The Kindness of Letting Others Know They Matter

“We're all people", he said simply. "It doesn't matter if you're two, thirty-two, or ninety-two. Everyone wants to be treated with respect. Everyone wants to feel like they matter in this world.”
―Megan McCafferty

At the end of a particularly long day, my nine-year-old asked, "How was your day?"  "I'm tired," I replied (even though I had decided, on Oprah's advice, not to use that phrase any more).  I can see why," he said very thoughtfully.  "Why do you say that? " I asked.  "Because you have been running around all day," he answered.

At the Oprah weekend -- yep, I can't let it go, I heard her talk about how important it is for each of us to know that we matter.  Hearing my son say that he understood why I was tired made me feel as though I mattered.  And that lifted my tired spirit.

The Kindness of Giving Time

"My favorite things in life don't cost any money.  It's really clear that the most precious resource we all have is time."
― Steve Jobs

Recently, I was having a meaningful conversation with someone in her office.  One of us noticed that more time than we anticipated had passed and there was someone  with an appointment waiting outside.  But that person, seeing that we were engaged in conversation, decided to wait and not interrupt.

We don't always have the luxury of time, so sometimes we need to interrupt and claim our time.  But every so often, if we can, it's nice to give others a little bit more time.

Not Keeping Track of Kindness

"It takes generosity to discover the whole through others.  If you realize you are only a violin, you can open yourself up to the world by playing your role in the concert."
― Jacques Yves Cousteau

My children recently received a very generous gift from the owner of a violin shop.  We had taken in a bow to be rehaired and when we arrived to pick it up, the shop owner could not immediately find it.  It was not a big deal as she had loaned us what was clearly a nicer bow in the meantime.  When we returned to pick up the bow, she gave us the rehaired bow and also insisted on giving new bows to my children.  At first, I told her that we could not accept them, but she insisted and said that she wanted to.

As we were leaving, I remembered being in the store a while back when someone had brought her flowers to thank her for being so kind.  After the person left, the shop owner told me that she did not remember what she had done to deserve the flowers.  I think some people are like that ― they just don't keep track of their kind acts.

The Kindness of Sharing in the Joy

"Love is a force more formidable than any other.  It is invisible ― it cannot be seen or measured, yet it is powerful enough to transform in a moment, and offer you more joy than any material possession could."
― Barbara de Angelis

Lately, I have had the opportunity ― blessing, really ― of hearing people talk about others' joyful experiences with great enthusiasm and love. 

The most recent was a conversation with a college friend who shared that her sister, who is in her 50s, just got married for the first time.  My friend sent me photographs from the wedding, which was intimate and elegant, and worthy of a Vanity Fair or Town and Country spread.  But the best part was listening to my friend's joy for her sister.  She was thrilled that her sister was so happy, and my friend's delight was palpable over the telephone.  It takes love and an open heart to share in someone else's joy.  And it is a beautiful thing.

Kindness at Pumpkin Fest

"Lead the life that will make you kindly and friendly to everyone about you, and you will be surprised what a happy life you will lead."
―  Charles M. Schwab

Dressed in all their orange finery, two women went to their favorite gourmet supermarket for a Pumpkin Fest ― a pumpkin tasting experience.  To their disappointment, there were only two stations with pumpkin items ― one employee making pumpkin pancakes and another serving pieces of pumpkin pie.  Then along came the store manager to see how the pumpkin tasting was going.  The women told him that there should be more pumpkin items to sample ― like pumpkin salsa, so he told one of his employees to open the pumpkin salsa and bring chips to go with it.  Then one of the women told him that she really wanted to taste the pumpkin whoopie pies.  "Go get the whoopie pies," he told the woman, who grabbed the box of pumpkin whoopie pies and held them triumphantly above her head as she called out to her other friend.  The store manager was patient, friendly and kind ―  even as the two pumpkin enthusiasts wreaked mild havoc in his store.  But the two women suspected that he might have taken the next day off to recover from their visit.

Oprah and the Kindness of Our Villages

"Surround yourself with only people who are going to lift you higher."
― Oprah Winfrey

And the afterglow of the Oprah weekend continues...

This morning, my 9-year-old son said, "Mama, you know what's so cool?  Everyone supporting you to go to Oprah."

Of course, he is right.  Thanks to the kindness of my village, I was able to attend Oprah's The Life You Want Weekend.  It all began with my friend Meg's generosity and kindness.  And then I relied on my village.  One friend of mine was picking up another mother's Oprah children and offered to pick up one of mine at another school.  She then took all of my children as well as another Oprah child for pizza and for an evening of baking.

And, of course, I was not the only woman who needed her village to help her get to Oprah.  One of my dearest friends had an Oprah child spending the night at her house, so that his mother could attend the weekend.  And I overheard women at the event on their phones checking up on how their children were doing.  It most definitely took the kindness of our villages to make Oprah happen for us.  And we are very grateful.

Kindness and Oprah - Day 2

"Once you make a decision, the universe conspires to make it happen."
― Ralph Waldo Emerson

As I wrote yesterday, I was treated to Oprah's The Life You Want Weekend thanks to my very dear friend Meg who won tickets to the event.  The event was amazing.  How could it not be with Oprah, Deepak Chopra, Elizabeth Gilbert, Iyanla Vanzant and Rob Bell?

But the more amazing story is this:  My friend Meg has been wanting to meet Oprah for years.  And she has put it out there in the universe.  She also has worked hard at doing things that would bring her closer to her dream, ranging from investing in relationships to investing in expensive tickets to the event.  And, of course, meeting Oprah is on Meg's vision board.

At one point during the event today, Oprah was walking among the people sitting on the floor, which included Meg.  A little higher up, I was sitting with one of Meg's family members and we watched as Oprah got within feet of Meg.  We were silently willing Oprah to talk to Meg.  The next thing we knew, Oprah grabs the hand of a woman sitting next to Meg and takes her up to the stage.  And we are thinking, no, no, no, it's supposed to be Meg.  When I see the woman's face on the Jumbotron, I realize that it is another friend of ours, Mari.  Through tears, Mari manages to tell Oprah that Meg is the one who should be up there because Meg wants to meet her so badly.  Next thing we know, Oprah calls Meg to the stage.  And there it is ― in front of us and on the huge Jumbotrons ― Meg, wearing her tiara, on stage with Oprah.  It was a beautiful moment. 

For the remainder of the event, people would point to Meg, want to be photographed with Meg and even asked if they could touch her.  Crazy, but all true.

In the madness and wonder of it all, two things struck me:  Meg's determination to make something happen and our friend Mari's kindness.  Several of us remarked that we weren't sure that we would have had the presence of mind to tell Oprah about our friend and to make it happen for someone else.

"It was supposed to happen for Meg," our friend Mari said after.  "I was just the connector."

Her kindness did strike a chord with not only our friends, but also with strangers.  Several people approached Mari to say what an amazing friend she was.

I am still having trouble believing how the whole thing happened.  Thankfully, this doubting Thomas has photos on her phone.  My favorite one is a close up of Meg with her big smile ― and tiara― on stage.  As she told me just yesterday, "Why do people have such trouble believing that the universe conspires to give them what they want?"  When you add generosity and kindness to determination, it seems anything is possible.

Kindness and Oprah!

Love is...  grace and kindness.
― Oprah Winfrey

Today's kindness was huge and arrived just after 7 a.m.  It tried to reach me via telephone and then via text.  A very dear friend of mine wanted to know if I had finally gotten tickets to see Oprah because she had won two free tickets and wanted to know if I wanted one.  I couldn't believe it.  Oprah was in town for her The Life You Want Weekend.  A die-hard Oprah fan, my friend had bought tickets early on, but also entered a ticket drawing and, to her great surprise, won!  I had wanted to go ― badly ― but had finally decided that it was not going to work.  I asked my friend all kinds of questions from whether she had really won the free tickets to whether they were transferable.  My friend said, "Why do people have such trouble believing that the universe conspires to give us what we want?"  I was thrilled beyond belief, but decided that I would not really believe it until I was in the arena where the event was being held.  When I arrived at my friend's house, I asked again about the tickets.  (Thankfully, she takes my doubting Thomas ways in stride.)  She asked me if I wanted to wear a tiara ― yes ― and off we went.  The evening was magical.  My friend's kindness continues...  We go back for a full day of Oprah tomorrow.

The Kindness in Sharing a Story

"The most important thing is to enjoy your life ― to be happy ― it's all that matters."
― Audrey Hepburn

I rarely take cabs in my own city, but I did recently and I came away grateful for the situation that had caused my having to pay for a ride.  The cab driver was a very interesting and wise gentleman.  Originally from Haiti, he has been in this country for 27 years.  He has a wife and four children, and seems very content with his life.  He began working as a welder, but suffered injuries to his eyes and burns on his arms.  Fifteen years ago, he started driving a taxi.  Working hard, he managed to buy a piece of property ― cash ― on which he has a tire shop.  At the shop, he has two employees as well as his brother.  He says that people have tried to buy the piece of property, but he says that none of what he has is for sale.  "It's for my family," he said.  "What am I going to do with that money?  Money makes some people go crazy."  He talked about how he believes in living a simple life, and that he and his family have what they need.  He says that his children have asked him why he doesn't move to a bigger house, but he says he doesn't need more.  When I got out of the cab, I thanked him and told him how glad I was to have talked with him.  His story was a great reminder of the important things in life and how simple it can be to live a life that makes sense.

Kindness Overhead

"As you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands, one for helping yourself, the other for helping others."
― Audrey Hepburn

On a business recent trip, I overhead or observed various instances of kindness:

§  In line at the security checkpoint, two women were talking.  One shared with the other that her daughter had had a kidney transplant nearly a year ago.  When the other woman asked how the daughter was doing, the first woman said that she was doing very well and then told her that the donor had been the daughter-in-law.

§  As passengers were boarding one of my flights, the flight attendant told a woman boarding the plane that she looked familiar.  The woman said that she was a flight attendant, too.  When the working flight attendant asked her if she wanted something to drink, the passenger flight attendant said that she would wait until they began the regular service.

§  Walking through the airport terminal, I saw one of the airport employees run ahead to hold a door for an employee who was pushing a wheel chair.

And when I finally stepped off the plane feeling very happy to be back home, the television monitors were flashing a story about kindness.

The Kindness of Letting People Be Who They Are

"The greatest gift that you can give to others is the gift of unconditional love and acceptance."
~ Bryan Tracy

At a recent business gathering, I heard someone talk about the importance of letting people be who they are.  Although the remarks were related to developing business relationships, it occurred to me that there is great kindness in creating the space for people to feel that they can be who they truly are.

The Kindness of Surprise Company

"One of America's strengths has always been its openness to the new: both new ideas and new people."
~ Cesar Pelli

A recent business trip took me to a new city.  Shortly after arriving, I decided to brave the cold and rainy weather to make my way to a large evening reception that I had not planned to attend.  It was a large event with several hundred people and I wondered if I would know anyone.  When I arrived, I was asked to check my umbrella. As I was doing that, a gentleman saw my name tag and introduced himself. It turns out that we were going to speak on the same panel the next day.  We went through the buffet line together and found spots at a half-empty table.  A little while later, another gentleman joined us.  The three of us had a wonderful conversation and knew people in common.  Although I never did see anyone I knew, my fellow panelist's kindness paved the way for an enjoyable evening.

The Kindness of Lightening the Load

"We all have burdens and we need to learn to carry each other's burdens, lighten each other's load."
― Ann Romney

I have written about this before, but tales of kindness bear repeating -- especially when they are new.  I recently hosted a family event, the day after a late-night outing with one child and the day before leaving on a business trip.  To say that I was tired before the festivities began is an understatement.  But when you need help, there it is -- in the kindness of friends who come early and stay late, who help pick up... who lighten the load.  While I would never say that hosting an event is a burden (I truly see it as a privilege), sometimes it seems to be a little more work than we can easily manage.  As often as my friends help me to breeze through, I am always amazed and eternally grateful.

Kindness Among Siblings

"If you want to do really important things in life and big things in life, you can't do anything by yourself.  And your best teams are your friends and your siblings."
― Deepak Chopra

I ran into a good friend recently and she recounted this beautiful example of kindness by one of her children.  She had given each of her children $20 to spend at the school book fair.  Her 12-year-old daughter had spent the money, but still had things she wanted to buy.  Her 8-year-old brother gave her his $20.  When the mother asked him why he did it, he said that it was the "Christ-like" thing to do.  Out of the mouth of babes.

The Staying Power of Little Kindnesses

"How beautiful a day can be when kindness touches it!"
― George Elliston

One of my friends recently shared a story about a small kindness.  As she was walking through a shopping arcade during her lunch hour, she saw a delivery man with a handful of packages trying to get into a store.  She opened the shop door for him, he said thank you and she continued on.  A quick exchange, but a little kindness that brightened her day and certainly the other person's.  In hearing her share her encounter, another friend and I also enjoyed the kindness, and we remarked how even the smallest act of kindness lifts our spirits.

The Kindness of Reassuring Words

"Kind words do not cost much.  Yet they accomplish much."
― Blaise Pascal

The other day, I was rushing to pick up one of my children from an after-school activity, but unusually heavy traffic made me late.  I called the woman who runs the after-school program to ask her what would happen to my son if I did not make it on time.  "Don't worry," she said, "I'll take him to the office."  And she added, "Don't stress."  Her kind response lifted a weight off my shoulders.  When I arrived at the school, she had not taken my son to the office yet and explained that she was still picking up.  It amazes me how a little kindness can make another person feel so much better.

The Kindness of a Pink Elephant

"It is no small thing, when they, who are so fresh from God, love us."
― Charles Dickens

Today, kindness arrived in a three-inch bundle of pink rubber bands. 

My grandmother, whom I adored, loved elephants.  So I love them, too.  One of my children has become a master Rainbow Loom creature creator.  (In case you are not familiar with Rainbow Looms, they are quite a craze among a certain age group -- basically, you create bracelets and all kinds of things with small colorful rubber bands.)  As a surprise, my Rainbow Loom master made me a small pink elephant.  I was touched by the thoughtfulness of her kindness.  She knows why I love elephants and that makes the gift extra special.

The Kindness of Resolving Problems ― Quickly and with a Smile

"When you show deep empathy toward others, their defensive energy goes down, and positive energy replaces it.  That's when you can get more creative in solving problems."
― Steven Covey

A woman I know had the unpleasant experience of having fraudulent charges on her bank card.  As she realized it after hours, she called the bank's 800 number and spent about an hour talking to three different bank representatives, who made the resolution of the problem seem incredibly complicated.  One of the things that was suggested was that this woman go to her local branch the next day and ask the branch manager to expedite the delivery of a new card.  The next morning, she went to the branch and asked one of the tellers if she should see the manager.  The teller was very nice and said that she could take care of the matter herself.  She not only gave the woman a temporary bank card, but approved the overnight delivery of her permanent card ― all with a smile and in 11 minutes!

The Kindness of Leadership

"If your actions inspire others to dream more, learn more, do more and become more, you are a leader."
― John Quincy Adams

I have a very special mom friend who knows how to lead a charge.  She makes things happen.  She has organized a language pre-school, planned trips and put together many happy moments for her children and for those of us who benefit from her initiative.  Recently, she was concerned about a community issue and wanted to put together a group of folks to address it.  "This is important," she said.  When she says that, I know it's time to act and I am grateful for the kindness of her leadership.

Kindness Remembered

"A kindness given is a kindness received... who knows where the ripples stop."
― Tom Hackett

Today is one of my children's birthday.  Those milestones always make me stop and reflect -- and remember.  Among the things that I think about and am grateful for is the kindness of all the people who helped along those journeys -- the doctors, the nurses, the office personnel...  Waiting for a baby is a very special life journey.  And although it happens every day, those of us going through it have our moments of anxiety and fear, and the kindness extended to us is very appreciated.

The Kindness of Being the Ultimate Friend

"There is nothing I would not do for those who are really my friends.  I have no notion of loving people by halves, it is not my nature."
― Jane Austen, Northanger Abbey

A very dear friend of mine recently spent the weekend caring for another friend's children.  My friend has children of her own, but her friend needed to go out of town on an important family matter and so my friend stepped in, the way she typically does and did what had to be done.  She juggled her children's weekend activities with the responsibility of watching additional children and made sure everyone not only was taken care of, but also had a good time.  This included having her husband watch the friend's children while she hosted a small party for one of own children and a dozen friends, and then rushing at midnight to the friend's house to spend the night with the other children.  My friend did all this with her characteristic good humor and boundless energy.

The Kindness of Sharing a Sandwich

"In the sweetness of friendship let there be laughter, and sharing of pleasures.  For in the dew of little things the heart finds its morning and is refreshed."
― Khalil Gibran

A mother I know recently attended a mother-daughter lunch at her daughter's school.  The menu consisted of pizza, which this mother usually can't eat as it triggers migraines for her.  As she sat at the table wondering what she would have for lunch, another mother graciously offered to share half of the sandwich she had brought for herself.  The mothers shared the sandwich -- and the kindness.

Kindness in the Village

"At the end of the day, the most overwhelming key to a child's success is the positive involvement of parents."
― Jane D. Hull

Raising children most definitely takes a village -- especially in this digital age.  Recently, a mom friend reached out to two other moms in the it-takes-a-village spirit.  In one case, she shared with another mom that her daughter was using profanity, to which the other mother replied, "Yeah, I know she has a potty mouth."  Despite this response, my mom friend texted another mother to share some information that she had read about the other mother's daughter while reviewing her daughter's texts.  The other mother was very appreciative.  It is difficult to know when to take the chance and share information with other parents about their children.  It is rarely easy to do, but it's a kindness that can help us to be more informed parents.

Kindness and Manicures

"I believe in manicures.  I believe in overdressing.  I believe in primping at leisure and wearing lipstick.  I believe in pink.  I believe happy girls are the prettiest girls.  I believe that tomorrow is another day, and... I believe in miracles."
― Audrey Hepburn

A professional woman I know, an attorney, had managed to make a coveted evening manicure appointment.  While she was at the salon, another professional woman, a doctor, came in and they began talking.  They spoke about children, careers and current affairs.  As both were paying, the doctor was trying to schedule another evening appointment before a trip out of the country, but she could not find anything.  She wanted one for the day before her trip.  As luck would have it, the attorney had the appointment and told the doctor she could have it.

Strong Girl, Kind Girl

"Courage, sacrifice, determination, commitment, toughness, heart, talent, guts.  That's what little girls are made of."
― Bethany Hamilton

At a recent school swim meet, I overhead a junior high girl complain that she could not do the event in which the coach had placed her.  This girl was very agitated and I watched as she told the coach that she could just not do it.  Another girl on the team, a very strong swimmer whom I know, asked her what was wrong.  When the girl told her, the more experienced swimmer assured her that she could do it and reviewed with her the strokes that were involved as well as the rules for turning.  Both girls were swimming in the same event.  The more experienced swimmer missed finishing first by seconds and placed second to a girl from another school.  (She went on to finish first in another event.)  At the end of the race, she called out to the other girl ― the one who had said that she could not do it ― and said something that sounded like "good job."   

I was so touched by this teenage girl's kindness.  She is an incredibly talented and strong swimmer who seems to glide through the water with the greatest of ease.  And as wonderful as it is to watch her swim, it is pretty amazing to observe her acts of kindness.   After the meet, I asked her what she had said to her teammate.  "'Good job,'" she said, "But I didn't think anyone heard me."  And that is who this girl is ― kind and quiet about it, gracious and generous.  It is truly a lovely thing to see and it touches my heart every time. 

Surprising Kindness at the Doctor's Office

"Helping people and putting smiles on their faces is a great, great thing.  God only knows why more people don't do it more often."
― Wayne Gerard Trotman

A relative of mine had been seeing a hand surgeon for a tendon problem.  Lately, her hand had been bothering her.  Concerned, my relative wanted to see the doctor and knew that he only had office hours on Monday.  She decided to go to his office first thing and ask whether the doctor might squeeze her in.  When she arrived, the waiting room was already filled with patients.  She explained the situation to the woman at the front desk and waited while they tried to see if they could help her.  Observing this, a woman in the waiting room who also was waiting for the doctor told my relative that she could have her appointment.  Very surprised, my relative thanked her.  As it turned out, they were able to squeeze in my relative, so she did not have to take the generous woman up on her offer.

The Kindness of Cheering Each Other On

"Love is cheering and sharing and compassion and giving and receiving.  Love is an action thing more than a word thing, that brings comfort or joy or relief to anyone or anything."
― Ziggy Marley

We all know people who don't make us feel better.  After seeing them, we somehow don't feel as good as we might.  It can be a small barb or a negative comment, but whatever it is, it's not fun.  Thankfully, there are others...

I was thinking about this after receiving an e-mail from a good friend today in which she praised my making progress on some personal projects.  "How great that you are crossing things off your to do list," she wrote.  I had not even noticed my forward movement, but a shared photo and a couple of e-mails had given her enough information to connect the dots for me.  Earlier today in fact, I had been telling my husband that this particular friend always manages to find the good or the best in what I am doing and remind me of it.  Although it might not make the headlines, there is great kindness in shining a light on others' accomplishments.  In doing so, we not only make them feel good, but also help them continue to move forward.

The Kindness of Expressing Affection

"Affection is responsible for nine-tenths of whatever solid and durable happiness there is in our lives."
― C.S. Lewis

One of my dearest friends was in New York for the weekend.  He sent me a photo of one of my favorite stores with the simple caption, "Thinking of you."  And, of course, that little kindness made me smile.  Just thinking about him makes me smile because there is so much kindness that I associate with him.  Sending me photos and thoughtful (or hilarious) texts is one of the many things that he regularly does.  But so often, if not most of the time, we think about people who are important to us...  and yet, they don't know it.  There is kindness in expressing our affection for the important people in our lives.

The Kindness of Lentil Soup

"Only the pure in heart can make a good soup."
― Ludwig van Beethoven

There are days that challenge me ― that make me wonder how I will make it to the finish line.  On a recent day like that, I was delighted to find lentil soup waiting for me after the race.  One of my dearest mom friends made lentil soup and gave me a container with a very generous portion.  When I finally made it home way past dinner time, I served myself some of her delicious soup.  Hearty soup is a typical comfort food, but when you add kindness to the mix, it is even more satisfying.  I ate my soup in gratitude for the many kindnesses of my friend.  And thought of her again as I ate it for lunch the next day.

 

Small Kindnesses, Big Smiles

"A kind heart is a fountain of gladness, making everything in its vicinity freshen into smiles."
― Washington Irving

Today's kindness came via text ― as do so many in this amazing age of technology.  My son switched schools this year and one of his teachers from a couple of years ago at his former school wrote to say that she missed us and to ask how he was doing.  It immediately put a smile on my face and brightened my day.  I told my son that she had asked about him.  He smiled and said, "That's nice."

Kindnesses don't have to be huge to put big smiles on our faces ―  and to touch our hearts.

Parking Lot Kindness

"We all want to help one another. Human beings are like that.  We want to live by each other's happiness, not by each other's misery."
― Charlie Chaplin

A mom I know was running late to an after-school doctor's appointment with her children, but when she arrived at the office building, she found the parking lot under construction and a valet service in place.  Concerned about the laptop computers in her children's backpacks, she asked the parking attendant if there was any self parking.  He said that there was, but it was all full.  She thanked him and began backing up to exit the parking lot and see where else she could find parking.  The valet parker ran up to her car and said that he would pull out another car from a parking space, so that she could park.  He emptied the space, but because of how other cars were parked, the mom  had trouble getting into the parking space.  The attendant parked the car for her.