told the mother to tell her children that she looked forward to seeing their applications the following year.

When I see examples of individuals treating others with such kindness, it makes me wonder why we all can't do a little more of that.

Kindness Inspires Kindness

"I actually think that the most efficacious way of making a difference is to lead by example, and doing random acts of kindness is setting a very good example of how to behave in the world."
― Misha Collins

I have frequently written about studies that show that receiving kindness and even observing it actually generate more kindness, but I still feel compelled to share more examples when I find them.

A woman I know was traveling and had observed kindness on the airplane.  After she got off the plane, she stopped at an airport Starbucks to buy herself a drink and also bought a gift card.  She asked one of the cashiers to give it to one of the next people in line.  She figured it might put a smile on someone's face.

Kindness and Concentric Circles

"Never believe that a few caring people can't change the world.  For, indeed, that's all who ever have."
― Margaret Mead

I have a college friend who is truly one of my kindness muses.  He is an example of kindness, always has been.  And probably because of that, I don't know of a single person who has ever said a mean thing about him.  He works overseas, but that is not an obstacle to his maintaining close and meaningful friendships.

Recently, my friend shared what an incredible gift of kindness he had received -- a friend wrote to thank him for being a caring friend.  "Is there a greater gift than to be thanked simply for 'being there' in human kindness?  I'll take that over a store-bought thank you any day."

My friend shared that as part of an e-mail in which he observed that "kindness goes out in concentric circles." 

The Kindness of Finding a Stand In

"For there is no friend like a sister in calm or stormy weather; To cheer one on the tedious way, to fetch one if one astray, to life one if one totters down, to strengthen whilst one stands."
― Christina Rossetti

A young mother I know was eagerly looking forward to a rare night out with her husband to celebrate her birthday.  Her sister had graciously agreed to babysit the couple's two-year-old.  But the sister had not been feeling well and called the young mother to say that she could not babysit.  The birthday girl was momentarily disappointed, but then her sister shared that she had made arrangements with family friends to babysit the toddler.

The Kindness of Women Helping Women

"Since you get more joy out of giving joy to others, you should probably put a good deal of thought into the happiness that you  are able to give."
―Eleonor Roosevelt

On airplanes, I am used to seeing -- and occasionally benefitting from -- chivalrous men helping women stow their luggage in the overhead compartments.  In fact, I know a very elegant grande dame who has never lifted her suitcase above her head and instead waits for a willing gentleman to help her.  Her approach never fails. 

Recently, as I struggled with a heavier-than-usual bag, someone behind me asked me if I needed help.  I was surprised to find that it was a female passenger.  With a final effort, I managed to lift the suitcase and stow it, but I thanked her for her offer.  I then saw another female passenger, who was easily in her late 60s or early 70s stow the luggage of an older diminutive woman.  When we landed, the first woman once again helped the second woman by bringing down her bag. 

As I walked off the plane and through the airport terminal, I thought about how neat it was that women, even older women, were helping other women.  I thought about that old Helen Reddy song, "I am woman, hear me roar..."

The Kindness of Directions

"We can't help everyone, but everyone can help someone."
~ Ronald Reagan

In another city on business, I found myself asking for directions. First, I was looking for a suite number, but was not sure where it was. I asked a woman who said,  "I don't know, but I am sure we can find it together." And we did. Not too much later, I was walking on the street and stopped a woman to ask if she knew where a certain building was. She did not, and the two of us kept walking in the same direction. A few minutes later as we were waiting to cross a street, the woman asked a gentleman standing nearby where it was, and off I went.

The Kindness of Making Someone Feel at Home

“Love begins at home, and it is not how much we do… but how much love we put into that action.”

-- Mother Teresa

I have a very dear friend who is more like family than anything else.  We have known each other for more than three decades.  And although we live in different parts of the country, we are blessed to see each other a couple of times a year.

During a recent business trip, I stayed at her house.  I am always amazed at how her kindness quickly makes me feel at home.  Her gracious hospitality included picking me up at the train station, making me a delicious dinner and preparing a lovely room for me to stay in.  She is one of the most gracious hostesses and makes it all look so effortless that one can easily forget that hosting someone involves quite a lot.

Reaching Out with Kindness

"A tree is known by its fruit; Amanda by his deeds. A good deed is never lost; he who sows courtesy reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love."
~ Saint Basil

A friend of mine went out of town for the weekend. She knew that I was traveling for work. When she returned last night, she texted me, "I am back and ready to go... I am just a phone call away." There are many things that I appreciate about her, including her reaching out to me with kindness.

The Kindness of Favors Done Cheerfully

"There is no personal charm so great as the charm of a cheerful temperament."
~ Henry Van Dyke

"God loves a cheerful giver."
~ 2 Corinthians 9:7

It's an interesting dynamic that most of us would rather do a favor than ask for a favor.  But sometimes, we don't have a choice about asking for help -- as when working moms travel.

Being away can easily mean engaging several mom friends.  A recent trip called for pressing four moms into service.  I really appreciated that they helped to shuttle children back and forth. But most of all, I appreciate the cheerfulness with which they did it. On my way to the airport, I dropped off my youngest at the home of a friend who had just shipped her oldest off to college.  As I was leaving, I thanked her again. "So happy to do it," she replied.  It occurred to me that I am very blessed to have friends who are such cheerful givers of kindness.

Kindness and Smiles

"A kind heart is a fountain of gladness, making everything in its vicinity freshen into smiles."
― Washington Irving

As I was driving a couple of days ago, I approached an intersection.  There was construction on one side of the road, which made it difficult for pedestrians to cross the street.  I saw a construction worker walk two women who were carrying awkward packages across the street.  When the construction worker saw me looking at him, he smiled.  I smiled and waved, and he waved back.

I noticed that I was still smiling as I drove away and I remembered a study I read a while back that found that even observing an act of kindness boosts your mood.  It certainly did mine.

The Kindness of a Hero in a Black Suburban

"You don't need superpowers to be someone's hero."
― Ricky Maye

It was a dark and stormy night...  Actually it was.  My daughter and I had stopped in at our neighborhood grocery store to buy a few items and gone outside to find that it was pouring rain and our car parked far away.  We waited for the rain to stop, but it didn't.  We usually run into people we know, but no luck.  Until -- we saw our local hero and his wife park in the undercover garage next to the supermarket.  They asked us what we were doing and when we told them that we were waiting for the rain to let up a bit, the husband immediately asked, "Where's your car?"  And he whisked us away in his very dry black Suburban to our car. 

I call this gentleman our local hero because he truly is.  After 9/11, he decided he wanted to do something for our country.  So now, he is a Navy Seabee chief and has done tours in Afghanistan and Iraq, as well as other countries.  He is a hero to many -- the people he has helped, the men he has led and certainly the family that supports him.  And on this dark and stormy night, he was a kindness hero to this mother and her daughter.

Kindness in the Laundry Room

"How far that little candle throws his beams!  So shines a good deed in a weary world."
― William Shakespeare

Where I live, we don't have individual washers and dryers, and instead rely on a communal laundry room.  That means that if you don't get your clothes out of the washer or the dryer before the next person wants to use the machine, you will find them in a heap on top of one of the machines.  When life gets busy, I occasionally forget that I have a load to pick up.

Recently, in the midst of a weekday scurry hurrying morning, I remembered that I had forgotten to pick up a load from the dryer the night before.  I ran to the laundry room, thinking about how quickly I could pull the clothes out of the dryer without dropping random items on the floor and race back to the morning routine.  What I found instead was my laundry folded in my basket with my husband's work shirts neatly spread out on top to minimize wrinkling.  I smiled and grabbed my laundry basket, and marveled at the many opportunities there are for kindness.

Heroic Acts of Kindness

"No one has greater love than this, to lay down one's life for one's friends."
― John 15:13

"The thing about a hero, is even when it doesn't look like there's a light at the end of the tunnel, he's going to keep digging, he's going to keep trying to do right and make up for what's gone before, just because that's who he is."
― Joss Whedon

Let us today remember heroic acts of kindness, and say a prayer for the brave women and men who made the ultimate sacrifice 13 years ago.

The Kindness of a Delivered Package

"Wait long enough, and people will surprise and impress you."
― Randy Pausch

A woman I know lives in an apartment building with a doorman.  When packages arrive for the residents, they are kept in a package room and the residents are alerted that they have something waiting.  But there is one particular doormen who delivers the packages early in the morning, so that the residents don't have to carry them upstairs.  He is especially attentive to the elderly residents for whom carrying a package is often more difficult.

Watching Kindness Arrive

"In every day, there are 1,440 minutes.  That means we have 1,440 daily opportunities to make a positive impact."
―Les Brown

Earlier today, I was riding in the car with a colleague from out of town.  We had just finished a presentation and were on our way to another meeting.  My colleague, who is a seasoned professional, was reviewing his messages on his phone when he came across one that made him stop and share.  "Aw," he said and then read me a message from another colleague wishing him well on the presentation he had just made.  The colleague who sent the message ― no surprise ― is a prince of a guy, naturally very thoughtful.  While it was not a surprise to hear that he had sent such a thoughtful message, it was still lovely to see the impact that his kindness had.

When Kindness Gets Lost

"I have never been lost, but I will admit to being confused for several weeks."
― Daniel Boone

Sometimes, kindness gets lost.  Misunderstandings happen and we are left with negative feelings.  But then someone takes the first step, and conversation leads to understanding and appreciation.  And we realize that attempts at kindness may have been thwarted, but that the kindness was attempted is important to recognize.  That fact itself can do a lot to get rid of negative feelings.  And we may even find the kindness that once was lost.

Kindness and Trust

"Trust is the glue of life.  It's the most essential ingredient in effective communication.  It's the foundational principle that holds all relationships."
― Stephen Covey

A junior high student I know ended up the sole student in a class with the guidance counselor because the two other students who were scheduled for the same class were not there.  I asked this student if it was strange as this was the first class with the counselor.  "No," she said, "I felt as though I were talking to someone I had known for a long time."  And she proceeded to share details about the conversation.  The counselor had obviously done a lot of listening and had also shared appropriate anecdotes about her own life.

It really does take a village to raise children and they need caring adults whom they can trust in their lives.  There is no doubt in my mind that this counselor must be a very kind person to have won the trust of a junior high girl.

Of Sports and Kindness

"Start where you are.  Use what you have.  Do what you can."
― Arthur Ashe

On the heels of the beginning of the school year comes the start of sports.  This morning, we had the first swim meet of the season.  There were several girls new to the sport and they approached the event, which is confusing even for veteran swimmers and parents, with visible trepidation. 

At the start of her first heat, one of the new team members jumped in before the race began.  Confused, another swimmer jumped in after her.  They both began swimming toward the other end of the pool.  The announcer called for the girls to get out of the pool, but they could not hear him.  As the girl who had jumped in first reached the other side of the pool, one of the older girls on the team waited at the end of the swim lane.  She signaled to the younger girl to stop and pulled her out of the water. 

I watched the interaction and found something amazing about such a tangible example of kindness -- the older girl literally extended her arms, grabbed the younger girl's hand and helped her out of the pool.  Then she patiently and gently explained what had happened and that they were going to be given the opportunity to redo the heat. 

I have seen this older girl demonstrate kindness many times, but there was something about today that truly touched my heart.  Last school year, this girl received the Most Valuable Player award in swim.  She is an amazing swimmer, but she shines for so much more than her incredible athletic ability.

The younger girl had a rough start in her new sport, but I imagine that she will remember the kindness of this older girl for a long time. 

Sweet Kindness

"But friendship is the breathing rose, with sweets in every fold."
― Oliver Wendell Holmes, Sr.

Most times, at the end of each day, I think about kindness and how I experienced it that day.  Today, kindness came in the form of sweets.

A friend of mine called me this afternoon.  "I have a surprise for you," she said.  It seems that someone at her job had received a gift that required being eaten fairly quickly  ― a tin of one of my favorite cookies, a Peruvian delicacy.  My friend does not care for them, so she volunteered to take them for her friend who does.

Later in the evening, a friend texted to see if I was at our regular Friday night pizza place.  She came by on her way out of town with giant jars of Nutella for my children.

The sweets are an incredible treat, especially for those of us with a sweet tooth.  But the real kindness is in the thoughtfulness that brought the sweets to us.

The Kindness of Being Easy to Work With

"I suppose leadership at one time meant muscles; but today it means getting along with people."
― Mahatma Gandhi

For the past few weeks, I have been working with someone in another city on an event.  We have never met and do not work for the same organization, but we are professional colleagues.  Our relationship consists of e-mails and telephone calls.  We work together in much the same way that we would if our offices were on the same hallway ― we discuss and exchange ideas, we review and edit each other's work.  Despite the distance, what has been so clear to me is the incredible kindness that she brings to her job and to our relationship.  She is professional, but much more than that ― she is friendly, gracious and generous.  Bottom line:  She is easy to work with― and it is a gift to have a colleague like that. 

The Kindness of Allowing for Annoyance

"Happiness is not a matter of intensity but of balance, order, rhythm and harmony."
―Thomas Merton

Sometimes, it seems indulgent to become upset over what folks are calling "first-world" problems ― a broken refrigerator, a minor fender bender, the drilling in your climate-controlled building ... that sort of thing. 

But recently, someone shared a perspective that I found interesting ― and kind.  While it is important to maintain perspective, we should not feel guilty about being annoyed (mildly, we hope) by problems that impact us and that interrupt our lives.  "There is great value in realizing that it's a first-world problem," she said, "But we don't need to feel guilty about it."

There is kindness in finding that balance between perspective and annoyance.

A Little Help, A Little Kindness

"I've seen and met angels wearing the disguise of ordinary people living ordinary lives."
― Tracy Chapman

Kindness comes in many forms.  Today it arrived quietly via text to remind me of an evening parent meeting:  "Just a friendly reminder we have a swim parent meeting..."  No surprise that it came from one of my dearest mom friends.

To borrow from the Beatles:  I get by with a little kindness from my friends.  It's actually quite a lot of kindness from my friends.

The Kindness of a Surprise

"Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing."
― Phyllis Diller

"While we teach our children all about life, our children teach us what life is all about."

― Angela Schwindt

A woman I know went on a rare outing ― dinner with several mom friends to celebrate a birthday.  Her children stayed behind with her husband.  As she walked in through her kitchen when she returned, she tried not to look at the towels used for the pool or the pizza boxes or the dishes...  These are the messy years, she told herself and went to sleep.

When she woke up the next morning, she went immediately to the kitchen to begin cleaning up.  There were so many dirty dishes that they did not all fit into the dishwasher, so she put in one load and stacked the others in the sink for the next one.  And she went back to her room to wait for the first load to be finished.

A while later, her children called her.  They had "a surprise."  They had put away all the dishes from the dishwasher and loaded the rest.  They had taken out the trash, and cleaned the counters and the stove.  And they had picked up the remains of "movie night" in the living room.  The woman actually got teary and hugged her children. 

(Those of us who delight in keeping tidy at least one small corner of our universe will understand.)

A little while later, it was time for lunch.  One of the children said, "What?  And mess up the kitchen that took so long to clean?"