Connecting the Dots of Kindness

"Nothing can make our lives, or the lives of other people, more beautiful than perpetual kindness."
―  Leo Tolstoy

Why does it seem that sometimes it is more difficult to maintain an attitude of kindness with those we love the most?

A few weeks ago, I saw a mother and toddler at the park.  As the toddler tried to climb onto his mother who was sitting on a bench, the mother sternly said, "[Expletive], don't hang on me!"  I found it troubling and sad. 

As we continue on this kindness journey, I think that we are doing much better at knowing what a kind act is, seeing the opportunity and extending kindness -- small and not-so-small acts here and there.  But how do we string those acts together, connect the kindness dots, to develop a genuine attitude of kindness, particularly toward those we love the most?

I posed the question to my children yesterday morning and recounted the story about the mother in the park.  My 7-year-old said:  "That's what babies do -- hang all over you!  I think she didn't go to mother school!"

I asked my children whom they love the most in all the world.  "Family" was the first response, immediately followed by "friends."  And then I asked them if they thought they showed their family members -- namely parents and siblings -- kindness, especially when speaking with them.  I got silence and then quiet noes. 

So then I asked them what I could do to remind them to be kind when speaking and dealing with each other.  One of them suggested that I say, "cookie."  (We have developed code words for certain things, such as "apple" to encourage good posture.  The code words are shorter, not embarrassing and no one else knows what we are talking about.)  So ...  I have already begun employing "cookie." 

I asked my "Kindness Muses" what they thought about this question.  One, a quiet, slow-to-anger mother of two young children suggested that perhaps with children, we already do so many acts of kindness (feeding them, bathing them, paying for everything), that sometimes we may just be tapped out -- or just plum out of patience.  Perhaps with family members, there are years of baggage -- of uneven relationships, hurt feelings, entrenched roles ... 

A couple of the Muses said that sometimes we take those closest to us for granted and we know they will be there no matter what.  One of the Muses said that there is an "invisible line" that you don't cross with anyone outside those who know you the best.  She says that sometimes she has to bring out the "invisible line" from  "the deepest part of the closet" to be nice to a relative who is annoying her without meaning to -- especially when this relative is being kind.  Thankfully, she says, it becomes easier with practice.

The reasons all resonate with me.  Yet I still believe that we can consciously and very intentionally try again and again to demonstrate the love that we feel for those closest to us with an attitude of kindness -- Tolstoy's "perpetual kindness."  I am committing to trying, but I hear "cookie" in my future already.