Kindness Without Keeping Tabs

"One who knows how to show and to accept kindness will be a friend better than any possession."
― Sophocles

The other day, I told one of the key members of my raising-children village that I might need her help during an upcoming business trip, but I promised to reciprocate.  Given how much I was going to need her help, I already was thinking of how many times I could pick up her children and what else I could possible do. "No, no, no," she said.  "We don't keep track."

It is truly a joint effort -- this parenting adventure.  Life has become increasingly more complicated:  Dads don't come home at 5 like Ward Cleaver, most of us aren't in the kitchen wearing lovely dresses and pearls like June, and the children's activities aren't down the street and over by dinner time.  So, we do the best we can, helping our fellow parents along the way and counting our blessings for their kindnesses toward us -- especially when their kindness comes without keeping tabs.

Kindness Along the Journey

"Life is short and we have never too much time for gladdening the hearts of those who are travelling the dark journey with us.  Oh be swift to love, make haste to be kind."
― Henri Frederic Amiel

Today I spoke to someone who is a professional friend, the kind of person you meet through work, but whom you end up really liking and so a personal friendship develops as well.  A mutual contact introduced us a couple of years ago and we have enjoyed getting to know each other.  We consistently try to support each other in our respective businesses, but we also share what is going on in our personal lives.  About a year and a half ago, I had a personal situation that someone she knew could greatly help with.  I never thought to ask for her help, but she volunteered to intervene on my behalf -- she did and what I needed to happen did.  I will be forever grateful.  Some time ago, this woman had the terrific idea of scheduling monthly calls, so that we could regularly catch up.  Our conversations are always invaluable.  Today, I shared a new project idea, and she was immediately enthusiastic and began thinking of ways that she could help.  She even offered to write an e-mail to someone in a key position who might be interested in the project.  I am always struck by how she analyzes a situation and quickly identifies where she can be helpful.  She has a generosity of spirit -- a natural kindness -- that comes easily and that has tremendous impact.

Encouraging Children to be Kind

"No one has yet realized the wealth of sympathy, the kindness and generosity hidden in the soul of a child.  The effort of every true education should be to unlock that treasure."
―  Emma Goldman 

Two of the Kindness Muses, good friends who live in Virginia, sent me a link to a video about encouraging kindness in children.  How to Praise Your Child is an offering by Prager University, a virtual university founded by Dennis Prager (talk show host, columnist and speaker) where all the courses are five minutes or less.  This one is shorter than four and a half minutes and worth watching, http://www.prageruniversity.com/Life-Studies/How-to-Praise-Your-Child.html.
 

In this short video, Rabbi Joseph Telushkin makes a proposal that he says can "immediately and exponentially increase both goodness and happiness on Earth."  His very simple proposal is:

Parents -- and all other adults -- should reserve their highest praise of children for when children do kind acts.

Rabbi Telushkin says that generally children receive the highest compliments in four areas:  intellectual and academic achievements, athletic abilities, artistic attainment and looks (especially girls).  And while achievements in these areas are important, Rabbi Telushkin says that they are only important if you are a good person.  He says that by praising children's kindness, we will help them feel better about themselves when they are acting kindly, which will tie their self-esteem to goodness more than to anything else.  Rabbi Telushkin says that if his proposal catches on, "we will raise a generation of people who most like themselves when they are doing good."

Rabbi Telushkin certainly got me thinking...  So when my son came home today and told me that he had been kind to a child in his class with whom he normally doesn't play, I made sure to listen and to compliment him for his kindness.

Given that we become kinder as we get older and wiser, I have to agree with Rabbi Telushkin (and cyberspace's favorite commencement speaker George Saunders*).  Why not encourage children as early as possible?

*  Random House recently announced that it would publish an expanded version of Mr. Saunders' speech in book form.  "Congratulations, by the Way" is scheduled for release in the spring of 2014.

Kindness in Traffic

"The best portion of a man's life, his little, nameless, unremembered acts of kindness and love."
― William Wordsworth

If there is one place where our capacity for kindness is constantly tested, it's traffic.  Where I live, school is back in session and that has made for some pretty gnarly traffic situations.  This morning, I was not surprised to hear on the radio that the city where I live is among the top 10 worst cities in the U.S. for drivers, according to a study just released by Allstate.

Sometimes we are tense in traffic because we are in a hurry, but sometimes, it seems that we are just bothered by what other people are trying to "get" -- cutting in front of us, getting ahead, being unfair...  At some point in my life, probably when I got beyond thinking that people who drove fast were "cool," I decided that the way people drive says something about them.

Today, I saw a middle-aged guy in a black, late-model Audi.  He was talked very animatedly on the phone, well-dressed as far as I could tell.  He looked busy, a Type A -- a lawyer, I figured.   Just those quick, and thankfully unimportant, assumptions that we make as we drive.  Then, I saw him let a car go in front of him.  Kind, I thought.  And then, he let a second car in front.  Kinder.  In seconds and without knowing anything about this person, my perception of him changed -- just based on his kindness in traffic.

Kinder with Age

"The wonderful thing is that it's so incredibly easy to be kind."
― Ingrid Newkirk

Last week, a friend from law school called as he ran around tending to the needs of a tenant that he has.  I have always thought of my friend, a former-homicide-sergeant-turned-attorney as tough as nails.  With both Marine and SWAT training under his belt, this guy is not someone anyone would want to mess with.  And yet, my most recent interactions with him have confirmed that some kind of evolution -- an evolution toward kindness, if you will -- has occurred.  I listened with amusement as my friend explained that he was at Home Depot buying things for his tenant; the items he was getting for this woman were clearly not his responsibility as a landlord, but he wanted to help her out.  I then heard him alert a woman at the store that she had left her phone behind. 

A couple of days ago, I met my friend for lunch and asked him about this kinder version of himself.

"Yes, I'm definitely kinder," he said.  "It's just a better way to be...  I'm more patient.  When things happen, I don't overreact.  And once you start doing that, you realize that you're not giving anything up.  It's actually the other way around."

George Saunders in his May commencement speech at Syracuse, which has achieved viral status, said that "'becoming kinder' happens naturally, with age."  And research supports that.  A study published last year in Social Psychology and Personality Science analyzed nearly 18,000 adults worldwide, ranging in age from 18 to their 90s.  The lead author of the study, Claudia Brumbaugh, a professor of psychology at City University of New York's Queen's College said:  "We know people become more agreeable in their old age.  Elderly people demonstrate a greater tendency for forgiveness, a higher likelihood of responding to happy faces over sad faces and greater sensitivity to benevolence."

During my lunch visit with my friend, he received a call from his grown daughter, an attorney in another state.  She had just attended a major music awards show and was eager to tell him all about it.  "Did you wear comfortable shoes?" he asked.  I couldn't help but smile.

My friend and I had a nice lunch, caught up on both our lives.  Eventually, he had to go.  He was off to his favorite thing -- coaching football at a high school, which he does on a volunteer basis. 

Older, kinder...  and definitely wiser.

The Kindness of Teaching Discipline

"Discipline is the bridge between goals and accomplishment."
― Jim Rohn

I had a work colleague years ago who had four children.  All of them studied an instrument and she at one point home-schooled all four.  I was in awe of her terrific organizational skills and discipline, and I sought out her parenting advice frequently.  When I asked her about the instrument study for the children, she said that it was as much about discipline as it was about the music.

Yesterday, I was reminded of my former colleague's approach to raising children.  In the New York Times Book Review, the front page article reviews a book by Amanda Ripley, The Smartest Kids in the World And How They Got That Way.  Ms. Ripley looks at how other nations educate children more effectively than we do.  She traveled to Finland, South Korea and Poland, three countries where students score very well on international tests and surpass American students' lackluster performance.  What she found is that the secret is three-fold: well-trained teachers, a rigorous curriculum and a challenging exam required of all graduating high school seniors.  Ms. Ripley writes that children need "a culture of rigor," particularly in this global economy, and that Americans in the past have not needed rigor.  Currently, one quarter of American students fail to graduate from high school.  But it's not just about high school and education.  Rigor is key to work and all aspects of our lives.

I tell my children that discipline is doing something that we have decided is important regardless of whether or not we feel like doing it at that moment.  Discipline leads us to exercise when we don't feel like it, to practice an instrument when we would rather not, and, as adults, to work when we would rather play hooky.  It also keeps us from spending money we should save or eating unhealthy foods when we know we would benefit from not indulging.  And discipline is shutting off the television and engaging in something pro-active such as reading.  (Please don't think that we run a tight ship; this is mostly aspirational.)

Sometimes discipline feels hard to model and to encourage, but I think the toughest part is the first step.  A couple of weeks ago, I wrote about a lovely woman who signed her e-mails "smiles."  She also shared that she loves words and reading, and wanted to encourage that love of language in her children.  When her children were little, she got rid of the television and they spent hours reading together and making up stories.

"Believe me, the kids were NOT happy the first few weeks without a TV, but soon adjusted," she wrote.  "Thirty years later, all three are still thanking me for getting rid of the 'boob tube' and paying attention to them!"  Her children are also avid readers.

What an amazing kindness it is to teach our children that discipline and love of learning.  It is not easy and frequently may put us in the "bad guy/woman" role, but how incredible to give them such a valuable tool to help them accomplish their goals.

Mystery... and Kindness

"A wonderful fact to reflect upon, that every human creature is constituted to be that profound secret and mystery to every other."
―Charles Dickens

One of the Kindness Muses wrote to me this week about my post on curiosity.  She shared that it made her think of a phrase that she heard from a Jesuit priest in Washington, D.C. more than 20 years ago:  "People are not problems; people are mysteries."

"This lifts me out of whatever negative thoughts I am having about a person and makes me look at the person and the situation in a whole new way, with wonder and (perhaps) delight," my friend said.  "It's looking with a sense of wonder and adventure and possibility and openness, instead of negativity and closed-ness."

If we are open to the mystery of others, we can let go of having to understand them or fix them.  Instead, we can simply open our hearts and show them kindness.

It Takes a Village ...

"God could not be everywhere, and therefore he made mothers."
― Rudyard Kipling

Mothers who manage any kind of semi-sane existence know that it does indeed take a village to raise our children.  We rely on the members of our village for support, advice, help with shuttling children back and forth, school updates ...

A dear friend and I have developed our own mutual assistance society.  We are blessed that our children share schools and more than one after-school activity, so we touch base daily.  Depending on who arrives at one of the school dismissal lines first, we make arrangements about where to exchange children.  We even have two designated places close to the schools for this purpose.  Our children seem to jump in and out of our cars with equal ease.  Since our children began attending the same schools, my friend has insisted, "We have to help each other or we'll go crazy."

This week, my friend took the it-takes-a-village thing to a new level.  One of my children had been invited to audition for a community arts program, but she was refusing to do it.  I am not entirely sure of the reasons, but it might have included her beginning a new school and wanting to focus on doing well there.  Her father and I tried to persuade her, but she would not budge.

Enter my friend -- already an important member of my village.  Yesterday, as we were leaving an after-school activity, I overheard my friend talking to my daughter, very casually asking about the program and why she did not want to audition.  My friend told my daughter that she knew how well she would do and that she was sure that my daughter would enjoy it.  Well, you can guess how this story goes -- my daughter auditioned this morning, and it looks as though things went well.

Today, as my friend and I celebrated surviving the first week of school, I thanked her for her very thoughtful kindness.  She was able to accomplish something that neither my husband nor I had managed to do.  And I believe that my daughter will benefit greatly from my friend's generosity.

Kindness is About Connection

"One rainy evening, I stood in a crowded train, crying after someone I thought would be my first and only love.  I didn't care that everyone could see me, it never occurred to me really. Few stops later, a guy got off the train but handed me a piece of paper before he did so.  Inside, was a drawing of a duck saying "smile."  On the platform, he bent down to tie his shoelaces and looked up at me.  I never stopped crying but smiled for him.  The drawing is still on my wall.  He gave me something that the most dearest can't give sometimes.  He gave me hope..."
– from Acts of Kindness, a project by Michael Landy

Thanks to one of the Kindness Muses, I learned of "Acts of Kindness," a project by London artist Michael Landy that celebrates kindness on the London subway.  The project is part of a government-sponsored Art of the Underground program to enrich the experience of subway users.

Landy, who is Associate Artist at the National Gallery and a member of the Royal Academy of Arts, asked residents of the UK to submit stories of kindness they had experienced on the subway.  He then placed a selection of stories in the Central line stations and trains.

In an interview about the project, Landy explains:  "I'm interested in what makes us human, and what connects us, beyond material things.  For me the answer is compassion and kindness.  And this project is a way of collectively exploring that idea.  I mean I don't know if it's going to help create a kinder place on the Underground.  I think that's probably a big ambition to have.  But, in the way that it can make you feel uplifted when you see someone be kind on the Tube, I'd like to think that the artworks presenting the stories will also do that -- that they'll become life-enhancing for people.  In other words, I hope the artworks are an act of kindness themselves."

The stories relayed by the British subway riders are lovely and poignant and inspiring.  I encourage you to read some of them at art.tfl.gov.uk/acts of kindness.  These accounts illustrate how the smallest acts can lift our spirits by reminding us that we are connected.  When we acknowledge someone else's needs, we are showing the person that we care and that she is not alone.  Frequently, that is the only kindness we need -- to know that no matter what is happening to us, we are not alone.  And that kindness gives one of the greatest gifts of all -- hope.

The Kindness in Sharing the Madness

"You're only given a little spark of madness.  You mustn't lose it."
– Robin Williams

One of the Kindness Muses shared this Robin Williams quote this morning.  There is a wonderful madness about Robin Williams -- a lunacy that makes us smile and laugh.

After reading that quote, I shared with my friend that when people tell me that I am brave, my reply is that there is a thin line between bravery and lunacy.  As I thought about the quote, I realized that there is kindness to be found in some of our madness.

Sometimes, kindness requires taking a risk, doing something a little crazy -- even if it is as small a lunacy as reaching out when we normally wouldn't.  Or giving a gift that might seem over the top, whether in terms of the money or our time.  A couple of years ago, a very good friend of mine gave me an iPad.  It was an extraordinary gift and I was so touched I cried.  It wasn't about how expensive a gift it was (although it was that, too).  I was bowled over because I knew that it was a crazy kind of thing for this particular person, who is very measured in most of the things she does.  There was incredible thoughtfulness and kindness in her going to that nutty place, so outside her comfort zone.  And that is what meant the world to me.  I have done a couple of crazy kind things in my life, things that I wondered whether it made sense to do at the time, and, predictably, I have no regrets.

Wonderful things can happen when we let that little spark of madness take us to a kind and crazy place.

Better to Be Kind Than Right

"Sometimes it is better to be kind than right.  We do not need an intelligent mind that speaks, but a patient heart that listens."
― Unknown

One of my family members called yesterday to say that she had decided "to practice kindness in a mindful way."  She shared that she thinks of herself as a kind person, but that by focusing on being kind, she was being much more patient.  She said that when she feels herself getting upset during interactions with difficult people, she tells herself, "no, that is not very kind."

"Being mindful about kindness has made me feel better," she said.  "It makes me feel content and it also makes me realize that sometimes I am not as kind as I think.  It is better to be kind than to be right."

I attended a communications course years ago where the objective was to learn how to communicate with people regardless of how much you disagree with them.  One of the things that the course demonstrated is the difficulty that we have giving up having to be right.

Since then, I have found myself in conversations with people -- especially interactions that border on the unpleasant -- where I realize that I am trying to prove that I am right.  Why do we feel that we need to convince others of our position?  One of the things that I learned at that communications course was that when people are having an argument, each side marshals evidence to support her position.  And yet, rarely does either party change her mind.  So what's the point?

Sometimes, when we are on a single-minded quest to be right, we may find that we veer off the kindness path.  It is hard to be present, to have an open heart and to listen when we are focused on proving our point and being right.

Back to School... With a Little Kindness From My Friends

"What a circus act we women perform every day of our lives."
― Anne Morrow Lindbergh, Gift From the Sea

If you drive anywhere where school is back in session, you know how crazy the first week is -- and that is just on the driving end.  Negotiating the first week of school is always a challenge, but oh how much easier with a little kindness from our friends.

I have a friend who is kind in very simple and yet highly effective and helpful ways.  Just this past weekend, as we ran around trying to find a specific school-required shoe style, she texted me places where I might try.  Thanks to her, I tried a smaller store that would not have occurred to me and found what we needed.  As I drove to the mall, my friend called the store to find where in the large mall it was located and also texted me to tell me that they had a BOGO 1/2 deal going (Buy One, Get the Other at 1/2 price).  Earlier in the summer, this same friend suggested a store that I would normally not go to for an item I needed and then called to find out until what time it was open.  On Saturday night, as I sat in the shoe store exhausted from running around, I thought how very blessed I was to have such a kind friend who has for years made my life a whole lot easier.

Today, as I was leaving school with one child, I received a call from another child that I had not completed yet one more school form that had to be submitted on line.  For whatever reason (perhaps because I am form averse), I panicked and ran into the office of a friend who works at the school.  Don't worry, she said, and she proceeded to find the form and help me fill it out.  Her kindness helped me breathe a sigh of relief.

Women, and men, too, do indeed perform all kinds of juggling as we try to keep the various parts of our lives moving in the direction they need to go.  There are times -- like the first week of school -- when it seems impossible without the kindness of our friends.

The Kindness of Appreciation and Encouragement

"Correction does much, but encouragement does more."
― Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

I have written a couple of times about the kindness of encouragement, but its impact continues to amaze me.

Classes began today for all but one of my children who does not begin until Wednesday, so the two of us went for breakfast at a restaurant.  Thanks to our kindness project, my children are definitely paying more attention to their p's and q's.  So this morning, even though she was a little sleepy, my daughter managed to say please and thank you.  The server remarked to both of us how polite she was.  Immediately, I saw the impact.  My daughter stepped up her manners and was incredibly mindful to say thank you each time something was brought out to her.  When the bus boy came to clear the table, my daughter handed him her plate.  He said to her, "I think the server was right about you -- she said we had a very nice customer." 

It made me realize -- yet again -- the power of appreciation and encouragement.  By appreciating my daughter's efforts, the staff members at the restaurant encouraged her.  I saw how their words affected her and I imagine they will stay with her beyond today.  (The experience reminded me of a camp counselor who told me I had a great smile -- more than 40 years ago.)

This made me wonder, what opportunities do we have every day to appreciate and encourage others?  As a parent, it is so easy to become frustrated with children's behavior, but what happens if we focus on what they are doing right?  And what about employees and spouses?  When we appreciate others, not only do we acknowledge their thoughtfulness and efforts, but also we encourage them to be their best selves.  It is something to keep in mind, especially at the beginning of the school year.

P.S.  Now that our family kindness project is over, I may not be posting every day.  But then again... who knows J

Reflections on the Kindness Journey

"It's all a matter of paying attention, being awake in the present moment, and not expecting a huge payoff.  The magic in this world seems to work in whispers and small kindnesses.”
―Charles de Lint

Today is the last day of summer vacation.  And so the last day of our summer project on kindness.  As we prepared this weekend for the first day of school tomorrow, our family talked about what we had learned.  One of my children said, "I learned that it makes other people feel really good to know someone cares about them."  Kindness is about connection.

What has been most amazing to me is where an open heart can take you.  In an earlier post, I shared the following from an essay by Pablo Neruda:

To feel the love of people whom we love is a fire that feeds our life.  But to feel the affection that comes from those whom we do not know, from those unknown to us, who are watching over our sleep and solitude, over our dangers and our weaknesses, that is something still greater and more beautiful because it widens out the boundaries of our being, and unites all living things.

That concept of widening the boundaries of our being is what keeps running through my mind in terms of our project on kindness.  I have learned about many facets of kindness, including surprising ones like curiosity, courage and breathing.  In opening my heart, I have expanded my life -- the whole "boundaries of my being" thing.  I have become less afraid of new things and new people. 

In terms of my children, my hope is that we have strengthened the habit of thoughtfulness -- of thinking about how we can help, what someone else might be feeling...  I have noticed that they are much more attentive to the everyday small kindnesses like holding a door and returning the grocery carts.  And the other day as we walked by a car parked at an expired meter, my son asked for change.

Bottom line: It has been a great deal of fun, in no small part because in opening our hearts, we have learned and experienced so much.  I do believe there is magic in kindness. 

And I think that the Adventures in Kindness will continue.

The Kindness of You

"I must write it all out, at any cost.  Writing is thinking.  It is more than living, for it is being conscious of living."
― Anne Morrow Lindbergh
 

Tomorrow is the last day of summer vacation.  This blog began as part of my family's summer project on kindness.  My goal was that each day, we would do something kind for someone and reflect on it.  And then a few days into it, after encouraging another friend to blog about her summer project, I decided to begin writing this blog, which has evolved into reflections and musings on kindness. 

I have enjoyed writing this blog tremendously -- more than I could have imagined.  It has been an outlet for my desire to write, for my always-whirring brain...  It has been a wonderful opportunity for reflection, growth and gratitude.  And it has been a great way to connect with you.   

For me, there is a sense of accomplishment once I write something -- there, it is done.  But when you read it and let me know that you have, that is an added bonus.  I love your comments, your ideas for blog topics, your reflections on your own experiences.  And, as you know, so much of what you have shared has ended up in my posts.

I truly want you to know how very much I appreciate your reading what I write and your generosity in thoughtfully responding.  Those kindnesses have impacted me more than you can imagine.  I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

I believe that this Adventures in Kindness will continue, although I haven't figured out yet if I will write every day or maybe a few times a week.  We'll see, but before the summer ends, I want to thank you for joining me on this adventure.

The Kindness of a Place

"Life is made up, not of great sacrifices or duties, but of little things, in which smiles and kindness, and small obligations given habitually, are what preserve the heart and secure comfort."

― Humphry Davy

One of the best things about kindness is that it makes us feel good.  There is something about it that enables us to relax, to ease into the moment.

And today being Friday, I thought about a place where I always feel kindness -- the local pizza place that we frequent most Friday nights. With a good-natured sense of humor, the people who work there put up with my special requests -- including pizza with four different quarters.  They usually recognize my voice on the phone and always greet my family with smiles.  They give me the food and let me pay after -- risky, as on more than one occasion, they have called me back as I mindlessly leave without paying.  The other day, a girlfriend and I were admiring one particularly cheesy pizza that had come out of the oven; one of the guys who works there had made it to take home.  Next thing we knew, he brought us several pieces of his pizza, so that we could eat it while we waited for ours.  And on one particular memorable evening, I was surprised when I walked in and the four guys behind the counter sang Happy Birthday to me. 

The kindness of a place feels effortless, just a friendly neighborhood kind of thing, but it's palpable and it no doubt contributes to our lingering -- in our case, it can frequently be for a few hours.  It's a kindness that lends itself to good conversation.  My friends and I have shared many highlights and challenges during long talks at our pizza place.  Admittedly, the pizza is pretty good, but I think we also go for the Cheers atmosphere:  

Sometimes you want to go

Where everybody knows your name,

and they're always glad your came.

You wanna be where you can see,

our troubles are all the same

You wanna be where everybody knows

your name.

from the theme song of Cheers

Kindness in a Word

"Let us always meet each other with a smile, for the smile is the beginning of love."
― Mother Teresa

A couple of days ago, I was communicating via e-mail with someone I didn't know who was helping me with travel arrangements for a business trip.  I noticed that she closed her e-mail with "Smiles" (instead of Regards or Best as many people write above their names).  Wow, I thought, pretty neat.  Her sign-off had the same impact as someone sharing a smile in person.  I instinctively smiled as I read it. 

I wrote her back to say that I loved her sign-off.  She thanked me for my "kind words" and shared the following:  "My mother was a German/English farm wife who had the happiest heart in the world.  She saw her small world, and all who were in it, as beautiful. She sang as she went about her life of 88 years, whether gardening, baking bread, making quilts from outgrown clothing or cleaning our 15-room farm house; she lived those years with love and it spilled over onto all who knew her.  Such a legacy to leave behind as she walked her way to Glory!"

With her unique sign-off, this woman reflected her mother's happy heart and shared it with others, including a business contact across cyberspace.  Her "smiles" opened the door for me to get to know her a little better and to be inspired by her and her mother.  The description of her mother not only was beautiful and touching, but also made me think about how I live and what I might want to leave behind.  One word, a smile across cyberspace -- a reflection of love and kindness.

The Kindness of Curiosity

"Once we believe in ourselves, we can risk curiosity, wonder, spontaneous delight, or any other experience that reveals the human spirit."
― e. e. cummings

I had an interesting experience in yoga class yesterday.  At the beginning of class, the instructor spoke about the concept of curiosity.  She asked us to try approaching challenging poses with curiosity, instead of internally groaning or assuming what we could or couldn't do.  She said that curiosity was about being kind to ourselves and not selling ourselves short.

For whatever reason -- it may have been the use of the word "kind," I decided to give it a try.  So whenever there was a place in a pose that I thought was beyond me, I would try to keep myself curious and explore where I could go with it.

At one point, we were doing back bends (full wheels) and the instructor helped the woman next to me.  Standing by the student's head, the instructor had her do the back bend, but instead of having the woman keep her hands by her shoulders on the floor, she was to grab the instructor's ankles and use them to raise herself up, first onto her head and then off the floor.  The woman really struggled and I -- and probably she -- could not imagine that she was going to be able to rise up.  But rise up, she did.  When the instructor came to where I was, I couldn't decide whether I was better off knowing what was coming or not.  But I willed myself to go into curiosity mode and I grabbed the instructor's ankles hard.  I don't remember much about what happened next, but I squeezed her ankles and then pushed up with all my might (and then some).  Through a fog of sorts, I found myself rising up.  The instructor said something like, "Look at you, Superwoman" and then I was down, and it was over.  I felt a tear running down one of my eyes and felt very emotional.  Yoga can be strange that way.

But what that funky back bend exercise brought strikingly home is that curiosity is a form of kindness -- to ourselves and to others.  It can take us beyond our limits and assumptions.  Think about employing curiosity in terms of dreams you have and what you might be able to accomplish.  Or in terms of facing challenging situations.  Or your assumptions about others.  How surprising (I won't say curious) that there is kindness to be found in curiosity.

Kindness in Customer Service

"Always be a little kinder than necessary."
― James M. Barrie

As do many of us, I spend a few minutes (if not longer) every day following up on things that need to get done.  For example, there was an estimate that I was supposed to receive last Friday, but I haven't yet.  There was a delivery that was supposed to arrive yesterday, but won't until later this week.  There were some forms that I requested nearly two weeks ago that I was going to receive a call about in a couple of days, but didn't ...  Just the regular stuff.

So imagine my surprise when first thing yesterday morning, I received an e-mail from someone who was handling some paperwork for me.  The transaction was supposed to be completed today, but instead, it was done yesterday, so she e-mailed me right away to let me know.  It was such a pleasant surprise for someone to proactively contact me with news that what I needed had not only been accomplished, but also ahead of schedule!  I truly appreciated her kindness and thanked her right away.  I have to add that I should not have been surprised as this young woman excels at customer service, but still, I was nearly shocked.

In a TIME article last month on what makes for great customer service, one consultant says, "Expectations of what is timely are really changing."  The article states that, "If you can't deliver what customers want when they want it, they'll move on rather than waste their time."

Expectations are key with people in general, but certainly with customers.  Years ago, I realized that with expectations and deadlines, you either have to meet them or renegotiate them.  And I know that many people in businesses find themselves besieged by clients wanting their matters taken care of and it can feel as though one is behind the eight ball.  But if our approach to customer service is to be kinder than necessary -- especially in terms of communications and deliverables, we may find that not only are we being kind to the client (and building customer loyalty), but also we make life more pleasant for ourselves.  Kindness usually works that way.

Open Heart + Thoughtfulness = Kindness

"Stop the habit of wishful thinking and start the habit of thoughtful wishes."
― Mary Martin

Last week, someone thanked me for doing something kind.  What I did, did not require much effort on my part.  It did not involve any heavy lifting (literally or otherwise).  All I did was think a little, admittedly not much, and send a text message. 

As I think about what kindness requires, it seems mostly to be a little thought, sometimes showing up ...  It really is an open-heart kind of thing, thinking beyond one's immediate needs and wants, and thinking about what someone else might need, which, interestingly enough, is frequently not at odds with what we may want or need.  Kindness is about intentionality.  It is about living in a way that reflects our values as opposed to some of the mindless activities in which we engage.  For example, I can spend time on the Internet looking for that white linen tunic I really want or daydreaming about the perfect chocolate cake, or... 

The other day I had a friend's child over for a play date.  Given what is going on in my friend's life, my entertaining her child was helpful to her (not critical or necessary, but mildly helpful).  But it was not a burden at all.  In fact, I would go as far as to say it was a win-win.  My children and I all happen to adore this child and my children behave better when she is around.  So ... how hard was that?  As I consider what it takes to do most kindnesses, I realize that it doesn't take a whole lot -- it's an open heart + a little thought.  And sometimes there may or may not be some effort, but it is rarely of the heavy-lifting variety.

When I think of what is hard for me to do, I think of jumping in cold water, lifting heavy boxes, driving on the highway, doing something I don't want to do (filling out forms, clearing out my clutter).  Most of the time, kindness is not about doing something that is difficult for me.  Maybe it only requires my being in that place where my heart is open and my mind is clear enough to think about the people and things that matter to me.  And what I do know is that when my heart and mind are in that place where I can tap into the kind spirit that I believe is at the essence of who I am, I am much happier than when I am being materialistic or chocoholic me.

The Kindness of Expressing Appreciation

"Make it a habit to tell people thank you.  To express your appreciation, sincerely and without expectation of anything in return.  Truly appreciate those around you, and you'll soon find many others around you.  Truly appreciate life, and you'll find that you have more of it."
― Ralph Marston

Yesterday my children and I were going to be out in the sun for a while.  Each of them filled a plastic tumbler with water and ice for themselves, and one of my daughters filled one for me.  I usually don't carry one of these -- not because I don't get thirsty, but because I don't want to carry something else.  In this case, I already had my hands full, but as one of the children had been kind enough to pack the water cup for me, I decided to take it.

About a half hour into our time in the sun, I grabbed for the water cup and thought how grateful I was that one of my daughters had packed it for me.  She saw me drinking from it and said, "Are you glad I got you the water?"  Yes, I answered.  "But you didn't say anything," she said.

Oops ... out of the mouth of babes!

There is a 2008 TED Talk on the importance of saying thank you by Dr. Laura Trice, which I highly recommend (it's only about three and a half minutes long).  She says that people need to hear appreciation and praise.  And in an April 2013 Harvard Business Review article, the former president of Mattel (the toy company) asks:  "Why not say thank you more often -- and mean it?"  He goes on to detail his tips for showing thanks in the workplace.

Most of the time, we recognize that we are grateful for what someone has done for us.  As my daughter expressed, taking the additional step of communicating that appreciation is important.  It matters more than we think.

Be Kind Anyway

"If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives; be kind anyway."
 ―From a version of the Paradoxical Commandments, originally written by Kent M. Keith and sometimes attributed to Mother Teresa

The other day, someone who reads my blog wrote:  "Sometimes I wonder about showing a kindness to another and watching it be disrespected or rebuffed.  Of course, I recognize that it's far more important (and pure) to put it (kindness, graciousness) out there; however, it's not easy when someone is ungrateful or hurtful or aloof after a kindness is shown.  I guess the phrase so often heard in the UK -- Keep Calm and Carry On -- comes into play here."

When I read this, it immediately reminded me of the quote attributed to Mother Teresa.  Be kind anyway.

One of the reasons that people hesitate to do a kindness is precisely because of the fear that they will be rejected or misunderstood.  So why should be kind -- especially if we do not possess Mother Teresa's saintly qualities?

Being kind is ultimately about connection -- about opening our hearts to connect with the best in ourselves, which makes it possible to truly connect with others.  I would encourage us to be kind regardless of the reaction -- although there may be something to learn in another person's response to our kindness.  Sometimes being kind means understanding that we need to give people space or time.  Sometimes we are kind and we feel that it is not appreciated, but just because someone does not thank us does not mean that we have not impacted the person.  I still would encourage us to not give up on the concept.  By giving the best of ourselves through our kindness, we are giving someone else the opportunity -- and perhaps even the encouragement -- to do the same.

Kind Generosity

"Friends ... they cherish one another's hopes.  They are kind to one another's dreams."
― Henry David Thoreau

I volunteer with a dance academy and company in New York, The Covenant Ballet Theatre of Brooklyn.  I ended up working with the group through another organization called Catchafire, which I mentioned in an earlier post.  Catchafire matches individuals who would like to volunteer with nonprofit organizations that need their help.

The Covenant Ballet Theatre is run by its talented and passionate artistic director, Marla Hirokawa, and does terrific work -- it is not just the dance piece, but what it does for the community.  CBT has a high-level artistic vision coupled with a very humanitarian approach to how dance can impact all of our lives.

A few months ago, before I began working with the organization, CBT launched an on-line giving campaign to raise $19,000 through FundAnything, a Donald Trump initiative.  CBT needed funds to help it transition from its prior location to its new home.  When I began working with CBT, I sent out an e-mail to a handful of people I know in New York, telling them about the campaign and inviting them to help if they were so inclined.

Earlier this week, I heard from Marla that CBT had met and exceeded its fundraising goal.  She also shared that one of my friends, a dear friend from college, had contributed to the success of the campaign by making a personal donation as well as a matching gift from her company.  Not surprisingly, I had not heard about this from my friend. 

Contributing to an organization that a friend supports is a wonderful act of kindness -- it is generous to the organization that needs your help (particularly in this tough economic climate) and it is a lovely kindness to a friend.  It is another way of showing that you care about what is important to the important people in your life.

The Luminosity of a Kind Heart

"A kind heart is a fountain of gladness, making everything in its vicinity freshen into smiles."
― Washington Irving

A good friend of mine was having a really bad day this past Monday.  She is a teacher and was hoping to enjoy this last week of summer vacation before reporting back to school next week.  But she was called to jury duty.  The judge told the potential jurors that if they were selected, they would have to serve for four days.  My friend's young son would be having oral surgery later in the week, and she just could not imagine not being there with him.

In a pretty bad mood, she went outside during the lunch break and sat at a table, hoping the fresh air would help.  All of a sudden, she heard her name and saw a woman with whom she had recently been on retreat coming to say hello.

"She really brightened my day," my friend said.  "It was just her.  It was like a comfort.  Maybe she was God sent.  She just made me feel good."

They talked for a few minutes about what was going on in their respective lives, which also made my friend realize that her problems were not as serious as she thought.  My friend said that the encounter with this other woman made her appreciate what she has, and that feeling of gratitude lifted her spirits.

When my friend shared the story with me, I couldn't help but smile.  I know the woman she ran into, not well, but when I think of her, the word that comes to my mind is luminosity.  This woman seems to have that quality that George Saunders talks about.  Her soul is bright and shining, and because it is, she not only lights up the room, but also lifts our spirits.

How amazing it is that when we reach that place of kindness in our hearts, we can truly make others feel better with just our smile and our presence.