Kindness through Manners

"Manners embrace socially acceptable behavior, of course, but also much more than that.  They are an expression of how you treat others when you care about them, their self-esteem, and their feelings.  Manners are under your control because they come from the heart.  In a chaotic world, they can make order out of disorder and give you the power to bring pleasure into other people's lives."
― Letitia Baldrige

My husband has teased me for years that if I ever established a foundation, it would be called Peace through Civility.  I can't deny it - I am a big believer in the importance of good manners.  For me, manners and kindness go hand in hand.

When I was about 7 or 8 years old, a family friend brought me a box of books.  I still remember taking the books out of the big brown box.  Among the box's treasures was a light yellow book titled White Gloves and Party Manners.  The book quickly became a favorite and I eagerly devoured its details.  I enjoyed learning about what certain social situations required and I have no doubt that it gave me, a quiet and somewhat shy little girl, a small boost in confidence.  Originally published in 1965, the book recently sold its millionth copy.  I am not sure why this friend brought the books or why I was so drawn to the one on etiquette.  But that gift triggered a life-long fascination with manners.

Knowing of my interest in manners, a wonderful boss I had more than 20 years ago gave me her invitation to a luncheon and book signing with Letitia Baldrige, former White House chief of staff for Jacqueline Kennedy, world-famous expert and author on manners, and one of my heroes.  I was thrilled.  And it is indeed from my signed copy of the book that I took the quote at the top of this post.

A couple of years after meeting Mrs. Baldrige, I was in the midst of an invitation-wording dilemma at a new job.  I had a couple of her books open on my desk, but still could not find the answer.  I called Information in Washington, D.C. and, to my surprise, found that she was listed.  I held my breath as I dialed and was ecstatic when she picked up the phone.  Using my best telephone voice and manners, I quickly explained my dilemma and she answered my question.  I don't remember the issue or her answer, but I do recall how delighted I was to speak with her.  And, of course, her graciousness.

Why do I think manners matter?  Manners are a way of expressing kindness, of saying that we care enough to make sure that our behavior reflects how we feel.  When we dress appropriately for an occasion, whether it is a church service or a dinner in someone's home, we are saying without uttering a word that we care enough to make an effort.  When we use manners at the table or in greeting people, we show again that we care.  And while thank you notes may seem perfunctory, when we take the time to write them, we honor the thoughtfulness of the person who made the gift.  Call me old-fashioned, but I like to express kindness through manners.