The Kindness of the Social Coordinator

"I cannot even imagine where I would be today were it not for that handful of friends who have given me a heart full of joy.  Let's face it, friends make life a lot more fun."
― Charles R. Swindoll
 

A former colleague and very good friend of mine has taken on the role of Social Coordinator for a group of us.  It surprises us, but then it shouldn't.  A couple of decades ago, we were newly minted attorneys, nearly all unmarried and without children, just trying to survive at high-powered, very demanding law firms.  Once survival for the day was seemingly assured, our attention turned to lunch and then happy hour -- ideally at a place that served free food with our drinks.  Probably the friendliest of the bunch, this guy would organize our lunches and after-work activities, which did not require much coordination beyond at what time we should meet in the lobby of the building where we all worked.  Even back then, he did take us to places we probably wouldn't have gone otherwise, including seedy pubs and off-beat places to play pool.

Fast forward a couple of decades:  Job and career changes, marriages, divorces and children.  Coordinating lunch among us is more complicated as it requires crossing county lines and extricating ourselves from crazy busy lives.  But this guy manages to get us together.  At our most recent lunch last week, four of us laughed and had a wonderful time -- even as we shared the parts of our lives that were not going as planned.  There was great fun in just seeing each other and laughing together.  We have the kindness of our Social Coordinator to thank for that.

Kindness in 2nd Grade

"There is no charm equal to tenderness of heart."
―Jane Austen

A little boy I know wanted his mother to be at his school's book fair when his class went to visit it.  The mother had taken him to the fair during an evening family event, yet he was hoping that she would be there when his class went to the book fair again the next day.  His mother very much wanted to go and had planned to be there.  But a nail in one of her car's tires intervened and she was not able to go.  Although disappointed, the boy enjoyed visiting the book fair with his class.  And he even found it in his heart to share the money that his mother had given him with another little boy who had not taken money to buy books. 

 

"It felt good to be generous," the little boy told his mother when he came home from school.  His kindness toward the other boy made the mother feel better, too.  She realized that if he could find space in his heart for kindness despite his disappointment, then his was a happy heart.

The Kindness of Beginning

"The beginning is the most important part of the work."
― Plato

Recently, I have been involved in various conversations about beginning.  It can be so HARD to just begin --  a weight-loss program or a specific project or decluttering...  I have a college friend who has a very hard time with work self-evaluations, for example.

Things that we want or need to begin -- but don't -- loom large in our minds.  They take up mental space; they use up our energy.  Sometimes, the most kind thing that we can do for ourselves, and generally for others, is to begin.

But how to begin?  When I don't want to do something, one of the most effective strategies for me is to schedule a half an hour to start doing it.  Surprisingly, there are some things that we have spent hours thinking about that can be completed in half an hour.  Others take longer, but just beginning is progress.  Beginning a weight loss program, for example, can be so daunting, but we can always try it for a day.  And usually, nothing is as hard as we have made it out to be.

Many times, beginning can be deciding to take care of ourselves, to be kind to ourselves.  And usually by beginning whatever it is we want to do, we are also kind to those around us. 

Kindness on the Way to Halloween

"Somewhere near you, somebody right now is trying to help the indigent and poor - providing food, shelter, clothing or simple kindness."
― Tony Snow

A friend of mine and her family drove to another part of town this weekend in search of a Halloween costume for one of their children.  On the ride back, they drove through a fast-food place to feed their troops.  After they drove away, the husband discovered an extra sandwich in their bag.  "I guess they knew you were extra hungry," the wife said.  A few minutes later, they saw a homeless man asking for help at an intersection and they gave him the extra sandwich.  The wife gave him her fries, too.  "It was meant for the homeless guy," my friend said, "It feels so good to do something nice for someone you don't even know."  Just a little kindness on the way to Halloween.

A Small Moment of Kindness Between Mothers

"The natural state of motherhood is unselfishness.  When you become a mother, you are no longer the center of your own universe.  You relinquish that position to your children."
―Jessica Lange

The other day at a school Mass (yes, I seem to be at quite a few of those), a mother walked in with a beautiful blonde-haired little girl.  The mother's fifth child, the toddler wore a lovely dress and a bow in her hair; she looked like something out of a magazine photo.  The mother's hair was still damp from a recent shower and her blouse was not zippered all the way up in the back.  She still looked fine -- she was clearly clean, after all, and she looked happy, serene even.  A woman sitting behind the mother gently tapped her on the shoulder and with a kind smile, finished zipping up the mother's blouse.  The women, mothers both, exchanged looks of understanding -- a small kindness, a shared moment of connection between mothers.

The Kindness of a Loving Grandmother

"I know what it is like to be brought up with unconditional love.  In my life that came from my grandmother."
―André Leon Talley

The other day at a Mass for my children's school, I saw the grandmother of one of the students.  A beautiful woman with a calming presence, this grandmother is a familiar face at school activities.  She is always there for her granddaughter.  Whenever I see this woman, I always think how blessed her granddaughter is.  In fact, she reminds me of my own grandmother, whom all of my friends knew and loved.  There is something reassuring about grandmothers.  They make the world a gentler, safer place.

When I walked out of the church, it was raining.  I stood next to the doors, hoping that the rain would stop, so that I could go to my car.  Holding an open umbrella, this grandmother offered to walk me to my car -- even though her car was in the opposite direction.  I declined at first, but she insisted.  I was glad to have accepted her kind offer.  As I walked close to her under the umbrella, I was transported back in time to moments with my own grandmother and I remembered so well the feelings of unconditional love, warmth and security.  We ended up having a lovely chat about grandmothers and granddaughters, and the things that matter most in life.  It was nice to once again enjoy the kindness of a grandmother -- even if she was someone else's.

The Kindness of a Steadfast Friend

"Above our life we love a steadfast friend."
― Christopher Marlowe

Steadfast is the word that comes to mind when I think about one of my best friends.  She is unwavering and faithful in her friendship and in her many kindnesses.

As good friends for several decades, we have weathered all kinds of storms together and laughed our way through joyful and not-so-joyful moments.  One of her best qualities as a friend is that she shows up -- no big entrances, no requirements for attention, no drama.  She is one of those people who truly is always there for her friends.  Although she travels frequently, there is never a time when she has not been a telephone call or text away.  She has called me from China, Brazil and parts in between.

Earlier this week, on the day when both my husband and my mother were in car accidents, my very good friend was out of the country traveling on business.  I texted her what was happening.  Late that night, just after arriving from an overseas flight, she texted me to ask if I wanted to talk. 

Her gentle and constant presence is a source of tremendous support, and a kindness I feel blessed to enjoy.

Unexpected Kindness on the Telephone

"Unexpected kindness is the most powerful, least costly, and most underrated agent of human change.  Kindness that catches us by surprise brings out the best in our natures."
― Bob Kerrey

It always surprises me when kindness comes unexpectedly through the telephone.  I still remember being in that post-partum Twilight Zone daze after one of my children was born when a friend from elementary school called.  We don't talk all that often, but she called right when I needed a friend, some baby advice and a dose of sanity.  That happened more than 10 years ago and I still remember her kindness.

Today a dear friend from college called.  I had been thinking about her as we had just texted back and forth, which we tend to do from time to time and certainly much more than we talk on the phone.  I was so glad when I saw an incoming call from her.  Just the sound of her voice makes me happy.  We chatted for a while and caught up, and it was great.  I told her that I had really needed to talk with her today.  Hearing her voice made a difference in my day.  I felt as though I had received a gift, which her call truly was.

Sometimes kindness arrives in the form of an unexpected, but very welcomed call.

Extraordinary Kindness ― When You Need It the Most

"When a friend is in trouble, don't annoy him by asking if there is anything you can do.  Think up something appropriate and do it."
― E.W. Howe

There are days... and there are days.  Yesterday, by most people's estimation, would qualify as "one of those days."

While I was at an event at my children's school yesterday morning, I checked my phone to find a text from my husband saying that he had been in a car accident.  Despite his "all ok" text, I was worried.  I spoke to him briefly and he explained that it was a three-car accident on the highway, the airbags deployed and his windshield was shattered.  I told a very nice woman who was sitting at my table.  She calmed me down and then, without my knowing, told one of my closest friends who works nearby.  Within minutes, my girlfriend was there and said that she would drive me to where my husband was because she knew that I was too nervous to drive.  (It's great when your friends know you so well.  This was not the first time that this particular friend had driven me during a difficult time.)

It is incredible the to-do list that immediately develops after a car accident -- dealing with the police, calling the insurance company, getting the car towed, emptying your car of your belongings, getting a ride to work...  By the time I spoke to him, my husband had already called someone to pick him up and gather his belongings.  He had to get to work quickly, so he thought about calling a friend of ours who lives out of state, but has a second car in town that my husband has used in the past.  I told him to do that right away, so that he could get to where he needed to go.

As my girlfriend drove me to find my husband, I received a call from the friend who was lending my husband his car.  He told me that he had spoken with my husband and that he was fine.  He emphasized that my husband was coherent and told me not to worry.  He said that my husband could borrow his car as long as he needed to and that he would actually be doing him a favor by driving it and putting it to good use.  He shared that he had been in a similar accident a while back and that in six months, this would just be something that happened.  He also said that he and his wife were praying for us.  The call was one of the most thoughtful calls I have ever received and seemed completely heaven-sent.  Through tears, I asked this friend how he had thought to call me.  He said he thought it would be what would help his wife if he were in an accident.

It was a huge relief to see for myself that my husband was fine.  My girlfriend drove me back to my children's school where I attended events for them. 

Later that afternoon, as I was driving one of my children to an appointment, my mother called to tell me that she had been in a car accident.  She said that she was fine, but thought that she might have broken a finger.  I asked a friend of mine who was taking care of one of my children if she could keep her a little longer.  No problem was the reply.  I drove to the crash site and helped my mother empty her car, so that it could be towed and then waited while the police officers finished the paperwork.  She turned out to have a fracture in her hand.

All I wanted to do yesterday was to go home, crawl into bed and not come out -- for a while.  But as I reflected on the day, despite its strangeness and scariness, I counted my blessings.  The obvious ones were that my husband and my mother were fine.  But I also counted among my blessings the extraordinary kindness of my friends.  Through the day's scary moments, I felt supported every step of the way.  I was surrounded by incredibly kind people:  the woman who found my girlfriend, that girlfriend who drove me to see my husband, the friend who called to reassure me that my husband was fine before I saw him, my friend who helps me regularly with my children...  Life happens, but I was completely overwhelmed by the kindness of these people who figured out what would help and just did it.

Our dear friend whose car my husband is now driving sent me an e-mail yesterday in which he shared that a spiritual director had once told him two things that made a very big impression on him:  "Put people I know who are in trouble in the Lord's hands, and Guardian Angels are powerful allies. Maybe those two things came together today. I think they did."

A Small Kindness Can Lift the Spirit

"Everyone responds to kindness."
― Richard Gere

In the grocery store check-out line yesterday, there was a woman with a young boy, just past the toddler years, but still young enough to be impatient.  A woman I know saw her and traded places in the check-out line with her, so that the mother could go first and be on her way.  The mother seemed surprised and then very appreciative.  It was a small kindness, but just the kind to lift the spirit.

The Kindness of Forgiveness

"As we know, forgiveness of oneself is the hardest of all the forgivenesses."
― Joan Baez

Forgiveness can be hard and frequently complicated.  And some types of forgiveness are more difficult than others.

Forgiving people who have hurt me is something I have learned to do.  Sometimes, it is hard, but letting go of that negative emotion is freeing.  I find it harder to forgive people -- particularly adults -- who have done something to my children.  And the "done something" is not anything truly awful -- it's more about adults who have not been kind, teachers who did not handle a situation the way I would have hoped... those kinds of things.  I wish it were easier, but any perceived offense against my children is difficult to forgive.

However, the hardest person for me to forgive is myself.  Recently, I said something that I shouldn't have to someone.  I was functioning on very little sleep, and exhausted both physically and emotionally.  It surprised me and probably the other person as I try mightily not to say things I will regret.  But I did.  And I apologized -- twice. 

As I thought about it, I asked myself what I would say to one of my good friends if she were in a similar situation.  I had no trouble with the answer.  I would tell her to apologize, and then to be kind to herself and move on.  Being kind to ourselves is not always easy.  And forgiving ourselves may be the ultimate in kindness.

The Kindness of Friendship Lives On

"We call that person who has lost his father, an orphan; and a widower that man who has lost his wife.  But that man who has known the immense unhappiness of losing a friend, by what name do we call him?  Here every language is silent and holds its peace in impotence."
― Joseph Roux 

At a wedding I attended this weekend, there was someone missing -- the mother of the bride's best friend.  She died seven years ago, unexpectedly and way too soon. 

 

As I observed the wedding preparations, I was in awe of how this special friend was lovingly remembered.  Although no one could take the place of this friend, the mother of the bride's other close friends stepped in to support her and help her.  There was strength is this solidarity of girlfriends, which also served as a tribute to their friend.  At one of the pre-wedding celebrations, the mother of the bride gave a piece of jewelry that had belonged to her friend to her daughter, the bride.  At the wedding, which was in a beautiful outdoor location by the water, photos of relatives who had passed were hung on string around the bark of a big tree.  In a prominent place was a photo of this friend, who had earned "aunt" status, with the bride.  The matron of honor, the bride's sister-in-law, talked about the inspiration of that special friendship during her toast.  And "You've Got A Friend" was played as it was a favorite song of the mother of the bride and her dear friend. 

 

Before the wedding and during it, there were many conversations about the importance of women's friendships, and the friendship between the mother of the bride and the woman who had passed was the example cited.  The many kindnesses that were part of that friendship live on and those memories inspire more kindness.

The Kindness of Serving

"The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others."
― Mahatma Gandhi

At a wedding recently, I met a lovely young woman and her three-year-old son.  The boy, who was all decked out in his wedding attire, was adorable and stayed very close to his mother.  She shared that his father is a Marine deployed in Afghanistan, and that sometimes her son cries for his Daddy and she feels badly that there is nothing she can do.  Her husband is due home late November or early December, so hopefully in time for Christmas.  "Who knew," she said, about the way life turns out.  I told her that I would pray for her husband and his safe return as well as for her and her son. 

 

There is certainly kindness in serving one's country.  But somehow kindness does not do this type of service justice, although it most definitely springs from a very kind -- and brave -- heart.

More on Kindness and Surprise

"The best way to do ourselves good is to be doing good to others; the best way to gather is to scatter."
―Thomas Brooks

In a recent post, I wondered why we are so surprised at kindness.  One of the Kindness Muses wrote to me and said:  " Like you, I don't know the answer of why people are surprised -- my own reaction is that it's unexpected and delightful to be surprised, and that I don't feel I'm worthy of it. "

When she said the part about not feeling "worthy" of the kindness, that resonated with me because frequently that is how I feel -- that I am getting more than I should expect, which is surprising.  My friend also shared a link to the transcript of a lecture by Dale Ahlquist, president of the American Chesterton Society, http://www.chesterton.org/discover-chesterton/chesterton-101/lecture-78/.  Ahlquist writes about a play by G.K. Chesterton, The Surprise, and says, "[W]e can increase the good we do for others by adding the element of surprise.  It is a way of giving more than what people expect."

And perhaps that is at the heart of our being surprised when someone is kind.  Not only do we not expect the kindness, but we also somehow think that it is more than we deserve.

Kindness Along the Parenting Journey

"A teacher affects eternity; he can never tell where his influence stops."
― Henry Adams

One of the most amazing journeys in life is that of parenthood.  It's not just about parenting your children, it's also about navigating and advocating on their behalf.  One of the areas most challenging to negotiate is that of schools and everything school-related, including teachers, administrators, other children and other parents.  Because no one and nothing matters to us as much as our children, the stakes always seem pretty high.

Having several children, I have dealt with a number of teachers and a few administrators.  It is interesting to me the differences in approach to parents.  I always greatly appreciate the school representatives who can extend kindness.  They tend to be the people who get the big picture. 

There are many instances of kindness that stand out for me in the school setting, but there is a very simple one that I will always remember.  It happened about five years ago when one of my children was in elementary school.  There was a visiting day in the classroom for parents, which was actually a two-hour time slot in the morning.  My husband was juggling a number of meetings and appointments, so he ran to one first thing in the morning and was trying desperately to get back to the school before the end of the visiting time.  He texted me to say that he was parking at the school at the same moment that the announcement was made over the public address system that the visiting hours were over.  I was so disappointed and knew he would be, too.  As I was leaving the classroom, I told the teacher that I felt badly that my husband had missed the visiting time by a few minutes.  Without hesitating, the teacher said to me, "Send him up!  He came to see his daughter.  Have him come and see her."  I was so surprised -- although I shouldn't have been given the kind of person this teacher is.  But it struck me that she understood what made sense.  And she opted for kindness.

The Kindness of Sharing a Piece of Our Hearts

"The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched ― they must be felt with the heart."
― Helen Keller

I have been thinking about how to convey a certain kindness that I have experienced recently in conversations with people -- sometimes, people whom I don't know well, but whose paths cross mine.  Conversations that have begun about rather unimportant things have ended with one or both of us sharing deeply personal things. 

Then this morning, I received a beautiful e-mail from someone about whom I have written.  She thanked me for "sharing a piece of [my] heart."  And I thought, that's it!  That is the kindness that I have been experiencing.  When someone shares a piece of her heart, that kindness touches our hearts and we connect with that person in a special way.  It's as if that person is stretching out her hand to take ours.  There is warmth and comfort in that connection, which both confirms our humanity and reminds us that we are not alone.  Sometimes, the sharing may put our situation in perspective by helping us to understand that we each are facing our own challenges.  Sometimes, the sharing can simply make us smile at the beauty that lies within all of us.  But always, the kindness of someone sharing a piece of her heart leaves us feeling a little better than we did before.

The Kindness of Example

"It is not so much the example of others we imitate as the reflection of ourselves in their eyes and the echo of ourselves in their words."
― Eric Hoffer
 

I ran into a woman I really like yesterday.  Although I don't know her very well, we have a special bond based on a volunteer job that we shared.  The mother of two boys, she gave birth to a beautiful baby girl nine months ago.  She was walking along some shops with the baby in her arms when we saw each other and stopped to chat.  She looked so happy and I remarked that she truly seemed to be enjoying her daughter.  "Yes!" she said as she looked at the baby whom she considered nothing less than a miracle.  (In fact, we used to call the baby "The Gift" because it seemed the perfect present after the rough time this woman encountered in the volunteer role.)  I spoke to the woman for a few minutes and when I left her, I found that I was happier than before.  There was something about how she was enjoying her life, the fleeting moments of motherhood, that both served as an example and touched my heart.

Seeing this woman yesterday reminded me of what I had learned from her -- grace and openness in the face of challenge.  Almost two years ago, she navigated a difficult volunteer responsibility with kindness and grace, and then when it was my turn to do the same job, she gave me gentle guidance and support.  I would frequently think of how she had managed this difficult role, and her example would inspire me to be just a bit better -- a little kinder -- than I was inclined to be.

Kindnesses Hidden in Our Hearts

"The human heart has hidden treasures, in secret kept, in silence sealed; the thoughts, the hopes, the dreams, the pleasures, whose charms were broken if revealed."
― Charlotte Bronte

There are kindnesses that take place every day that cannot be shared.  Some of them might embarrass the giver or the receiver.  Some of them might get someone in trouble.  Some of them are very big kindnesses that we shall never forget, and some are small, but useful in the moment.  Even if they cannot be talked about, these kindnesses are kept in special places in our hearts.

The Kindness of Celebrating Birthdays

"The more you praise and celebrate your life, the more there is in life to celebrate."
― Oprah Winfrey
 

Having recently enjoyed a birthday that has been celebrated for more than two weeks, I recognize that I am blessed with exceptional friends who somehow, very generously, go along with my family's penchant for celebrating and celebrating and celebrating birthdays.

As the celebrations passed the one-week mark, I said to a dear friend who was organizing the latest extravaganza that I felt badly about one more celebration ― especially as it was not even a milestone birthday.

"Oh, please!" she texted back.  "We love you.  It's your turn to receive!"

And receive I did as I found myself two days later on a Sunday morning with a group of girlfriends who had made all kinds of babysitting arrangements to spend a couple of hours at a lovely tea shop wearing hats, trying on British accents and sipping tea.

A couple of days ago, I had lunch with one of my move-a-body friends to celebrate my birthday -- yes, again.  When he mentioned going to an expensive steak house, I tried to e-mail him out of it.  I thought a pizza joint might be more appropriate.  But he insisted, and when I joined him at the restaurant booth, he said to me, "You know, I wanted to come here, too."  After each one of us devoured a delicious steak and a couple of other tasty dishes, the waiter came to inquire about desserts.  Neither one of us could eat a whole dessert, and as we debated between a chocolate option and the cheesecake the waiter suggested, my friend said, "You decide, it's your birthday."  Predictably, I opted for the chocolate.  A few minutes later, the waiter appeared with both desserts and a candle in one.  "I heard him say it was your birthday..."  Yep, even the waiter joined in on the extended (and extravagant) birthday celebrations.

I know some people prefer not to celebrate birthdays, and I try to respect their wishes.  As for me, I have enjoyed the tremendous kindness of each celebration and continue to count -- and deeply appreciate -- the blessings that are my friends.

Something Surprising About Kindness

"There is no surprise more magical that the surprise of being loved:  It is God's finger on man's shoulder."
― Charles Morgan
 

There seems to be something surprising about kindness.

The other day, I saw a woman at the grocery store look surprised when someone bent down to help her pick up grocery items she had dropped.  I have seen people be surprised that someone says hello, that someone holds the door for them...  I have been surprised by friends' thoughtfulness and generosity.

At the bank earlier this week, I complimented one of the tellers on her Pandora bracelet.  "A customer gave it to me," she said.  Wow, I said, nice gift.  She explained that the customer gave a bracelet with two charms to each of the tellers last Christmas.  Clearly still surprised more than nine months later, the teller said about the customer, "She doesn't even come in here all that often."  The teller went on to tell me -- twice -- that one of her colleagues had been eyeing the bracelet, and planning to buy it for herself, so she was thrilled with the gift.  A lovely gesture that not everyone can afford to do, but very kind if you can.  And surprising.

But whether kindness is extravagant or very simple, why does it surprise us so much?  I'm not sure, but I'm in favor of our continuing to look for opportunities to surprise each other with kindness.

The Kindness of the Check-In Call

"People have entire relationships via text message now, but I am not partial to texting.  I need context, nuance and the warmth and tone that can only come from a human voice."
― Danielle Steel

Calls just to say hello seem rare these days.  Maybe it's because our lives are crazy busy.  But most of my calls with friends seem to be for a reason -- coordinating children's pick-ups, asking a question, advice...  And many of these things are handled by text.  In fact, I find myself texting people to wish them a Happy Birthday.  Really?  If there is an occasion when it would be nice to pick up the phone, that would be it.  And yet, this morning I texted an old friend Happy Birthday instead of calling her.  I told myself that I would try to call her later, but... I didn't.

In Sunday's New York Times Magazine, the last-page Essay was about the author's not liking to answer her cell phone when people call her.  She writes that she avoids incoming calls because they feel like "a potential demand on [her] time and attention."  Not surprisingly, the author, like so many of us, prefers to text. 

And yet, yesterday I received a call from a dear friend, who is one of my favorite people.  "I hadn't talked to you in a few days," she said.  "It felt weird."  This is one of those people whose name I am always happy to see on my cell phone's little screen.  I don't know what it is about her, but then again, maybe I do.  She has a lovely easy way about her.  Despite a very rough year, she is a very happy person.  Her perpetual smile and thoughtfulness don't hurt either.  I was truly happy that she had called just to say hello.

Years ago, one of the telephone companies had a slogan:  Reach out and touch someone.  Funny how we don't extend that kindness more often.  But I am certainly grateful when one of my favorite people does.

The Kindness of a Home-Cooked Meal

"It is well to give when asked, but it is better to give unasked, through understanding."
― Kahlil Gibran

Sometimes friends know just what you need...

I am not a fan of fast food, but on some days,  as I shuttle children back and forth, it seems our only alternative.  But earlier this week, a friend told me that we would have dinner at her house during the time that I usually drive through a fast-food restaurant in between school and another activity.

When my children and I arrived at my friend's house, she had a beautiful table set with Halloween-themed placemats and a lovely vase of orange flowers in the center.  She had prepared lasagna -- with breaded eggplant!  And a delicious salad with pears as well as homemade bread, cut-up fruit...  Even the water that she served had sliced lemons.  Clearly, my friend knows how to entertain.

Her kindness was so thoughtful and generous.  It was a wonderful treat and a lovely time-out in the middle of the rush-rush of daily life.  As I thanked her and complimented her for her amazing talent in the kitchen, she shrugged it off.  That's how she is.  Nothing that she does for others ever seems like a big deal, although she is very appreciative of even the smallest things that someone might do for her.   The meal was incredibly delicious, but the greater gift was her kindness.

Kindness as a Way of Life

"Every sunrise is an invitation for us to arise and brighten someone's day."
― Richelle E. Goodrich

I recently met with someone on a business-related matter and found myself talking to a guy in finance who goes through life "with an open heart."  It fascinates me how some people walk through the day with a smile, an open heart and a generosity of spirit.  They see the opportunities for kindness; they reach out.  They brighten someone's day.

And then it seems... they move on.  One of my Kindness Heroes sent me a lovely e-mail today.  He said, " I do things not for the name or fame but for the joy or happiness it will bring to others and after it's done, I don't think about it again."  And yet, those acts of kindness stay with those whose hearts have been touched.

Kindness ― New York-Style, Part 2

"We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give."
― Winston Churchill

I heard a beautiful story yesterday about kindness that happened on the streets of New York almost 14 years ago.

It was a very cold day in New York, just before Christmas.  Having just been through a tough personal time, a man was walking to his job in a restaurant with a $1 in his pocket.  He was hungry and thirsty, and he was looking forward to buying himself a cup of coffee on his way to work.  But he ran into a homeless person who asked him for money to buy coffee.  The man took the $1 in his pocket and bought coffee for the homeless man.  The homeless man fell to his knees and cried and asked "why?"  As much as he had wanted the coffee, the man knew that in 45 minutes, he would be at his job at the restaurant where there would be coffee and food, but he had no idea when the homeless man would eat or get something warm.  "He was on the street," the man said.  And he helped him because he could.

Those moments of connection that kindness brings can be profound.  They lift up the person who receives because he realizes that someone acknowledges him and cares.  And they impact the person who gives because he is reminded that we can all do something and that the kindness we do can truly matter.

Kindness ―New York-Style

"My favorite thing about New York is the people, because I think they're misunderstood.  I don't think people realize how kind New York people are."
―Bill Murray

Just about a year ago, a guy named Andy Singh in New York did a very kind thing for me.

One of my closest friends from college is an attorney with a big corporation in New York. She has a great job, a wonderful husband, and very nice children.  She is kind, sensible, generous and intelligent.  I can't think of anything she needs.  She is one of those people who is content and doesn't want for more than she has, which she will readily admit is plenty.

I am blessed to travel every so often to New York, which I enjoy because I am able to visit with her and her family.  I nearly always opt for her hospitality instead of a hotel.  Although our visits are never long enough, we enjoy them and staying at her house is the closest thing to home away from home.

Last fall during one of our telephone conversations, she shared that for her birthday, she and her family had gone to her favorite restaurant, Cellini, and that she had been looking forward to an especially delicious tiramisu on the menu.  But her family got her a birthday cake, so they went back to her apartment after the restaurant and had that instead.

"I really wanted that tiramisu," she told me.

I could hardly believe my luck -- something my friend wanted!  So I sprang into action, figuring it would be easy to arrange, especially in New York.

I called the restaurant and asked if they delivered, but they didn't.  As I was asking the woman who answered the phone about a delivery service I might try, she transferred me to the very kind Andy Singh, manager of the restaurant.

I explained the situation to him.  He said that my friend's office was just a couple of blocks away and that he would be happy to deliver it when he went to pick up his children from school.  At that moment, I decided that Andy was a pretty terrific guy.  He was helping me out and he picked up his children from school -- what a combo.

A couple of hours later, my friend called.  The first thing I heard was laughter on the phone.  "I knew it was you, " she said, "as soon as I saw that it was tiramisu."

We had a great laugh and I told her about Andy, my New York kindness hero.  What a goodwill ambassador, we decided.  With his kindness, he spread good cheer up and down the East Coast.

When I went to New York a few weeks later, I went by Cellini to say hello and thank you again to Andy.  He was very nonplussed about the whole thing.  As with many people who do kind acts, he probably doesn't think about his tiramisu kindness very often.  But my friend and I do, and his kindness warms our hearts every time.

Fast forward a year:  Today is my friend's birthday.  I spoke to Andy again this morning and my friend received a tiramisu delivery at her office.  This time, I spoke to Andy for a few minutes and he shared part of his story with me.

"We were taught to be kind," he said.  "I don't expect anything from anyone.  I give.  That's how I am."

The Kindness of a Meal

"... whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me."
― Matthew 25:40

A few weeks ago, I wrote about a woman in Washington who bought a restaurant gift card for a homeless man who asked for help getting something to eat.

Inspired by that story, a woman I know has made an effort to keep gift cards for McDonald's in her car.  She prefers to give the gift cards instead of money to people who are asking for help on the street.

Yesterday, as the woman was stopped in her car at a busy intersection,  an older man was walking between the cars asking for help.  The woman gave him a McDonald's gift card.  He said, "I was hoping someone would give me something to eat."  Then he looked at her in the eyes and said, "Thank you for the love."  With that, he blew her a kiss and walked away.

Leaving Kindness Behind

"Generosity is the most natural outward expression of an inner attitude of compassion and loving-kindness."
― Dalai Lama XIV

As I mentioned in an earlier post, this last week I participated in a spiritual retreat.  The retreat included individual meetings with a spiritual guide, who met with me several times over the course of the week.  I was paired with a wonderful religious, who fascinated and inspired me on many levels -- her faith in a God whose presence she feels at every moment, her dedication to religious life, her lifelong commitment to helping others, her openness to opportunity, her generosity with me and her sense of style (yes, this was a very elegant nun!).

During our last meeting on Friday morning, I brought her a book on Buddhism that I thought she would enjoy.  She shared a prayer she wanted me to have, and said she would make a copy of it and give it to me during the retreat's closing prayer service that afternoon.  She gave me a hug and I was off.

At the retreat's closing service, I didn't see her.  I was disappointed.  It was not about the prayer, but about not seeing this amazing woman one more time.  As the event host thanked the visiting religious, she shared that my guide had had to leave earlier than expected because there had been a death in her family.  I felt sad for her, but I also knew that there was probably no one better prepared to comfort her family and guide its members through the loss.

As I gathered my things, another religious handed me an envelope with my name on it.  I immediately knew that it was from my spiritual guide.  Even before reading it, her kindness touched my heart.  Somehow as she was leaving to deal with one of life's biggest challenges, she took some time to leave behind this lovely kindness.

I waited until I was in my car to open the envelope.  In the note, she thanked me for my kindness (the book), included the prayer she had wanted me to have, and said that she asked God to bless me.  I tucked the note inside my purse and felt blessed by her kindness.

A Little Kindness Goes A Long Way

"By and large, mothers and housewives are the only workers who do not have regular time off.  They are the great vacationless class."
― Anne Morrow Lindbergh

 A mom I know was having a rough week.  She was not feeling well and the week seemed more overscheduled than usual.  Given her children's schedule, she wasn't able to take a sick day as she would have done before she had children.  By the time Friday arrived, the week had taken its toll and she was exhausted.  She wondered how she would make it through an afternoon and evening full of activities.

At an event at her children's school, a teacher whom she did not know well approached  her and said, "You are an incredible mother."  The woman was momentarily stunned.  And the teacher continued, "I always see you running around with your children and I can see the love you have for them."

The teacher's words echoed in the woman's head.  If she were coming anywhere close to the teacher's estimation, then she was accomplishing her goal.  On a Friday afternoon, after a very long week, those few words of kindness made all the difference.

The Kindness of Relationship

"I love it that what my heart wants most to do  is to console or appreciate or encourage.  It feels better in relationship.  I imagine it ever on the lookout for an object ― a frightened friend, my own chagrined self, the world around me that it can connect with...  I feel delighted to have been born into what the Buddha called 'this realm of ten thousand joys and ten thousand woes' with mind and heart primed to respond, out of wisdom, and out of natural benevolence, with kindness."
― Sylvia Boorstein

When I reread this passage in Sylvia Boorstein's book Happiness is an Inside Job, I realized that connection is so important because we are wired to live in relationship ― with ourselves, with others and with God.  And we seek balance in those relationships.  I think the balance is about our being our best selves and relating to the other person's best self.  We know when relationships are out of balance; typically it is when one or both of us is not in a good place.  But when we can draw on who we truly are, we open our hearts and freely share kindness.  And in so doing, we encourage and lead the way for others to do the same.

The Kindness of Listening With Your Heart

"Listening is a magnetic and strange thing, a creative force.  The friends who listen to us are the ones we move toward.  When we are listened to, it creates us, makes us unfold and expand."
― Karl A. Menninger 

I heard a lovely story today about a woman and a security guard who lives in her building.  The woman had shared a piece of bread pudding with the security guard after a party that she had hosted.  The security guard had asked her where it was from as his mother really liked bread pudding, and he wanted to get one for his mother for her birthday.  The woman gave him the name of the bakery.  A few days later, the security guard told her that the bakery had stopped making the bread pudding.  The woman went to the bakery and asked the manager if she would make her a bread pudding, which the manager agreed to do.  The woman took the bread pudding to the security guard and told him that it was for his mother.  With tears in his eyes, the guard told the woman that he could not believe that she had remembered.

What a lovely kindness -- to listen to another person with an open heart, and then to respond to the desires of the other's heart.