The Kindness of a Time Out

"Nowhere can man find a quieter or more untroubled retreat than in his own soul."
― Marcus Aurelius

There was something about today...  Several people with whom I spoke were harried, overwhelmed actually.  And I was feeling the same way.

Then this afternoon, I found myself in a room with nearly 50 others beginning the aptly titled Busy Person's Retreat.  Just taking a break, gathering with others to pray together -- for specific people, for peace, for our leaders -- brought a small measure of calm to my life and I hope to the others.  Before the retreat began, I thought, Am I crazy?  This is the worst possible week to do this!  I laughed to myself as I heard others echo my same thoughts.  Just when we think we can't take a break is probably the moment when we most need it.

Taking a break, a time out, gives us space to gather ourselves, to gain perspective and to go on.  It is a kindness that we need to face the challenges that inevitably come our way.  I think we also need it to appreciate the beauty of our blessings.

Kindness in the Wal-Mart Parking Lot

"How beautiful a day can be when kindness touches it!"
― George Elliston

Today's New York Times Magazine included a photo essay , "Paradise, Paved," that featured people who spent the night in their cars or RVs in Wal-Mart parking lots in Arizona.  Apparently, Wal-Mart considers RV travelers "among our best customers" and allows people to park their RVs or cars overnight in the stores' parking lots (one night only).  Most of the people photographed in the essay were veteran Wal-Mart overnight guests.

There was one gentleman from Michigan whose story stood out for me.  Based on his photograph, I would guess that he is in his late 60s or early 70s.  According to the story, this man has been in about 500 Wal-Mart parking lots as he travels across the country researching his family history.  He said that one Christmas Eve, there were about nine people in the Wal-Mart lot, so he left notes for everyone inviting them to his RV on Christmas morning and he made them all breakfast.

When I shared the story with someone today, she remarked that it was very sad that this gentleman was alone on Christmas Eve.  I was inspired that regardless of whatever was going on in his life, he reached out and extended kindness to those around him.  What a lovely gift of kindness -- especially on Christmas Day.

Generosity of Spirit at the Heart of Kindness

"The amount of kindness has no proportion to the effect of kindness.  People generally do not look at what you have had to give up in order to do for them what you have done.  They see only the kindness.  It is not what you do, but how you do it that matters."
―Rev. Lawrence G. Lovasik

A dear friend, one of the Kindness Muses, sent me a book, The Hidden Power of Kindness by Rev. Lawrence G. Lovasik, for my birthday.  (This was one of those gifts that arrived with perfect timing.)  The book is a treasure trove of thoughts about kindness.  I was especially struck by the notion in this quote that the "amount of kindness has no proportion to the effect of kindness."

There are many times when I am so grateful for what to the giver might be a small kindness.  Whether it is someone taking care of my children or a friend calling to check in at just the right moment or the unexpected comment from a stranger, those kindnesses have great impact.  And as Father Lovasik writes, how the person shares the kindness matters.  I am always amazed by the generosity of spirit at the heart of the kindness. 

What's In A Name?

"I had started calling her Lucy shortly after we met; I didn't like the name Lucille.  That's how our television show was called I Love Lucy, not Lucille."
―Desi Arnaz
 

We are funny people.  On the one hand, our names are who we are -- truly at the core of our identity.  As parents, we spend a long time thinking about and sometimes even doing battle with our partners or family over a name for our child.  On the other hand, we sometimes don't pay attention to other people's names and call them what we want without knowing their preferences.

The other day, I was talking on the telephone with a mother at my children's school.  Though we had not met in person, we were coordinating an activity related to our children's respective sports teams.  At one point in the conversation, she asked me whether I preferred Ana or Ana Gloria.  I appreciated her thoughtfulness.  And I explained that I go by Ana Gloria as many of the women in my family are Ana-something.

I was thinking about this mother's kindness the following day only to realize that I had not been as kind.  Her name can be pronounced differently and yet I had assumed one pronunciation.  So I asked her what she preferred and apologized for not asking before. 

Calling someone by the name she prefers may seem like a small thing, but each of us notices when we are called something that doesn't feel right, that doesn't fit who we are and our sense of identity.  It is a kindness to make the small effort to get it right.  It lets the person know that her preference matters.  And it is a way of expressing that we care.

I grew up watching I Love Lucy and have no clue how Lucille Ball felt about her name.  But I am very grateful when people are kind enough to ask me about mine.

Enjoying Kindness and Blessings

"Kind words are a creative force, a power that concurs in the building up of all that is good, and energy that showers blessings upon the world."
― Rev. Lawrence G. Lovasik

Today was a day to enjoy kindness and blessings.  I woke up to gifts and a cake -- with candles lit!  I was blessed the whole day with calls, e-mails and texts from friends from all different parts of my life.  I have always thought of birthdays as moments to take stock, to count my blessings...  But today I decided I would just enjoy the kindness and blessings.

I marveled at my friends who arranged for gifts to arrive just in time, at the friends who kept calling because my voicemail was full, at my friends who arranged birthday celebrations, at a friend who made a video for me as she could not celebrate in person with me, at my family members and the efforts they made...

And then there was the kindness of a stranger, a woman whose name I don't know.  I am big on birthdays:  I like to celebrate, I like to wear something new -- nothing major, just a new blouse perhaps.  Certain that I could find something, I went to one of my favorite shops yesterday, but no luck.  Even as my son told someone at the store that I was looking for a "birthday costume."

Today, admittedly a little disappointed on the wardrobe front, I put on a blouse I have worn many times.  Mid-morning, I went to a donut shop to buy several dozen donuts for a bake sale at my children's school.  An older woman was sitting at a table next to where I was waiting for the donuts to be boxed.  She looked up at me from where she was sitting and said, "You're beautiful."  Surprised and not sure I had heard right, I looked at her perplexed.  "You're beautiful," she repeated.  (Okay, so maybe I just wanted to hear it again.)  She went on to say that she really liked my blouse, my necklace and my make-up.  I told her that she made my day.  And I shared that it was my birthday and that I had wanted to wear something new, but I hadn't found anything.  She wished me a Happy Birthday.  I thanked her and left, definitely feeling better about not having found a new "birthday costume" -- as silly as the whole notion might have been to begin with.

No matter how much I write about and experience kindness, I am in awe of the impact that we can have on each other when we take that step, when we accept the invitation, to reach out and connect with kindness.

The Kindness of Understanding

"Do you know what people really want? Everyone, I mean. Everybody in the world is thinking: I wish there was just one other person I could really talk to, who could really understand me, who'd be kind to me. That's what people really want, if they're telling the truth.”
― Doris Lessing

In a store parking lot yesterday, I was beginning to open my car door to get out, when a car zipped into the parking space next to me and almost hit me.  Startled, I closed my door quickly.  The driver of the car did not notice.  As I got out of my car, a woman who also had just parked, said to me, "She didn't even notice."  I smiled and nodded, immediately feeling better than someone had seen my predicament -- and understood.  A few minutes later, as I was getting back into my car, the woman who had made the comment also was leaving.  We smiled and waved at each other goodbye.  Usually, I might recount the incident to someone -- "You won't believe someone almost hit me as I was getting out of my car!"  But someone already knew -- she had seen it and understood.  And that kindness of understanding was enough.

Kindness That Lifts You Up

"There is no small act of kindness.  Every compassionate act makes large the world."
― Mary Anne Radmacher
 

I was returning home from early-morning school drop off today with the endless reel of "what can I get done, what has to be done, how will I get it done..." spinning in my head.  As I approached the door to my building, the newspaper delivery man, exiting from his morning rounds, held the door for me.  I hurried to the door, but with a patient smile, he said, "Don't rush."  There was something about his smile and his very simple gesture that broke the spell in my head, something about that connection with someone else that put my "problems" into perspective and brought me back to the present moment -- the moment that truly bears enjoyment and that we will miss if we are busy somewhere else.  This gentleman's seemingly small act of kindness made me smile and lifted my mood.

The Kindness in Planning

"Let us be grateful to people who make us happy, they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom."
―Marcel Proust

I try to remember my friends' birthdays, but I am in awe of the friends who not only remember, but also manage to plan ahead.  A week and a half ago, I received an early birthday card from a friend who was on her way to Paris.  Today, several days in advance of my birthday, I received a birthday card from a friend across the country who is traveling to promote a new venture.  I also received a package from a very busy friend in Washington.  I have not opened today's card or what I know I can safely assume is a gift, but my friends' thoughtful kindness has already touched my heart.   

The Kindness of Telling Them How Much We Love What They Do

"Each day of our lives we make deposits in the memory banks of our children."
―  Charles R. Swindoll
 

Thanks to a friend, I read a thought-provoking article, which appeared  in The Huffington Post earlier this week, "6 Words You Should Say Today," by Rachel Macy Stafford.

Stafford refers to an article about sports parents, which says, "... college athletes were asked what their parents said that made them feel great, that amplified their joy during and after a ballgame. Their overwhelming response: 'I love to watch you play.'"  Stafford writes that the sentence -- "I love to watch you play" -- had an immediate impact on her and changed the way she communicates with her family.  She began using that sentence, adapted to whatever activity, and noticed a difference in her children's reaction.    

"When simply watching someone makes your heart feel as if it could explode right out of your chest, you really should let that person know," Stafford says.

I found it so lovely and so inspiring because sharing that thought with our children expresses what we truly feel -- we LOVE watching them do whatever they are doing.  Their joy, their abilities, their performances...  all fill our heart.  What a kindness to share that feeling with them -- to say that and only that, so that it lingers, so that what really matters isn't lost in the muddle of all the other things we feel we have to tell them.

On Friday, I attended Mass at my son's school.  The last song is very upbeat, and the children dance and sing and clap their hands to it.  Sometimes, they get carried away and jump in place.  It is a joy to watch.  As my son exited the church, I gave him a hug and said, "I love to watch you sing and dance."  He beamed.

Later that afternoon, I arrived to a very far-off swim meet just in time to watch my daughter swim in her last race.  I am always amazed to watch her jump off the starting block, swim through the water, do that neat turn at the far end of the pool...  All things I could never do, so they doubly amaze me.  When I saw her after she got out of the water, instead of opting for the "great race" talk, I said to her, "I love to watch you swim."  She smiled and hugged me.

Sometimes, less is more.  Sparing our children the endless commentary about their performance, the advice we sometimes feel so compelled to give, and instead opting for the simple message of what we truly feel may be one of the kindest things we can do for them.

* * *

And speaking of kindness, I was able to enjoy my daughter swim at her meet thanks to the kindness of another swim mom, who told me as I arrived, harried after an hour-and-a-half- long ride, that my daughter was going next. 

Kindness Lingers

"Kind words not only lift our spirits in the moment they are given, but they can linger with us over the years.  One day, when I was in college, a man seven years my senior congratulated me on my performance in a football game.  He not only praised how well I had done in the game, but he had noticed that I had showed good sportsmanship.  Even though this conversation happened more than 60 years ago, and even though it’s highly unlikely the person who complimented me has any recollection of this conversation, I still remember the kind words spoken to me that day..."
― Joseph B. Wirthlin

I texted a friend this morning to wish her a Happy Birthday and she responded that she was visiting her daughter who is away at college.  I told her to say hi to her daughter for me and that I remembered her daughter's kindness with my daughter a while back.

Last year, my daughter went to a new school for 6th grade.  The school has a big field-day type event organized by the 12th graders where everyone in the school is grouped into teams captained by the seniors.  When my daughter came home and told me about her day, she shared that she had been on the team led by the daughter of this friend of mine.  What a coincidence!  I texted my friend to let her know.  My friend replied that her daughter had intentionally put my daughter on her team because her daughter remembered what it was like to be a new student at the school, and she wanted my daughter to have a nice experience at this event.  I was so touched by this young woman's kindness and I still remember it with great appreciation.  That's the thing about kindness -- it lingers.

An Opportunity to Pay It Forward

"Wherever there is a human being, there is an opportunity for kindness.
― Lucius Annaeus Seneca

Having been away on business for a couple of days, I feel very indebted to my mom friends who pitched in to make my three-ring circus run as smoothly as possible.  I was wondering how to pay them back this morning when an opportunity arrived via e-mail.

Today we were celebrating my son's teacher's birthday at school, and the Room Mothers had asked all the moms to send in a flower with each child to make a bouquet for the teacher.  A mother in the class (who has five children!) e-mailed me to thank me for the reminder and to say how sorry she was that she had forgotten, but she was out of town on a college visit with her older children.  She wrote that she wanted to cry because her son would be so upset about not having a flower.  I wrote back to tell her that as I was taking a cake to school for the teacher, I also would take a flower to give to her son, so that he could give it to his teacher.  At school, I gave a small bunch of flowers to her little boy and told him that his mother sent these for him to give to his teacher.  I took a photo of the little boy and the teacher with the flowers, and e-mailed it to the mother.  She wrote back, "I owe you."  Not at all.  I was actually thrilled to do it.  She gave me an opportunity to pay forward -- in a very small way -- the many kindnesses that I had just been blessed with while I was away.

Kindness... Because You Can

"Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better.  It's not."
― Dr. Seuss

During a recent business trip, I met a young professional from Washington, D.C. who shared an anecdote about kindness that she observed.

"My colleague and I were walking to Potbelly sandwich shop to get milkshakes as a late afternoon snack. A man was sitting outside the door, and he asked us if we could help him get something to eat. We both kept walking inside, and I didn't even see that she acknowledged him. But then, as we were paying for our milkshakes, she also bought a $10 gift card. While I waited inside, she went out to give it to him. She wasn't even going to say anything, but I commented because I was so impressed by her kindness. She said, 'He asked if I could help him get something to eat, and I can.' The man was really surprised when she gave him the gift card, but a few minutes later came inside. When we left, he was ordering a sandwich! It really changed how I look at her, as she is not somebody who generally comes across as actively thinking of others. I still think of that act of kindness quite often."

I continue to be amazed by the impact of kindness -- long after the act is done.  Even when the kind acts seem small.  Even when you are not the direct beneficiary.  I think kindness stays with us because it is frequently a moment of profound connection with someone else.  And whether we experience it as a participant or an observer, kindness gives us the hope that we can be our best selves.

The Joy of Receiving a Gold Star for Kindness

"Great opportunities to help others seldom come, but small ones surround us every day."
― Sally Koch

Sometimes kindness pays off in unexpected ways.  I had just boarded a flight earlier today when the flight attendant asked if anyone spoke Spanish.  Yes, I said.  She asked me if I would help her by translating instructions to an older woman passenger who did not understand English.  A little later, the flight attendant enlisted me again, this time to ask the passenger if she wanted something to drink.  A few minutes after, when the flight attendant came down the aisle with the beverage cart, she asked me to choose from several snacks.  As a prize!  For being so helpful, she said.  I must admit that it immediately boosted my mood and took me back decades to the memory of being handed back an assignment with a little gold star on it.  It also reminded me of my friend who earlier this week wrote about the kindness of positive feedback.  Kindness seems to have a very real domino -- and boomerang -- effect.

Kindness That Seems Effortless

"The first question which the priest and the Levite asked was: 'If I stop to help this man, what will happen to me?'  But... the good Samaritan reversed the question:  'If I do not stop to help this man, what will happen to him?'"
―Martin Luther King, Jr.

The last couple of days have been... well, two of those kinds of days where you wonder how it will all get done.  Today had already been a long day when I found myself by late afternoon waiting at swim practice and at wit's end given that I could not figure out how to get to a meeting at my children's school that I was assured by the school director I needed to attend.  And then one of those angels on earth -- one of my very important villagers -- crossed my path.  She approached my car and asked me if it would help if she took my children until 7 pm.  (My meeting was at 6 pm.)  I could hardly believe it.  It wasn't just that she helped me, but it was the effortless "it's not a big deal" way with which she did it.  Easy, breezy.  With a wave and a smile, she piled my children into her van and off she went -- to feed them, to help me...  And all with a gracious generosity that is at the heart of true kindness. 

The Kindness of Sharing What Matters

"It really shocks me when I encounter people who think kindness doesn't matter.  Because I think it's pretty much the only thing that matters."
― Josh Radnor

Someone wrote to me today about "the kindness of giving positive feedback."  She shared that she had been planning to send photos to several friends for at least two weeks.  And that she finally "made" herself do it over the weekend.  She said that she was so glad that she did as all of her friends responded positively, which in turn made her happy.  Letting people know that what they do matters is not only gracious, but also kind.

The Kindness of Sharing Kodak Moments

"Photography is a way of feeling, of touching, of loving.  What you have caught on film is captured forever... it remembers little things, long after you have forgotten everything."
― Aaron Siskind

Earlier today, one of the Kindness Muses sent me a photo that she had taken of my children and her husband on the beach on the 4th of July.  Photographs have always been terrific gifts -- for family members, for friends...  But now with digital technology and the Internet, it is even easier to share this type of kindness.  It only takes a few clicks, but it brings immediate and lasting joy to the person who receives it.

Last year, a friend sent me a wonderful photo of one of my daughters underwater.  My friend had been walking by a pool that has windows along the sides, so that you can see inside the pool, when my daughter who was swimming approached the window. The photo, which was taken with my friend's phone, is one of my favorites.  I subsequently tried to take a similar photo, but even after many attempts, I was never able to take a picture that came close to the image my friend captured.

And then there are my special mom friends, who not only help me with school drop-offs and pick-ups, and shuttling my children between activities, but also send me photos of my children when they are with them.  I am thrilled to have those sneak peeks into my children's lives.

So frequently, kindness can be found in things that seem small, but that fill our hearts with joy and stay with us.

The Kindness of Warmth

"One looks back with appreciation to the brilliant teachers, but with gratitude to those who touched our human feelings.  The curriculum is so much necessary raw material, but warmth is the vital element for the growing plant and for the soul of the child."
― Carl Jung

Yesterday was Picture Day at school.  Thanks to an e-mail the night before, I was able to run and get my son's hair cut.  Mid-morning, I received a very thoughtful text from the teacher's assistant in my son's class.  She shared that she had told my son that he looked very handsome with his new haircut and that she had combed his hair for the school photo.

I frequently receive messages from this assistant that convey the warmth that she feels toward her students.  When I was traveling the week before, she texted me to say that she had given my son a hug while he was waiting to get picked up by a friend of mine.  A couple of weeks ago, she sent me a video of his playing the violin in music class.  She constantly gives me the sense that my son is not only well taken care of, but also loved.  What more could a mother ask for?

I feel very fortunate that my children have teachers and teacher's assistants who have been kind enough to go above and beyond their duties to provide such personalized attention to my children.  Being a mother is a roller-coaster type of journey and it is such a blessing to have the kindness of supportive teachers along the way.

Kindness, Connection and Cosmic Forces

"Cherish your human connections: your relationships with friends and family."
― Joseph Brodsky

A couple of days ago, I was blessed* with a handwritten letter from one of my college friends who lives in New York.  She is the one who contributed to a nonprofit with which I was volunteering.  The same nonprofit was featured in an article in a national publication, but when I purchased a copy locally it did not have the article.  I texted my friend to ask her if she could look for the article for me.  My name was not in the article, but it did mention that the organization had a "fundraising mentor."  My friend texted me back to say she had already cut out the article to send it to me before she received my text.  And she said, "It mentions you, although not by name."

I was very touched by my friend's kindness.  It was amazing to me that she had seen the article, which was buried inside the newspaper, that she had recognized that the article was referring to me even though I was not mentioned by name, and that she had thought to cut out the article to send it to me.

At the end of her letter, my friend added a postscript:  "It's funny that you texted me about the article the evening  that I clipped out the article for you.  There are cosmic forces in the world.  Thankfully, they are connected to you."

I don't know how cosmic forces work, but I do know that kindness is a powerful connection.

*  According to a 2011 survey by the U.S. Postal Service, the average American household gets one personal letter only every seven weeks. 

Kindness That Surprises

"A part of kindness consists in loving people more than they deserve."
― Joseph Joubert

I had a conversation with a friend today about how hard it is to be kind to people whom we don't like because they don't like us or have been mean to us or whatever the reason might be.  She shared that her husband's approach is to "kill them with kindness" -- something we agreed was very difficult.

A little while after, I ran into an older woman who lives in my community.  I don't like her because she once said an obscenity to me (completely unprovoked) and then another time she hit my child in the head with a door she pushed open without looking (inadvertently, I believe).  Whenever I see this woman, I have a reaction.  Internally, I just go "ugh" and I am even a little scared of her.  For her part, she usually looks straight passed me with what looks to me like a permanent scowl.

But today, perhaps encouraged by the conversation with my friend, I said hi to the woman and then told her to have a nice day.  She was visibly startled -- and I think I was, also.  But then she smiled.  Something inside of me softened a bit, too.  I think my friend's husband may have the right idea after all.

Hope in Kindness

"Hope is like peace.  It is not a gift from God.  It is a gift only we can give one another."
― Elie Wiesel

My son, who is almost 8, doesn't understand why people would fly planes into the Twin Towers.  "Didn't they know they would die, too?"

Today most of us paused to remember a day that none of us who lived through it can forget.  As Secretary of State John Kerry wrote to his colleagues --  a day "like none other."

As a family, we prayed for the people who died 12 years ago, especially for friends of people we knew -- two college friends of a dear friend of mine, a friend of my daughter's English teacher.  We prayed for them and for their families.  We also prayed for Syria.

Kindness seemed even more important today.  What else could we offer each other -- besides solace and prayers?  I was glad for a random string of kindnesses.

Looking for parking today, I stopped to ask a parking attendant if I could park in what looked like a space on the street.  Yes, he said, but I would have to pay.  Why didn't I park in his lot, which was free?  And he directed me to a parking spot. 

Later in the afternoon, with several children (mine and others) in the car, I asked my son to do his homework.  A friend of my daughter's offered to help him and encouraged him to get his books out.  An extraordinarily kind and gentle 12-year-old, she spoke to my son as though there was no age difference between them.

This evening, my son decided that he was going to make dinner.  "I can do it!" he insisted.  And, I thought, why not?  So his sisters and I waited and watched as he did his thing and managed to get all of us fed.  As I danced with him later in the kitchen, I hugged him extra tightly and counted my blessings.

In the wake of great sadness, there is hope and comfort in kindness.

Kindness in Remembrance

"Carry out a random act of kindness, with no expectation of reward, safe in the knowledge that one day someone might do the same for you."
― Princess Diana

I recently had lunch with the daughter of a former boss.  We have a lot in common -- we graduated from the same university, have similar careers...  And she shared a beautiful practice that she began 14 years ago when she was a senior at Georgetown (our alma mater).

She shared that she and her friends were talking about what to give up for Lent as they were going into Ash Wednesday Mass.  But during the Mass, the priest asked the students to think about how blessed they were, and then he made a suggestion that got her going in a different direction.

"He told us to try and spend the next 40 days giving something back," she said.  "It didn't matter how big or small that something was, but try to do something every day.  Some friends took that as a call to arms and started a project or a foundation...  Others, like me, took it as a chance to try to be nicer to people around me.  I did things as small as taking a friend to lunch who was struggling with something to even just donating to whatever cause was at the grocery store.  It didn't matter as long as I was doing something selfless.

"Since 1999, I have done my best to maintain that tradition of giving back.  Some years it is easier than others and sometimes I do just one big thing during the season.  Even today it is still more difficult to give back than to give up, but it feels just as good each year.

"What it has taught me is that while life is not easy and it can sometimes be hard to keep your head up and not get mired in the little things that are bothering you, taking a few moments to help someone or something else brings a new perspective each time.  By taking those moments to think about something other than yourself, you give yourself a moment to look up and look around at what the world has to offer, and that maybe your situation with your boyfriend, fight with your mom, or even that horrible job can be put in better perspective.  Granted, sometimes I only think about it for 40 days a year, but 40 is better than none."

Tomorrow -- September 11th -- is a day to remember how blessed we are and what really matters.  President Obama declared September 6-8 National Days of Prayer and Remembrance.  Maybe we can take a moment to do an act of kindness for someone.  Perhaps our kindness can be our prayer of remembrance.

Kindness Credit in the Bank

"Walking with a friend in the dark is better than walking alone in the light."
― Helen Keller

There are some people who perform acts of kindness that stay with you for a long time.  These acts of kindness can be like credit in the friendship bank.

A good friend of mine from college celebrated her birthday over the weekend.  Unfortunately, she lives in another state and I could not celebrate with her in person, but I called her and texted her, and thought about her often on her day. 

Thinking about this friend always makes me smile.  I have known her since college, but we have become much closer in the last couple of years.  And we roomed together during a recent college reunion, which I only attended thanks to her prodding.  What is it about some people that generates such good feelings, I wondered as I thought about her?

This friend is uncomplicated and down to earth.  She has an easy smile and always has something nice to say.  She is very good about staying in touch and encouraging her friends.  And then there is the above and beyond:  About a year ago, I accompanied a family member to a funeral in New Jersey, where this friend lives.  I was going to be there about a day and a half, and busy with the wake and funeral.  This friend of mine drove more than an hour to the funeral home and then joined me for a dinner at the home of one of the family members of the person who had died.  My friend navigated her way through introductions and expressions of condolences, all the while with her characteristic smile and friendly manner.  She was with me during a difficult time.  And in just being with me, she made things so much easier for me.  The difficult time was lightened by her presence. 

There are some deposits of kindness in the friendship bank that are so huge that you can just live off the interest.

Let Us Not Forget To Be Kind

"It is always here and now, there is always the present moment to do the very best we can with, and the future depends on how those moments are spent."
― Janet Erskine Stuart, Religious of the Sacred Heart

Yesterday, I attended a women's retreat at my daughters' school, which is also my alma mater.  The school is run by the Religious of the Sacred Heart, a religious order founded in France in 1800 by a visionary woman named Madeleine Sophie Barat who believed in educational excellence for girls.

During part of the retreat, we focused on the life of Janet Erskine Stuart, whose centenary is being celebrated this year and next.  A thoughtful educator and prolific writer, Mother Stuart was the sixth Superior General of the Society.  Her wisdom and spirituality continue to inspire and guide Sacred Heart educators and students.  The following is a prayer by Mother Stuart:

Keep us, O God, from all pettiness.

Let us be large in thought, in word, in deed.

Let us be done with fault-finding and leave off all self-seeking. 

May we put away all pretense and meet each other face-to-face,

Without self-pity and without prejudice.

May we never be hasty in judgment, always generous.

Let us take time for all things, and make us grow calm, serene and gentle.

Teach us to put into action our better impulses, to be straight-forward and unafraid.

Grant that we may realize that it is the little things of life that create differences,

That in the big things of life we are one.

 And, Lord, God, let us not forget to be Kind.

Kindness: You Can Do It

"No kind action ever stops with itself.  One kind action leads to another.  Good example is followed.  A single act of kindness throws out roots in all directions, and the roots spring up and make new trees.  The greatest work that kindness does to others is that it makes them kind themselves.
― Amelia Earhart

The McKay School of Education at Brigham Young University has developed a program, "You Can Do This: An Approach to Raising Wonderful Children," based on the principles of positive behavior support.  One of the segments is "Showing Kindness."  On the webpage and in a great video, three steps to kindness are set out:

1.       Notice Opportunities

2.      Feel and Understand

3.      Use Caring Words and Actions

It's a pretty simple formula, but guaranteed to work.  http://education.byu.edu/youcandothis/showing_kindness.html#macaroni

* * *

Earlier today, I attended a women's retreat at my daughters' school.  We were given a break for personal reflection, but another woman and I ended up in conversation instead.  My guess is that we needed that more.  Not surprisingly, we found that we had much in common.  In sharing, we found connection and kindness.  After we left, she sent me a text that began, "Thanks for showing up today..."  Sometimes when you show up -- even on a gray, rainy day when you would rather be snuggled in bed, you end up being graced with kindness.

The Kindness of Graciousness

"I think sometimes it is more important to be gracious than to win."
― Dorothy Kilgallen
 

A very special friend was celebrating a milestone birthday tonight with a dinner for a small group of her female friends.  I was looking forward to it, and my husband and I arranged that he would be home in time for me to go.

But my husband had a last-minute work emergency and was running late -- very late.  I stopped by my friend's house before the dinner to drop off some chocolate-covered berries and shared what was going on.

As it got later, I texted my friend and told her to please go ahead and eat without me, and that I would be by as soon as I could.

"Don't worry!!" my friend texted back.  "I know what it's like.  It would be so lovely if you can make it even for a short while!  Thank you again for the berries!"

When I did manage to arrive, my friend greeted me with enthusiasm.  Both then and when I left a couple of hours later, she told me how happy she was that I had been able to go.

As I got to my car, I thought about what a lovely evening it had been -- despite the unexpected snag in my original plans. I realized that my friend had been very kind by being gracious.  She did not make me feel badly about the delay and, instead, made me so happy that I had been able to go.

I have had the opposite experience, however.  In cases with similar unavoidable delays, I have had people become angry with me or with whomever was late or unavailable. Things like that happen, and we can choose how to handle them.  We can become mad and give people a hard time, which benefits no one.  Or we can do as my friend did -- we can be gracious, appreciate the good and let go of the rest.

The Kindness of My Villagers

"I get by with a little help from my friends."
― Ringo Starr

If it takes a village to raise a child, it takes kind, flexible and very organized villagers to help keep things going when a mother travels.

I am blessed to have a village populated with some of the most generous women I know.  They were pressed into service this week and this is a big thank you to them for not only shuttling my children to where they needed to go, but also being especially kind and reassuring to them while their mother was gone.

(Let me just say that my husband is terrific and has no problem on his own with our children -- once when I called from a business trip to the other side of the country, I found out that he had taken them on a road trip.  But that is another story...  My husband's work week and three different school schedules and myriad school activities present a challenge.  Hence, the deployment of my villagers.)

Some villagers were on active duty with precise and detailed instructions.  Others were on reserve duty.  I tried to spread out assignments in an attempt to not overly burden anyone.  The villagers picked up and shuttled my children, fed them healthy snacks and dinner, texted me with updates and photos, called me so that my children could say hi, and conducted a covert operation to borrow a missing uniform item.  They took care of what needed to be done.  No questions asked, no consulting necessary.  These are pros, after all, at the important task of mothering.

For my part, I was able to take care of business, secure in the knowledge that my children were getting to where they needed to go and that they were receiving some extra attention and TLC, thanks to the kindness of my village people.

Enjoying Someone Else's Kindness

"Love and kindness are never wasted.  They always make a difference.  They bless the one who receives them, and they bless you, the giver."
― Barbara de Angelis

I was at the airport this morning, traveling on business.  Although the airport didn't seem busy, the security check point lines were unusually long.  Patience was wearing thin, passengers fidgeted and looked at their watches, a couple of people managed to cut the line...  The usual stuff of which travel is made these days.  As I finally boarded the plane, I was determined to find an act or two of kindness.

Frankly, it did not occur to me that I might be involved in one.  But when I sat down in the aisle seat that I had been delighted to secure last night (after exchanging a middle seat for it), the nice woman sitting in the middle seat next to me told me that her husband was sitting in the middle seat in front of us.  As I looked at the three men sitting in that row, I hesitated for a moment before offering to change seats with her husband.  To my surprise, the act of kindness was hers.

"No," she said.  "Look at the men on either side of him.  You don't want to sit there."  And then she added with a mischievous tone, "Plus, I told him last night that we should change our seats, but he said 'no.'  He didn't realize that they were middle seats.  He doesn't listen.  So that's his punishment."

Well, who was I to argue with that?  I told her I wouldn't press the point and I sat back to enjoy the flight -- and her act of kindness.

The Kindness of Not Asking Why

"It's the friends you can call up at 4 a.m. that matter."
― Marlene Dietrich

A couple of weeks ago, there was a volunteer opportunity related to one of my children's activities.  A good friend of mine said, "Don't do it."  Her reasoning was quite sound.  I had recently completed two big volunteer commitments, and she urged me not to make another one.  But...  I did.  "It will be easy," I told her, "All I have to do is send out a few e-mails."  Well, it wasn't exactly that.  And when I was asked to do something that I could not do alone, I texted my friend to ask for her help.  (I think I texted her because I did not want to explain on the phone that I had gotten into more than I bargained for.)  My friend immediately replied, "Yes, I can do it no problem."  She didn't ask why I was asking her to do what I needed and certainly did not make me feel badly.  I appreciate that as much as the help.  There is most definitely kindness in helping a friend without asking why -- especially when your friend would feel a little foolish explaining.

The Kindness of Making Peace with a Messy Life or "Managing Gracefully"

"It's not only children who grow.  Parents do too.  As much as we watch to see what our children do with their lives, they are watching us to see what we do with ours.  I can't tell my children to reach for the sun.  All I can do is reach for it, myself."
― Joyce Maynard

There was a time in my life when I was single and lived in a studio apartment with everything in its place.  I loved the smallness and simplicity of it.  Then I got married and lived in an off-white monochromatic apartment where I did not serve red wine or dark liquids.  My husband would groan as he would watch me balance our checkbook, which I insisted on doing to the penny.  And then, there's now...

I sat at the kitchen table this morning, after one more messy meal, remnants of a long weekend all around me.  There was a nearly empty and left-open sack of Tastykake donuts on the table and drying beach towels on the chairs.  My messy life.  I read somewhere that the children years are messy years.  And indeed they are.  In every way.   As I perused the messiness and madness, a phrase from the book I was reading jumped off the page at me.   In It's Easier Than You Think, The Buddhist Way to Happiness, Sylvia Boorstein writes about "managing gracefully."  She writes about being at a gathering of meditation teachers, during which participants shared what was going on in their lives.  They all had problems, but they were still happy or at the very least all right.  She realized that what they were doing was "managing gracefully," which, she says, is better than managing tensely or fearfully.   

With Boorstein's phrase juxtaposed against the messy backdrop, I decided that is what I would aim for:  Managing gracefully through my messy life, knowing that this phase won't last forever.  And knowing, too, that I will miss the mess and its co-creators when they are gone.  For now, managing gracefully seems like the kinder option -- for me and for them.  At peace with this new thought, I put down my book and went to find my children and give each of them a hug.